


Goodbye Eddie, Goodbye

by attaboyatticus



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Behavior, Case Fic, Cool!, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Recovery, Slow Burn, Trans Male Character, also im putting my art in this thing, and im excited, electrochemistry is narsty, erm. first Real fic, ill update it all as the chapters get written, kim is Tired, like im drawing stuff specifically for it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:55:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28765149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attaboyatticus/pseuds/attaboyatticus
Summary: You aren't sure when you first determined you had feelings for Kim. Perhaps after the Tribunal, when you woke up to Kim's comforting presence? Maybe during the conclusion of the investigation, when you saw how handsome he looked when he smiled? Or was it when you woke up gasping in the Kineema as he forced water down your throat, having just saved you from slipping into oblivion once more?(Harry is faced with a difficult case and an even more difficult time traversing his emotions.)
Relationships: Harry Du Bois & Kim Kitsuragi, Harry Du Bois/Kim Kitsuragi, Past Harry Du Bois/Jean Vicquemare (Implied)
Comments: 41
Kudos: 65





	1. One Love, Who Would Stand By Me

**Author's Note:**

> all titles are from various songs from the Phantom of the Paradise soundtrack! (check the movie out--its amazing :D)

KIM KITSURAGI - "Harry?"

The lieutenant's voice was stark against the silence of the dark Kineema. Stark and... emotional? 

PERCEPTION (Failure) - Yeah... I can't tell what he's got going on. 

EMPATHY - He's emotional, but not in the way you usually are-- He's barely holding it together, but still keeping things as professional as possible. 

YOU - You and Kim had just finished a particularly long interview with a witness who was, quite frankly, the worst person you think you've ever met. You didn't even know that many slurs could be slipped into casual conversation.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - The interview took hours. It is now 23:00. 

RHETORIC - ...You also didn't know Kim's limit for bigotry and endless hateful debates before now.

YOU - You snap out of your guilt-ridden haze, disappointed with yourself over your inability to stop The Scum from hurting Kim while also trying to conduct a proper witness interview. 

"Sorry. Was just.. thinking."

KIM KITSURAGI - He sighs and rolls his eyes ever so slightly, exasperated. "Of course you were, detective." 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He's thinking about how badly he wants to wrap this day up and never think about it again. He's also thinking about how you should listen more. 

YOU - "Sorry, Sorry! I am," You say, looking at him. "I'll listen harder, I promise. Lay it on me, Kim. Again. If you don't mind." 

KIM KITSURAGI - His dark, magnified eyes look back at you for a split second before he takes off his glasses to rub his eyes. "I think we can safely say that this... encounter... was entirely useless. We got a few leads, but..." He trails off, looking through the driver's side window. 

EMPATHY - He wants a break. Badly.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Oh, we can do more than that, baby. 

VOLITION - Hold yourself together. Please. For the love of Dolores Dei I am begging you.

SUGGESTION - Think about how the rest of tonight could go. How can we comfort Kim? 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - We could--

VOLITION - No.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He wants a fresh view of the case far, far away from The Scum and also maybe a whole pot of coffee. 

ENDURANCE - Power through the case. Show him what a real lieutenant looks like. 

YOU - What the hell? Kim's a real lieutenant. 

HALF-LIGHT - Maybe so, but is he a real man compared to you, storming through apartments all throughout Jamrock and getting testimonials, solving case after case, being the coolest and baddest motherfucker a--

YOU - No. Please no. Just tell me how I can distract Kim from whatever the hell That was.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - There's a diner not too far from here. 7 blocks away, exactly, and you and Kim have gone there before to compare notes. 

YOU - "Hey, Kim..."

KIM KITSURAGI - He turns to you and you see slight dark circles beneath his eyes. "Yes?"

YOU - "We should get you some food. It's late. Plus, maybe we could think the case over a little bit?"

PERCEPTION: His smile appears as quickly as it vanishes. 

KIM KITSURAGI - "I would like that. Where were you thinking of going?" he asks, hand idly coming to rest on the clutch control. 

YOU - "There's that place we passed on the way here. Remember? We went there during The Spilled Milk case. It was called, um..."

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks at you expectantly while you fumble your words. 

COMPOSURE - You're sweating a little. His gaze has control over you. 

AUTHORITY - It shouldn't. You're above him.

YOU -  _ Can't you guys, I don't know, help me?! _

ENCYCLOPEDIA (Failure) - Sorry. I only know the general location of the place. Whoops.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - You remember the look of the place. Maybe Kim will recognize it?

YOU - "...Uhm. I know it's got a light blue neon sign outside of it. There's double doors, and it's 7 blocks away, I think."

KIM KITSURAGI - You see him slightly lean back in his seat as he tries to remember if he saw a place like the one you described on the way to The Scum's house. 

"Oh. That place. Right."

EMPATHY - It took him a moment because his nerves are fried right now. Be gentle. He may sound mad, but he's not.

KIM KITSURAGI - You watch as he starts the Kineema up and begins the short drive to the diner you described to him. Something in him relaxes as you get on the road-- Driving is therapeutic for him. 

YOU - You feel like you should be listening to some old, romantic, sad song on the radio right now. To spice up the moment. 

DRAMA - Yes! Tune into SadFM and show him your feelings through the medium of song! Musical catharsis, my liege!

LOGIC - Kim probably doesn't want to listen to music right now. Besides, if you turned on the radio, you'd have to turn it off once you got to your destination. Which is in about a minute or so. 

YOU - Instead of putting on some SadFM, you turn your gaze to the window beside you. Outside, you see the dark streets of Jamrock pass you by. Streetlights and shopfronts illuminate the near-black sidewalks and road, as well as reflecting in puddles of rainwater (or piss) from the downpour earlier that day. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You and Kim are huddling beneath an overhang in front of a department store. You're looking over his shoulder at his notebook, which neatly outlines your tasks for today. He shivers for a moment, and you see goosebumps on his exposed forearms. 

You barely resist the urge to give him your coat. 

KIM KITSURAGI - While you were lost in your thoughts, Kim led the motor carriage to a fitting parking space right in front of the restaurant. He lets out a tired breath and turns to you. 

"After you, detective."

YOU - You get out of the passenger seat and close the door to the Kineema gently behind you. Kim gives you an affirmative nod to head into the diner. 

PERCEPTION - It's called 'The Dream Joynt', according to the signs above the door. There are star and moon motifs across the front of the building.

LOGIC - They misspelled 'joint'. Yikes.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - ...Or, it's a play on words of sorts. 'Joy' and 'Joint'. The Dream Joynt is portraying itself as somewhere you can relax at and have fun.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Fun, huh? Perhaps as in orgies in the back? Under-bar-blowies? Bending Kim over the--

VOLITION - This is a public food establishment, you loon. 

...

Even if you would like to engage romantically with Kim, you can't do that in a fucking diner. 

YOU - This thought sticks with you as you and your partner settle into a booth and wait for someone to take your order. The restaurant is fairly empty, given the time: Only the staff and 5 other people are there with you.

You aren't sure when you first determined you had feelings for Kim. Perhaps after the Tribunal, when you woke up to Kim's comforting presence? Maybe during the conclusion of the investigation, when you saw how handsome he looked when he smiled? Or was it when you woke up gasping in the Kineema as he forced water down your throat, having just saved you from slipping into oblivion once more?

PAIN THRESHOLD (Failure) - As you reminisce, your hip starts to ache. 

YOU - Whenever it was, all you know is that you want to grab Kim's hand and never let go. Maybe even kiss his cheek. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Maybe even a lot more than that. 

WAITRESS - You are thankfully distracted from this notion when a middle-aged woman approaches you and the lieutenant. 

"What'll it be, officers?" she asks, exhaustion evident from her voice.

LOGIC (Failure) - Officers? What? Does she recognize you two from last time or something?

YOU - "How'd you know we were RCM?" you ask, confused. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He glances at you, eyebrow slightly raised.

WAITRESS - "Uhh... Aren't you both wearing those symbols on your backs? The Revachol Citizen's Militia ones?" she asks, giving you a weird look.

YOU - "Oh. Right. Sorry."

KIM KITSURAGI - "Excuse my partner here. We've had a long night."

WAITRESS - "Oh, haven't we all?" she chuckles. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Even when he's bone-tired, Kim still helps you recover from an awkward situation. He's thinking about how many more times he'll have to do this.

EMPATHY - Not in a bad way, either. 

YOU - The waitress takes your orders, and as she leaves you steal a glance at Kim. 

KIM KITSURAGI - You catch him looking right back at you before he quickly averts his gaze. He takes out his notebook and pen and flips to the current case you're working on.

You wish you could stare into his eyes forever. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA - The Soap Opera Murders, as you've both come to call it. Four bodies, all from the same family, have come up in seemingly random locations throughout Jamrock. They were all killed via slit throats. 

The family in question has been less than helpful, to say the least. In lieu of giving statements, each attempt to talk to a different family member spun into an elaborate monologue about how they're either being cheated on, plotted against, or participating in an affair or otherwise forbidden relationship.

You and the lieutenant have resorted to interviewing neighbors and friends before attempting the immediate family again. It has been vexing to say the least.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Well, given what we got from.. our earlier encounter," he pauses, still recovering, "I think it's safe to say that neither of the step-daughters were present during the times of each murder. There's a 2 and a half-hour window for both of them." 

ENCYCLOPEDIA - The next-door neighbor reported that the step-daughters, Yennifer and Yvonne, often left the house in matching flashy outfits. He recognized them each time they left the house. 

YOU - "I think one of them would've killed the victim and darted while the other hid the body," you deduce, idly playing with the corner of the paper napkin in front of you. "The mother said that Yennifer was visiting her girlfriend and that Yvonne was going with her step-brother to hang out at some store her boyfriend worked at on the day the second victim was murdered." 

KIM KITSURAGI - His eyes light up as he reaches the same conclusion that you have. "...And the boyfriend said Yvonne was late." 

YOU - You grin as you continue. "And since Yennifer was on time to her date, and the store Yvonne was going to is a few blocks away from the alleyway Number 2 was found in..." 

KIM KITSURAGI - He returns your smile briefly before leaning back in his seat. "That's... a comically sloppy plan, but that's only for the second body. We still need to connect the other three murders to them."

WAITRESS - Just as you're about to mull this over, the waitress returns with your food.

"Enjoy your meals, officers."

YOU - As she leaves you look down at your food; Two waffles (with powdered sugar), a cup of coffee, and a few strips of bacon.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Breakfast for dinner, hm?" he smiles briefly. "Can't say it's not fitting."

YOU - "What's that supposed to mean?" you ask lightheartedly, leaning forward a little as you start cutting off a reasonable portion of your first waffle. 

KIM KITSURAGI - "Oh, nothing," he muses before taking a sip of his coffee and starting on his own food. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You look at his plate of fruit and toast and feel a slight pang of regret at not ordering something... less sugary.

AUTHORITY - As the lieutenant said, it's been a long day. You deserve this.

YOU - A moment passes as the both of you eat. You begin to worry that the silence is too awkward for him. Your thoughts wander to the night's earlier incident.

EMPATHY - Ask him if he's okay. He's had it pretty rough, and by the looks of it, he could use some support right now.

YOU - "Uh, Kim?"

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks up at you from his notes and his toast. 

YOU - "Are you, uhm.. okay?" 

KIM KITSURAGI - "What do you mean?" he asks, looking at you quizzically.

VOLITION - You've got this. Just.. ease into it.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - That's what she--

VOLITION - I wish we could get rid of this guy.

YOU - "I mean, with everything back there. Today's been pretty bad for you. I just want to make sure you're doing alright, y'know? And I'm here for you if you want to talk about it."

KIM KITSURAGI - He smiles--a genuine, full, slightly pained smile--before sighing. "I'll be fine, I think, but thank you nonetheless for your concern, Harry." 

YOU - "You sure?"

KIM KITSURAGI - He stays quiet for a moment, briefly closing his eyes before answering to collect his thoughts. 

"I've dealt with this type of abuse throughout my life. I've learned to deal with it." 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You see a younger Kim Kitsuragi stepping outside of Precinct 57. His fists are shaking as he steps into his motor carriage. Another conference with the captain gone awry. 

His fellow officers will not be punished for what he overheard them say in the locker room about him. He rests his forehead against the steering wheel as he resents ever getting a career in the RCM. 

YOU - "Listen, Kim..."

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks into your eyes, eyebrow ready to be deployed should you ask another question. 

YOU - "I'm glad you stuck with the career. I mean, not glad that you went through all that bullshit for nearly two decades, but..." 

Your hand twitches as you think of grabbing his. 

"...I'm glad that we got to be partners. And that you joined the 41st. And I'm sorry that you've been dealt such a crappy hand from.." You trail off, gesturing with your other hand. "Y'know, life." 

KIM KITSURAGI - He stays silent. 

EMPATHY (Failure) - Oh no he's angry. He's going to yell at us. We pried too much. Oh no.

COMPOSURE (Failure) - You slink down into your seat and wait for him to speak. Your eyes frantically look for any hint of what he's feeling in his. 

KIM KITSURAGI - "Thank you, Harry. I'm glad that we got to be partners as well."

DRAMA - He speaks the truth. 

COMPOSURE - Your heart beats a little faster at this. 

KIM KITSURAGI - "As for my experiences, well... There's not much I can do to stop it. However, I am grateful that you and the rest of the 41st are being supportive." 

YOU - "Of course. Anything you need, we'll do it."

The rest of your meal goes well. The two of you talk about everything; from the case, to precinct gossip (though Kim participates somewhat reluctantly), to he and Jean's small rivalry. It is exclusively passive-aggressive and they have more than once upstaged each other in all sorts of ways, from cooking, to turning in reports, to even getting the last word in a normal conversation. Kim often denies a rivalry even exists. 

PERCEPTION - You know better, though. You've seen the glares they've shot at each other.

COMPOSURE - You try not to let it show, but you find it pretty funny.

KIM KITSURAGI - Soon enough, the lieutenant is done with his meal, and so are you. The waitress brings by the bill, and just as he's about to pull out his wallet, you stop him.

YOU - "No, let me. My treat."

KIM KITSURAGI - He lifts a cautionary eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

EMPATHY - He's worried that you've overestimated how much reál you've actually got.

YOU - You grin at him as you set the 20 reál plus a 4 reál tip down on the small tray containing said bill. 

"Believe it or not, but spending less on drugs and alcohol means more money for food," you joke.

KIM KITSURAGI - You see the shadow of a smile on his lips as he watches the waitress take away your plates. 

EMPATHY - He's relieved.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - And impressed.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - You've been sober for 3 months, 1 week, and 4 days. The last time you relapsed wasn't even that bad; you drank yourself to sleep after a particularly bad case, and besides dealing with a horrible hangover and lectures from Jean and Kim, you resolved to do better. 

RHETORIC - You  _ have _ been doing better. 

SHIVERS - Somewhere in the northern side of Central Jamrock, an apartment on the third story lays empty. Inside, where beer cans and wine bottles once laid on nearly every surface, clean hardwood floors reside instead. There are multiple well-cared for houseplants strewn about the place, and a bookshelf full of novels ranging from Dick Mullen stories to academic essays on the Pale stands in the corner to hide a hole that was punched in the wall years prior. 

This apartment is being loved after years of neglect. 

YOU - The two of you step out into the frigid air of the night, and as you make your way inside the Kineema, you feel sleep begin to fog your brain.

KIM KITSURAGI - He sets into the driver's seat and yawns. He's exhausted too. 

"Well, I suppose we should get you home," he says as he starts up the MC. He's driven you home enough times to memorize your address. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You wish he'd stay over more often, and for something else other than 'whoops we stayed up too late going over this case together and now i've accidentally fallen asleep on your kitchen table'. He always leaves so early, too...

YOU - The drive is smooth and quiet, other than the occasional cough or sigh that either of you let out. 

EMPATHY - He appreciates companionable silence. Especially with you.

KIM KITSURAGI - That is, until he reaches over to turn the radio on. He tunes it to a station you don't recognize. 

PERCEPTION - You recognize the music as Seolite jazz. Kim is tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the song.

YOU - "I didn't know jazz was popular over there."

KIM KITSURAGI - "It's not. This track is from an older band, released sometime in the '20s, I believe. The singer wanted to explore every genre she could with her group."

YOU - "That's... bold."

KIM KITSURAGI - "It was. Unfortunately, because of the constant shifts in direction, the band couldn't keep a consistent fanbase and went under in the '30s," he explained, frowning a little. "It's a shame. I thought they were good."

LOGIC - It's an amazing idea, really. They could release 5 different singles and appeal to 5 different demographics. Could you imagine what the sales would've looked like?

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Along with that, it's the embodiment of the spirit of music--versatile, ever-changing, flowing and beautiful.

RHETORIC - Fuck capitalism. Fuck the system for failing this beautiful band. 

YOU - You listen to the song, taking in the deep, comforting tones of the bass mixed with the sorrowful tone of the singer and the crescendoing piano. 

SUGGESTION - It feels like you and Kim are the only people in the world, and the song seems to reflect that. Well, you don't exactly understand the lyrics, but that's okay. Existing in this precious moment with Kim... feels nice.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Feels  _ really _ nice.

YOU - Eventually, you feel the Coupris '40 roll to a stop in front of your home, and Kim looks over at you. 

KIM KITSURAGI - "We're here," he states. There's something in his eyes.

EMPATHY - A sad exhaustion. He's glad the day is about to be over, but doesn't want to be alone just yet.

SUGGESTION - He hasn't had his daily cigarette, you know.

YOU - You turn to him and grin. "Join me for a smoke?"

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He's about to refuse when he realizes he's craving one and  _ also  _ that he really wants to spend some more time with you.

KIM KITSURAGI - "...Just this once. It's already past midnight," he answers, already climbing out of the MC and putting his hands in his pockets; presumably where he keeps his carton and lighter. 

YOU - The two of you trudge up to the third floor of the building, and you fumble with your keys for a moment.

HAND/EYE COORDINATION (Failure) - Yeah... We're pretty tired in here too, y'know. Maybe if  _ someone _ wasn't so busy  _ Jamrock-shuffling around all day.... _

EMPATHY - Kim is starting to wonder if this was worth it. Better not keep him waiting.

YOU - Finally, through what was probably dumb luck, you finally wedge the key into the lock at open your door. The smell of old papers and furniture soaked in a decade's worth of smoke hits you immediately. It's a comforting smell; at least, to you it is.

VOLITION - It's better than smelling 5 bottles of Commodore Red and a bucket's worth of piss. 

YOU - You lead Kim to the small balcony outside of your kitchen. It's a bit of a tight fit, with only a foot or two of space between you. Kim takes out his own pack of smokes and proceeds to hold the box out to you.

KIM KITSURAGI - He's getting his lighter out. He expects you to bum one off him, as you usually do.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And who are you to say no to a free cig? And one from Kim, no less!

YOU - You take one and Kim lights it for you. You look into his face as you lean in to the flame, and his own black eyes look into yours. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION - The way the light dances in them is mesmerizing. They're the color of eternium, and they have the same properties too--Forever in your mind, in your lungs, keeping a firm grasp on your windpipe whenever you catch his eye and he looks at you,  _ really _ looks at you... 

_ He has the eyes of the darkness that comes after a long night of partying with friends.  _

_ He has the eyes  _

_ of the pitch-black mountains in Samara  _

_ that thousands of artists year after year paint, attempting  _

_ to capture their beauty.  _

_ He has the eyes of a man who is strong,  _

_ whose resolve has not yet been broken by a world that hates him,  _

_ whose lungs are protected by walls upon walls built after going through so,  _

_ so much pain...  _

KIM KITSURAGI - He clears his throat. "Khm. Detective?"

COMPOSURE (Failure) - You jump a little from shock after being lost in your thoughts for so long. You drop your cigarette and it crumbles into a miserable little pile of ash on the ground. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He barely suppresses a laugh. 

YOU - "Sorry. Shit. I was, um," you sputter, feeling your cheeks heat up, "I-I was just trying to figure out the case."

KIM KITSURAGI - "Oh?" he asks, amused.

DRAMA - He doesn't believe you. Go on-- convince him.

YOU - "I mean, you know. Trying to figure out how the hell the step-daughters killed the other three family members. It doesn't.. They  _ have _ to have done it, right?" you explain. Technically you're telling the truth; The Soap Opera Murders has been more than a pain in the neck ever since you got the papers dropped on your desk. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You're going to have to do a better job at lying if you want me to really believe that, Kim thinks. 

KIM KITSURAGI - "Do you want another one?" he asks, looking briefly down at the battered corpse of your cigarette. 

YOU - "Nah, it's fine," you sigh. "At least I got a nice four seconds with it, right?"

KIM KITSURAGI - He smirks. "More like ten."

YOU - You roll your eyes and lean against the railing overlooking the city. 

PERCEPTION - You can see the top of the dome roof of Precinct 41 from here. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - In a dark, empty office, officer Judit Minot is slowly sorting a large stack of papers into several different folders. Sleep is tugging at her limbs as she places a bright yellow sheet into the rightmost folder; Her eyes are red with strain and there are bags under them.

She's had a rough go of it this week, too. 

KIM KITSURAGI - "Thank you for letting me into your home at such a late hour, detective," he says, breaking the silence. "I.. I needed this, I think."

YOU - "Of course. Who else is gonna encourage you to follow the ways of hedonism?" you laugh, rubbing one of your eyes. "Christ, what a day."

KIM KITSURAGI - He lets out a long breath. Smoke rises into the night air and disappears above you. "Yes. Quite." 

YOU - "I think..." you begin, trailing off. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - ...I'm in love with you.

VOLITION - ...Detecting is very, very, very hard.

LOGIC - ...Yvonne and Yennifer had outside help.

ENDURANCE - ...I am the most tired I have ever been in my life.

YOU -  _ Wait. Which one do I say? _

LOGIC - Definitely not a confession of love.

EMPATHY - Kim doesn't want to think about the case right now. He's enjoying the moment; best not interrupt that. 

YOU - After a moment of thinking, you finally decide on "My muscles feel like they're literally melting off of me."

KIM KITSURAGI - He chuckles. "I won't keep you, then."

He puts out the remains of his smoke on the railing and flicks it down into the street below. "It's past midnight. I'll get going."

SUGGESTION - No...! Get him to stay!

YOU - "You sure you'll be okay to drive..?" you ask tentatively. "I mean, not that I think you're incapable of doing so, it's just late and all and, uh..." you blurt out.

SUGGESTION - That.. is not what I had in mind.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You are the least-smooth motherfucker in all of Elysium right now.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant looks at you for a while. Almost  _ too  _ long. "I'll be fine, detective. If anyone should get some rest, it's you," he adds, the corner of his mouth twitching. 

YOU - "Want me to walk you to your car?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "No, that won't be necessary. Thank you, though."

YOU - You follow him to the front door of your apartment where you exchange your last goodbyes of the night, and when he leaves, you can't help but feel a little disappointed. 

EMPATHY - The two of you have been dancing around each other like this for months now. You like him--you REALLY like him--and you have a feeling that maybe there's a chance of him liking you, too. However, neither of you have made a move yet.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And you  _ should _ . How much longer can you stand the yearning, the passionate stares, the brushing of fingers as he passes you your morning coffee? The Jean/Kim rivalry which is CLEARLY over  _ you?  _

ENDURANCE - You can't deal with it forever. At some point you're gonna have to man up and  _ kiss  _ that asshole.

YOU - You trudge to your bedroom and undress. As you lay your head down on your lumpy, stained pillow, you think about how tomorrow might go. 

You're hopeful that similarly to the band from Seol that Kim likes, you'll be able to switch genres tomorrow. Maybe a nice salsa song. Maybe something peppy. Who knows.

Eventually, you surrender to the eigengrau mist of sleep and drift into the pale of your subconscious.

  
  


-

  
  


_ You sink.  _

_ There is a difference between sinking and falling, of course; _

_ On one hand,  _

_ Falling is frenzied breaths, adrenaline rampaging through your veins, _

_ It is the inability to control oneself  _

_ While you plummet into a pit made of yourself and your own selfish thoughts. _

_ Sinking, however, _

_ Sinking is the resigned smile you give to someone you’re not sure you’ll ever see again. _

_ It is surrendering to the forces around you, _

_ It is looking your enemy in the eyes and saying, _

_ ‘You won.’ _

_ You sink. _

  
  



	2. Dream Each other's Smile/and Dream it Never Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Kim meet the mother at the center of the Soap Opera Murders. 
> 
> Awkward flirting ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Faust by William Finley! :)

YOU - After a long, restless night of fighting with two of your most insufferable inner demons, the first thing you notice is the glaring sun’s rays that are pointing directly at your eyeballs.

PAIN THRESHOLD (Failure) - Ow. Ouch. Fuck. Get the fuck up right now.

YOU - You slowly raise yourself to sit up on the bed and rub the sand out of your eyes. You look to your left to check the time; you  _ really _ hope you didn’t wake up late.

PERCEPTION - Despite the blurriness in your eyes that comes with waking up at dawn, you can see that the time is 7:00.

YOU - You silently thank every Innocence above.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Come on namby-pamby, get up! No rest for those who only workout twice a week!

YOU - Can’t I have five more minutes..? 

RHETORIC - You could fall back asleep within that amount of time. In fact, you  _ have _ fallen back asleep before and you ended up 30 minutes late for work. Get up.

YOU - You begrudgingly stand up and go about your morning routine. 

SAVOIR FAIRE - It’s muscle memory at this point. Bathroom for toilet and shower, kitchen for two cups of coffee and what you call ‘breakfast’ (usually a gross combination of whatever you can find in your fridge), your bedroom to get dressed, and finally a return to the bathroom to brush your teeth. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Much to your coworkers’ delight, you’ve been showering and doing your laundry semi-regularly. Chester often snickers about your ‘Legendary Pit-Stains’ and laments their absence. 

YOU - As you towel off the last of the remaining water on your body, you look into the fridge and try to find something edible.

CONCEPTUALIZATION (Failure) - Uhh.. there’s a slice of cheese.. And some eggs?

YOU - Ah. It’s one of those days, huh?

CONCEPTUALIZATION - ‘Fraid so. 

YOU - You decide to  _ attempt _ to make a meal out of your options. You crack two eggs into a pan (while mentally noting to get a shopping list together soon) and take a sip of your coffee while making your way into your bedroom.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Can I have another crack at this ‘getting your shit together for the day’ thing..?

YOU - I guess.. I mean, it can’t get any worse than this, right?

VOLITION - Please don’t tempt fate.

YOU - Agreeing with the one sensible voice in your head, you get dressed in your regular disco-ass clothes (instead of humoring the concept of heading into work in an outfit more garish than your bell-bottoms) and head back to the kitchen where you put the somewhat competently-cooked eggs onto a plate. 

You put the slice of cheese on top of the eggs and then put  _ that  _ inside two pieces of bread.

HAND/EYE COORDINATION - Congratulations! You’ve made a sandwich! 

VOLITION - Be kind. It could be much worse.

LOGIC - Like the time he ate a raw slice of ham and got salmonella at the office?

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Or the time Judit saw him eat a cupcake wrapper and became visibly concerned?

PAIN THRESHOLD -  _ Or  _ the time he saw a half-eaten candy bar on the ground, picked it up, and--

YOU - Guys. Please.

PAIN THRESHOLD - I hope you never put us through that pain ever again.

YOU - Soon enough, you finish with your routine and make it out of the house at 8:15. It’s a brisk walk to the station, and you actually somewhat appreciate the fact that you drove your car into the ocean for once. Walking to the precinct is, as you’ve discovered, a great way to wake up.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You still sometimes wish they’d issue you another motor carriage, though.

LOGIC - You know they won’t, or at least they won’t for a very very  _ very _ long time. 40,000 reál is not easily recovered. You messed up.

SHIVERS - A father is getting into his own MC and bidding farewell to his wife and children. Two boys, one girl. The wife is tired of this. She knows her husband has to work so they don’t end up homeless, but resents the lack of time spent with their family. She leads the children back into the home with a sigh. Another day has come.

YOU - Sometime later, after passing countless amounts of people on their way to their own jobs, schools, and appointments, you finally make it to the steps of Precinct 41. You check the clock in the lobby as you step in; you made it to work with 2 minutes to spare. 

Upstairs, as you settle into your chair and wait for Kim to arrive, Jean passes you by.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “‘Morning, shitass,” he grumbles over his own mug full of pitch black coffee.

YOU - “‘Shitass’? Are you starting to lose your touch with insults, Jean?” you laugh as you get your ledger out of your bag.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He shoots you a look. “Of course I’m fucking not, idiot. Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He either chooses not to--or forgets--to comment on your current sobriety. He knows how hard you’ve worked in the past year since you lost your memory. However, he also knows how much you’ve  _ hurt  _ him, and isn’t afraid to bring it up.

YOU - “I’m just waiting for Kim to show up so we can head out,” you explain, beginning to fiddle with your tie out of habit. “Aren’t  _ you  _ supposed to be doing something else other than hovering over me?” you retort.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Yeah. My  _ job _ ,” Jean bites back before starting to leave. 

REACTION SPEED - He threw something to you. A small piece of paper, it seems like-- catch it before it’s too late.

YOU - You successfully catch the note before it hits the ground, and upon looking at it you observe two things: 

  1. It’s addressed to you. More specifically, ‘RCM Officers Lt. Kitsuragi and Lt. Du Bois’.
  2. It’s from Lorena Gurenstotte, the matriarch of the family involved in the murders.



You grin and look to where Jean has just retreated to. You can’t wait to show this to Kim.

Speaking of Kim, you find it odd that you can’t find him anywhere. His desk looks like it hasn’t been touched since yesterday, and you would’ve seen him on your way in if he was here.

VOLITION - He’s probably fine. There’s no evidence of the worst happening to him-- he’s just late, is all.

COMPOSURE - You can go looking for him, if you’d like, but try not to seem…  _ too  _ panicked. 

EMPATHY - Right. We don’t need the rest of the office thinking there’s more going on between us and Kim. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Not that we wouldn’t  _ mind  _ that being reality _ , _ per se..

YOU - You get out of your chair and decide to head to the coffee maker first, and to wander aimlessly around the building looking for the lieutenant second. You begin washing your favorite mug. It was a gift from Judit for reaching a milestone in your recovery journey; the front has an image of a cockatoo on it.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - Specifically, a sulphur-crested cockatoo.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - It’s a warm summer’s morning. You had arrived to work early as per your partner’s request, and as you were getting out all of the paperwork you needed to fill out, Judit approached you.

_ You’ve been sober for a while, and I wanted to get you something to commemorate the occasion. You mentioned your ‘heraldic bird’ being a cockatoo, so I thought it fit,  _ she said. She has always been kind to you. You wish you hadn’t taken advantage of it before Martinaise.

YOU - After getting out the stains from your last cup of coffee, you fill the mug up with the stuff and take a sip.

PERCEPTION - Oh, this is good. 

LOGIC - It’s most likely burnt, and the taste makes you instinctively scrunch your nose. 

ENDURANCE - You wouldn’t have it any other way.

YOU - The door to the stairwell is just around the corner. You’re about to turn towards it to begin your manhunt, when suddenly--

KIM KITSURAGI - --the lieutenant runs into you, and you get coffee all over yourself.

“Ah! I-- Detective, I am so, so sorry--” he begins when he realizes what’s happened. 

PAIN THRESHOLD - The coffee burns your skin a little through your soaked shirt. You take it like a  _ champ _ . 

AUTHORITY - Make him pay for disrespecting you and wasting your time like this. 

LOGIC - He was running late, which may I remind you all  _ is something he never does, _ so it’s understandable that he was rushing. It’s not his fault.

KIM KITSURAGI - Your partner has already begun dabbing your shirt with a napkin he grabbed from his pocket. “I’m sorry, Harry, really, I should’ve been watching where I was going…” he continues, gaining back his composure as time goes on. 

EMPATHY - He really is sorry, and he’s trying not to look at your chest through your practically see-through button-up. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - He likes what he sees! Take off your shirt and watch him salivate at your manly physique! 

YOU - “No, Kim, it’s fine, I promise,” you begin, grabbing his wrist gently and stopping his efforts at cleaning you up. “I was just looking for you anyways. We can swing around my place when we head out and I’ll get changed.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He grimaces, but stares at your hand on his. “If you say so, detective.”

YOU - You reluctantly let go of him and make your way back to your desks. Kim has fully regained his coolness now. He sits down in his chair, takes one last look at your shirt, and gets to taking out his signature notebook. You button up your blazer (trying to at  _ least _ hide the damage for now) and sit across from Kim.

REACTION SPEED - The note! Tell him about the note!

YOU - “So, Kim..” 

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks up. “Yes? I hope this is about the case,” he says.

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ And not a long tangent about something you saw or what your voices said to you,  _ he thinks. 

YOU - You pick up the letter from Mrs. Gurenstotte from your desk. “Guess what this is? You get three chances. I’ll throw in a hint if you want one, too.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective, please..”

YOU - “If it helps, you get a prize if you guess right.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He pinches the bridge of his nose. “And what would that be, officer?”

EMPATHY - He’s getting a little agitated. Don’t push him too far.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - A prize? How about a kiss from yours truly?

RHETORIC - Or, better yet, how about ‘No getting in his way or derailing the investigation for an entire day’?

VOLITION (Failure) - Just.. Just do whatever.

YOU - “Um.. I’ll, uh…” You stutter. 

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim looks at the note, narrowing his eyes a little. “It’s for the investigation.”

LOGIC - Luckily your brain isn’t  _ too  _ addled to be able to recognize that the letter is turned towards him and he can  _ clearly _ read it.

YOU - “Right,” you start, setting it down and sliding the paper to his desk. “I didn’t really get the chance to read it. What’s she want?” you ask.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s glad that you’ve cut the nonsense. Very, very glad. 

KIM KITSURAGI - His eyes quickly scan the letter before he looks up at you and gives you a small smirk. “It seems like we finally have a willing participant in our investigation.”

-

YOU - It takes a little while to get going, what with Kim  _ insisting _ you get your paperwork out of the way (despite it being only a few pages), but finally the two of you clamber into his motor carriage and drive to your apartment. In an effort to not annoy him even more than you already have today, you grab the first shirt you see and get back into the car in the middle of putting it on.

PERCEPTION - You  _ swear _ you could see Kim eyeing your chest in all of it’s hairy glory. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Sexy! You forgot sexy! Sexy, hairy glory!

YOU - You look down to see whatever the hell it is that you found and find it to be your Man of Hjelmdall graphic tee. It hugs your torso nicely and accentuates your biceps. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He clears his throat and squeezes the steering wheel a little bit. “Are you ready, detective?”

SAVOIR FAIRE - Say something cool!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - No, say something  _ suave. _

VOLITION - Just say ‘yes’. Please.

YOU - You turn to him and beam. “ _ Hells  _ to the yes, Kim. Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Now  _ that’s _ hardcore, eh?

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ Nobody but you would say something like that, _ he thinks,  _ And I hope you never change. _

YOU - The Kineema starts up and drives off into the morning Jamrock traffic. You find yourself staring out the window at the world passing by, watching the sun’s rays pass through the various tall buildings that line the street, the trees beginning to flower, the clouds that are forming way out north…

INLAND EMPIRE - It is like you are at the center of everything happening. The sun is saying  _ I love this world, and I will warm it until I die. _ The trees are whispering to each other, swaying in the breeze and speaking of the pollinators they love so much. The sky seems to smile. 

It has been so long since you’ve seen a day like this. Cherish it. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective, do you mind if I put on some music?”

YOU - The sudden sound of his voice brings you out of your daydreams. “Huh? Oh, yeah, go ahead. SpeedfreaksFM?”

KIM KITSURAGI - With a chuckle he shakes his head and reaches for the radio. It turns to...

ENCYCLOPEDIA - ...That same radio frequency from before, with the special band. This time, though, it’s playing something else, something unfamiliar..

RADIO -  _ \--ing so hard to be somebody special _

_ Not working just to survive _

_ Well you're special to me babe _

_ But what I don't see babe is _

_ Where you go once you arrive _

_ Where we go once we arrive.. _

YOU - “You’ve been playing music more often, lately.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Oh?” He says, focused on driving. “I haven’t noticed.” 

DRAMA - Fat chance of that..

ESPRIT DE CORPS - In the entirety of your time together, the only times Kim would put on the radio were when you were either chasing a suspect or when he was  _ really _ going through it. 

EMPATHY - But.. he’s fine, as far as we can tell. He’s calm, he’s just driving us to the café we’re meeting Lorena at..

LOGIC - Is he.. Doing this for  _ us? _

VOLITION - He could be. But why not before? 

ESPRIT DE CORPS (Failure) - Well.. he  _ does  _ feel bad about ruining your first shirt. Maybe it’s a peace offering of sorts?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Or, hear me out here, maybe, just  _ maybe _ , he’s making his  _ move _ . 

YOU - His.. move?

SAVOIR FAIRE - How did the others put it earlier..? You’re dancing around each other, barely slinking past over and over again, coming close and then backing off again..

INLAND EMPIRE - Like cosmic orbit. Like two blinding suns. Like birds dive bombing the same prey.

COMPOSURE - You manage to not visibly freak out. Sure, your heart is beating a little faster, but it’s nothing Kim would notice. 

YOU - Oh my god. Oh my god. What if it’s happening? What if he really does like me?? What the fuck??

AUTHORITY - You’re starting to sound like a high school girl waiting for her crush to invite her to prom. Knock it off, it’s just..

VOLITION - Stay calm. Let things take their course, do what feels right; if Kim reciprocates, then that’s great. If he doesn’t.. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - ..We will drink and drug ourselves to oblivion so we don’t have to remember the shame of rejection!

VOLITION - No. No. No. Just.. No.

RADIO -  _..no child but I can't help wonder _

_ It seems like some kind of spell you're under _

_ You're listening baby but somehow you don't really hear.. _

YOU - “Just what sort of station  _ is  _ this, Kim?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He shrugs. “It’s a variety of mid-20s rock & roll music mixed with a little bit of early ‘30s. I listen to it sometimes at home when going over case notes,” he admits, albeit sheepishly. “If it bothers you, I can turn it off.”

EMPATHY - He was sharing this with you. This is something not many people know about him. Cherish it.

YOU - “I like it. It’s not Disco, but it’s disco.. Y’know?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “I don’t, detective, but I’m glad you like it.”

RADIO - _ ...hard to be somebody special _

_ Not working just to survive _

_ Well you're special to me babe _

_ But what I don't see babe is _

_ Where we go once we arrive _

_ Where you go once you arrive… _

The song ends after a last reprise of the chorus, and a moment of silence passes before another song starts playing. 

YOU - You miss the first song somewhat, but resign to looking out the window again. You notice that you’re in a richer neighborhood now; Buildings with intricate stonework tower over you, and you see more and more brand-specific stores popping up around you.

KIM KITSURAGI - Soon enough, you feel the Kineema stop. Kim turns to you.

“Detective? We’re here.”

YOU - You get out of the MC and stretch a little before looking through the window of the café. Sure enough, you see Lorena sitting in the corner sipping on something. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION - This building is new. The architecture is a bit more modern than the shops surrounding it-- More sharp edges, less stone-carved flourishes. There is a menu painted on the left side of the glass separating you from the inside hubbub.

YOU - “Kim, you want anything from here?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks at you, a little surprised, but answers, “I think I’ll be fine. Let’s just focus on the interview for now.”

EMPATHY - Get him something anyways. He hasn’t eaten yet.

YOU - The two of you head in, but split ways as you head to the counter where a very peppy-looking teen stands and Kim goes to the back.

PEPPY EMPLOYEE - “Good morning, sir! Would you like to try our new Black Coffee©?” she asks, looking you straight in the eye. 

AUTHORITY - This is weird. Don’t let her get the jump on you.

YOU - “Did you guys used to not have a regular black coffee..?”

PEPPY EMPLOYEE - “Oh, we have a regular black coffee, but our Black Coffee© is different. You should try it!”

SUGGESTION - This.. Black Coffee© she speaks of.. There’s gotta be something special about it if she wants you to get it so bad, right? 

YOU - “What’s different about it?”

PEPPY EMPLOYEE - “Our Black Coffee© uses only the richest and most potent coffee beans around! And instead of regular water, we use our signature Black Water©!”

ENCYCLOPEDIA - Sometime in the late ‘40s, there was a popular trend of getting black colored products, particularly popular among youths. It was started by an artist whose gallery show, ‘Life sans Light’, reflected everyday objects but colored black. 

YOU - Wow. Why?

ENCYCLOPEDIA - The artist wished to show what the world would look like to someone who shuts out all light in their life-- friends, family, interests, etcetera. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION - The world to someone who had nothing. 

PEPPY EMPLOYEE - “Would you like to try it? It’s only ✤5.99!”

EMPATHY - She doesn’t seem to mind your prolonged silences. Her pep is untouchable.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - That is  _ way _ too much for some bullshit art coffee.

YOU - “Uh, sure. I’ll also take two croissants, please.”

PEPPY EMPLOYEE - “Would that be two regular croissants or two Croissants©, sir?”

AUTHORITY - Don’t ask. Get out of her snare  _ now. _

YOU - “Just two regular croissants, please.”

PEPPY EMPLOYEE - “Alright! May I have a name for your order, sir?”

VOLITION - Don’t you dare.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Do it. Make the world recognize Raphaël  Ambrosius Costeau once and for all.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - If Kim hears that name ring out while you’re conducting the interview, he will kill you.

AUTHORITY - No, worse than that-- He’ll get you in his thrall. 

YOU - Oh god. Oh no.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Well, it’s kinda hot if--

AUTHORITY - It’s not. It’s not. It’s not.

YOU - You give your name--your real name, Harry--to the barista before paying the  ✤11.21 you owe  and walk back to where Kim and Lorena are sitting.

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “...So there I was, watching my husband talk to this absolute devil-woman, when--Oh! Officer Du Bois, thank you for coming. Have a seat.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s looking at you with eyes that say,  _ Took you long enough. Please help me. _

YOU - You sit down next to Kim and nod at Lorena. “Good morning, miss. You wanted to talk to us about the investigation?”

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant gets out his notebook and begins writing.

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “Yes. I’m glad you got my letter; the man on the phone seemed  _ so  _ dismissive that I was scared he’d just throw it away!” she laughs.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - An exasperated Jules Pidieu hunches over his desk, resting his forehead on his palm as he speaks to someone over the radio.

_ No, ma’am, I just need to know who you need this delivered to. Do they work at the station? Can you give me their names?  _ he asks, picking up a pen and scribbling on a notepad.  _ Du Bois and Kitsuragi.. Thank you ma’am, we’ll pass the message on first thing tomorrow morning. No, they’re not-- It’s 21:00, they’ve been officially off the clock for hours now, I can’t-- ma’am, please-- Goodnight. _

Oldboy puts down the talkpiece and lets out a long sigh. That was excruciating. 

YOU - “Oh, I’m sure Jules was just tired. He mans that radio all day.”

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - She narrows her eyes at you before shaking her head. “Right. Well, you want to hear what I have to say, right?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes, miss. It may help us in the investigation.” 

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “Well, as you may know, my side of the family is a bit more  _ progressive _ than my better half’s.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - She’s saying that they’re party people.

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - She bites the inside of her cheek. “So, as you can imagine, we’re a bit more lax when it comes to..  _ Substances. _ ” She says the last part slowly, gauging your reaction.

KIM KITSURAGI - He raises an eyebrow, writing in his notebook. “Such as?”

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “I assure you, officers, that they’re completely legal.”

DRAMA - She’s lying. Her hands are shaking, her pupils are dilated-- this woman is high  _ as we speak. _

SUGGESTION - Lower her guard. She won’t tell you everything if she thinks you’ll arrest her.

YOU - “Ma’am, I promise you that we’re only here about the murders. Nothing more, nothing less.”

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim nods as you say this, looking to Lorena. 

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - The woman looks at you and then at Kim. “Well, we do a bit of marijuana, as prescribed by my doctor, of course. However, my children partake in.. um.. Harder substances, if you will. They get them from an old family friend.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Shaking and big eyes aren’t signs of pot use. She’s on something  _ worse _ , baby. 

DRAMA - She isn’t lying about the devil’s lettuce, though.

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - She takes a big breath before continuing. “And, well.. All four of the deceased,” she pauses, sniffling a little, “Th-they went to go see him when they…” 

She trails off, unwilling to continue.

EMPATHY - She’s lost four of her children. Her grief right now is unimaginable.

KIM KITSURAGI - “May we have a name for the suspect?”

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - Her eyes darken. “Officer, our family friend would  _ never-- _ ”

YOU - “Miss, we aren’t going to arrest him,” you interrupt, “We just need to get his side of the story so we can find out who killed your children.”

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - She winces a little at  _ killed  _ and  _ children _ , but softens when she takes in your statement. “I can give you an address. 6700 Ranger Ave, take a right at the end of the fence-- He’ll be behind the building at 20:00 and onwards.”

KIM KITSURAGI - Your partner quickly notes down the address Lorena gives you both. “Is there anything else you would like to tell us, Mrs. Gurenstotte?”

PEPPY EMPLOYEE - “I’ve got one  Black Coffee© and two regular croissants for Harry!”

YOU - You look over to the orders counter and see your Art Coffee. “Kim, if you’ll excuse me..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He puts a hand on your shoulder. “No, detective, let  _ me, _ ” he says as he stands up to go collect your food.

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ Your turn, _ he says. 

YOU - Your shoulder tingles from where he touched it. You stare as he walks up to the counter and waits for the other customers to collect their drinks and move aside so he can retrieve yours. 

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “So, you’re a fan of Hjelmdallerman too?”

YOU - You snap back from your Kim-smitten thoughts to look at her. She’s staring at your shirt. 

“Yeah, kinda. You dig this stuff too?” You ask, smiling a little.

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “Oh, kind of..” She begins, gesturing with her hand. “I only read them in my spare time when my husband isn’t home. He isn’t as much of a fan as me, you see.”

SUGGESTION - Only when her husband isn’t home..?

YOU - “Is he jealous of the Man from Hjelmdall or something?” you laugh, “I mean, even  _ I  _ wish my biceps were as big as his…”

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Maybe if you lifted more often...

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - She looks down, resting her head on folded hands. “Well.. my husband could stand to be a little more.. Y’know,” she continues coyly. “I love him, I really do, but sometimes he gets a bit.. Judgy.” 

YOU - “Oh? How so?”

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “He’s a bit more conservative compared to my side of the family, and our children-- well,  _ his _ children, seem to share his views.”

ENCYCLOPEDIA - The family has 8 children in total. 4 from Arthur Cantillon’s previous marriage, and 4 from Lorena’s previous marriage. Both ex-spouses are now deceased. 3 Cantillon children and one Gurenstotte child have died.

RHETORIC - The killer’s got something against crazy-rich fascist-leaning ultraliberals, eh? But that one Gurenstotte kid..

KIM KITSURAGI - Just as you’re about to sink into deep thought about this, Kim comes by with your coffee and food. Your fingers brush as he passes the Black Coffee© to you. He looks at you a little smugly.

“I hope I’m not intruding on something terribly important,” he says.

YOU - “Thanks, Kim. We were just talking about Mr. Cantillon and his political leanings.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Ah.”

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “Well, officers, if there’s nothing else I can help you with, I suppose I must get going!” she smiles. “I’ll see you around. Good luck with the case!”

You watch as Lorena walks hurriedly out the doors of the café and down the street.

YOU - “That woman’s on something,” you say as Kim sits across in Lorena’s previously vacated seat.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Oh, definitely. It’s probably what kept her sane enough to sit through a meeting.”

YOU - You glance at him. “Dealing with past withdrawal, you think?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Most likely, yes.”

YOU - You take a sip of your Black Coffee©.

PERCEPTION - This.. this is just regular coffee.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Well? How is it?” he asks, searching your face for any reaction.

LOGIC - He saw what you ordered, obviously, and got confused at the Black Coffee© branding all over it. He’s curious. 

YOU - “The barista lied to me. This is just classic beanwater.” You can’t help but feel a little disappointed. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He hums. “Was it supposed to be any different?”

YOU - “Well, for a ✤5.99 coffee, I at least thought it’d be  _ special  _ or something. She said it had super-charged coffee beans in it.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He suppresses a smile. “So, I assume this extra croissant is for me?”

YOU - You’re a little surprised he knew. “Yeah, how could you tell?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He shrugs once again. “It’s just something you would do,” he answers simply.

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ Something  _ only  _ you would do, _ he adds silently.

EMPATHY - He appreciates your kindness.

YOU - “Well, dig in.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He takes the one closest to him and takes a small bite. “Thank you, detective,” he says.

SUGGESTION - Let the moment sit. Don’t bring up the killer’s possible motive just yet; you can wait for when you get back in the Kineema for that.

YOU - The two of you enjoy your short respite. Every so often, you’ll look over at him, and see him looking back.

It’s nice. It feels.. Nice.

As you sip your overpriced artistic statement and simply  _ exist _ with Kim, you feel hopeful that the rest of today will go well.

-

_ Is there nothing better _

_ Nothing softer, kinder, sweeter _

_ Than the tongue of one  _

_ Who loves you _

_ As the Pale loves the isolas? _

_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! super long chapter time! i had a lot of fun writing this one and I hope you guys liked reading it!! as always kudos/comments appreciated, hope u all have a great day, and my twitter is @horsetailthread if you wanna check it out :)
> 
> (song playing on radio is Special to Me by Jessica Harper!)


	3. I Have Been the World and Felt it Turning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry jumps the gun with Kim.
> 
> Both end up suffering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from The Phantom's Theme by Paul Williams! :)

YOU - You relax in your usual seat in the lieutenant's beloved car after having just enjoyed a nice breakfast together at the most bougie café you’ve ever sat in. The lieutenant himself is checking over the notes he took while meeting with Mrs. Gurenstotte.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - The downward curve of his nose draws your eye. It perfectly matches his resilient personality and strong character-- at least, to you.

YOU - Woah, you can be romantic?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Of course I can! Sex isn’t all bodily fluids, you know. There’s passion there. In  _ you _ . 

CONCEPTUALIZATION - You feel like you could write a thousand poems just about Kim’s eyes. Or hair. Or hands. Or mouth. Or literally anything about him.

VOLITION - You should probably go back to thinking about the case.

YOU - “So, Kim, when I was talking with Lorena, I think I got a possible motive out of her.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He hums, interested. “Well?”

YOU - “Her husband and his kids are all fascists, apparently.”

RHETORIC - They most likely call themselves ‘traditionalists’. Gross.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes. And three of his children are dead.”

YOU - “Are you thinking what  _ I’m _ thinking, Kim?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “..I believe so, yes. A political motive wouldn’t be too far fetched.”

YOU - “So.. what now?” 

KIM KITSURAGI - He pauses, setting his notebook down in his lap and closing his eyes for a second.

LOGIC - You've been on top of your paperwork, you don’t have many other leads to follow, the rest of the Gurenstotte-Cantillon family has  _ refused  _ to speak to you, and you can’t go visit their ‘Family Friend’ until later tonight. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Kim knows all of this, and he’s trying to find a solution as well.

INLAND EMPIRE (Failure) - You cannot tell if there is anything you are missing. 

YOU - “What if we just.. Relaxed? Until 20:00, of course.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks back at you skeptically. “Detective, we’re in the middle of an investigation. We can’t just  _ relax _ , we’ve got to…” his voice halts. 

EMPATHY - His professional side is struggling to come up with a plan. 

SUGGESTION - This is the  _ perfect _ opportunity to ask him out on a date.

VOLITION - You’re investigating murders!!! You should NOT ask him out!!!

SUGGESTION - It’s not like your time in Martinaise was all work and no play.

AUTHORITY - You’re a Lieutenant Double-Yefreitor. You’ve worked hard all year since you lost your memories. So what if you slack off a little bit? Who’s gonna stop you?

ENCYCLOPEDIA - Coffee stains are difficult to remove once dried. You should’ve washed your clothes ages ago, when you and your partner first stopped at your house.

YOU - “Could we maybe stop back at my house again? I forgot to put my shirt in the wash.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s about to protest when he realizes that there’s nothing else to do. He starts up the motor carriage and you feel yourself lurch back in your seat as you go down the street, Kim following an invisible route that his mind had traced back to your apartment building. 

EMPATHY - Despite his previous apprehension, he’s glad that you’ve found something to do.

-

YOU - After a short drive and a little bit of convincing, you are now standing in front of your washer unit after having stuffed it full with all of your laundry. You walk back to your living room where Kim is looking through your bookshelf.

“Find anything you like?” you ask, leaning against the wall to face him.

KIM KITSURAGI - “You seem to have many books on history here, detective.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - ...Oh man. He saw the homo-sexual underground books, didn’t he?

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Despite all the pining, despite the  _ literal year  _ you’ve both known each other, despite the close calls and the late nights and sleepovers and comforting.. You still haven’t fully figured out your sexuality.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You  _ definitely _ know you like Kim, but you don’t know if he’s the  _ only _ guy you like. 

INLAND EMPIRE - Cool air on a spring evening. Lithe collar bones poking out of an unbuttoned shirt. The scent of cigarettes fills the air as you stare at this monument to beauty.

YOU - ...Okay, but that was only one other guy.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective..?”

YOU - You shake your head, snapping back to reality. “Sorry. What was that?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He gives you a tiny endearing smile. 

YOU - Holy fuck. Holy fuck. His smile is so cute. Oh my god.

KIM KITSURAGI - His eyes survey yours for a moment before he returns to his regular professional self. “Have you always been interested in subculture history?”

YOU - “Um.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “If the subject is too personal, you have no obligation to answer me, detective.”

EMPATHY - He knows how awkward it is to be asked about your sexuality.

YOU - “I mean, kinda? I j-just thought I should read some to become, um… more well-rounded.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He says nothing at this, only looking at your bookshelf for one last time before checking his watch. “How long do you think the wash will take?”

ENCYCLOPEDIA (Failure) - You realize that you’ve never actually tracked how much time it takes for you to do a load of laundry.

YOU - “Uh.. an hour or two I think? Sorry it’s gonna take so long.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “No worries. It’s-” --he pauses to check his watch-- “-13:00. We have plenty of time until our meeting.”

LOGIC - I believe it’s now my turn to ask  _ what now? _

PERCEPTION - Out of the corner of your eye, you can see him looking at you.

YOU - Maybe Kim has something he needs to do?

VOLITION - This is  _ Kim _ we’re talking about. He’s got every ounce of his shit together. There’s no way.

INLAND EMPIRE - Ask anyways.

YOU - You look back to Kim. “Is there anything  _ you _ need to do--”

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s stepped closer to you. 

YOU - “--today…?”

COMPOSURE - His eyes are darting around your face. He’s breathing moderately heavier. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry, do you..”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - ..Wanna have sex? FUCK YEAH!

VOLITION (Failure) - Oh my god what if he wants to ask  _ us  _ out.

EMPATHY (Failure) - You have no idea what’s going through his head right now.

LOGIC (Failure) - Kiss him before he can finish.

YOU - You are a crazy motherfucker who does whatever his brain tells him to do. Therefore, you take his face into your hands and press a chaste kiss to his lips.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - It feels good.  _ Real _ good. Almost like Her.

SUGGESTION - You feel eyelashes flitting against your cheeks. Let go soon so you don’t make it awkward or uncomfortable.

YOU - You let go and your hands drop to his shoulders. Your cheeks are heating up, and if you really focused on your body, you could  _ feel _ the sweat coming out of your glands.

KIM KITSURAGI - He stares at you, ears tinged red and eyes starstruck. His glasses are askew, he’s as still as a corpse, and his fists are clenching.

LOGIC - ...Whoops.

YOU - The silence is unbearable as you stand there, each unwilling to breach the still air between you, praying to every Innocence above that  _ something _ happens next.

KIM KITSURAGI - His hand reaches up to correct his glasses. He’s still speechless.

EMPATHY - He’s not going to start this conversation.

YOU - “...I just have that effect, huh?” you timidly jest.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - The Superstar is not at peak performance right now. In fact, the Superstar feels like he’s just pantsed Captain Pryce and then himself in front of the entire RCM.

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim opens his mouth and then closes it. He’s struggling to come up with some sort of answer to what just happened. 

“Harry, I..”

SUGGESTION - Fuck.

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks like he’s about to press forward, but instead he moves away and turns away from you. “I’ll pick you up at 19:00. Please be ready by the time I get to you.”

YOU - You stand there, eyes boring into his backside as he walks out of your apartment and leaves you alone.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Yowch.

VOLITION - It’s not that bad. It’s not like he said he hates us, or that he didn’t like it. He just..

HALF-LIGHT - He left you. Like  _ she _ did. Like everyone will.

LOGIC - That’s not what’s happening here. There’s something there, something we touched and almost brought out..

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s being professional. He  _ has  _ to be. 

EMPATHY - This wasn’t only hard for you, you know.

SUGGESTION (Failure) - But you  _ failed _ .

AUTHORITY - And you think you’re deserving of your badge? Of anything?

VOLITION (Failure) - Go on. Sob. Bawl like a child would. Slip back into your bedroom and cry yourself to sleep.

YOU - But.. the radio.. This has been going on for months…

ENDURANCE (Failure) - You feel tears begin to roll down your cheeks. Your lip is trembling.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You’re pathetic. You’re wasting tears over your own fucking mistakes.

YOU - You shuffle into your bedroom and slip under the covers. You’re ashamed of what you did. The pillow beneath you dampens with tears.

INLAND EMPIRE - You remember your dreams. You remember the soft curve of Her lips, and Her body’s warmth, and how he pulled away just as She did.

VOLITION - Take a nap. Let yourself rest, and recover for when you inevitably must face Kim again.

YOU - Through all the snot and weeping and general anguish, you manage to calm yourself down enough to slip away into nothingness once more.

-

DOLORES DEI - “Did you really think you would ever be able to fall in love again?”

YOU - You’re sitting in the driver’s seat of a Coupris Kineema. You can’t see out the windshield, but the inside of the motor carriage is lit a light purple. 

DOLORES DEI - To your right is the unmistakable form of Her Innocence Dolores Dei, but her body is.. Shifting. Phasing in and out, being replaced by someone else and then coming back again.

“You thought you could escape me, didn’t you, Harry?”

YOU - Your hands grip the steering wheel so tightly your knuckles turn white. “Yeah. I mean, maybe, I..”

DOLORES DEI - “How long has it been, dear? How long have you been dreaming of me coming back to you? How much longer do you think you can keep Him close until he’s ruined by you?”

YOU - “He won’t be ruined. He can’t be. He’s.. he’s too good for that. He’s strong.”

DOLORES DEI - “Too good for  _ you _ , you mean.”

YOU - You sigh. You wish you wouldn’t have these dreams, or any dreams  _ at all _ for that matter. You wish that She would stop haunting you. That you could move on for once.

However, you  _ also  _ wish that She was still here.

DOLORES DEI - Her body keeps moving in and out of the current dimension. The edges of her body blur, and her eyes seem to flip between gold and umber. 

“You’re almost there. You’re so close to forgetting me, but you don’t want to, do you?”

YOU - “Dora…”

DOLORES DEI - “Do you really want to forget the days we spent? The warm afternoons in each other’s arms, or the nights we spent tearing our room apart?”

YOU - You take a deep breath. You can’t let her win-- not this time. 

DOLORES DEI - “Do you want to forget the way I would look at you like you were the coolest person in the world?” she asks, moving her hand to the door handle, “Do you want to leave me behind, Harry?”

YOU - “...I don’t know.”

You know you have to. You  _ must.  _ You don’t want to wallow in self-pity anymore, even if it feels good, if it feels  _ right _ , if it means not having to deal with responsibilities and the outside world…

DOLORES DEI - She opens the door and steps out.

“You’ll hurt him, my love.”

YOU - “I won’t. I’m better. I’ve been doing so much better, I…”

DOLORES DEI - She looks off into the void beyond the vehicle. 

“Goodbye, Harrier.”

YOU - Your eyes open to the somber hues of your dark bedroom.

-

LOGIC - You slept for about two and a half hours. Upon awakening, you cried for another hour before getting out of bed. 

VOLITION - You washed your face, brushed your teeth and sat on the sofa in your living room. 

ENDURANCE - You were emotionally exhausted. 

SUGGESTION - So, like any well-adjusted member of society who just got rejected by his crush, you listened to the radio while looking at various pictures of the two of you together to pass the time. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA - After going through your small photo collection, you began reading. You burned through 5 novellas. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And you did all this  _ nerd shit _ because you knew that if you went out and listened to me, the one Cool Person in this entire mindscape, you’d probably relapse.

AUTHORITY - You wouldn’t let yourself be pushed back by this. You may want to, but you know that would only make things with Kim worse.

PAIN THRESHOLD -  _ Kim…  _ it hurts to even think his name. 

VOLITION - Time passes. The shadows on your floor go long as the sun sets, and soon the only light in your apartment is from your cigarette. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Despite your  _ loser  _ efforts, you’re still on cigs. You have maybe 3 a day. 

PERCEPTION - There is a knock on your door. Three short raps; it’s time to go. 

YOU - You get up, take three deep breaths, and open the door.

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s standing there, hand raised as if he’s about to knock again. He looks at the ground. 

“Let’s go.” 

YOU - You get into his motor carriage and feel yourself relax in it’s soft leather upholstery, and you close your eyes in preparation for whatever lecture Kim is going to give you.

It never comes.

EMPATHY (Failure) - Once again, you find yourself unable to read him. He’s unwilling to give anything away.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s slipped back into his 100% professional self that he usually reserves for witnesses or suspects. 

INLAND EMPIRE - You are wading through swamps of uncharted territory. You do not remember where you are going, or where you came from.

KIM KITSURAGI - He clears his throat. 

PERCEPTION - A quiet noise emerges from him. He’s about to speak, but decides against it. 

LOGIC - Well,  _ somebody’s  _ gotta say something.

KIM KITSURAGI - After Dolores-knows-how-long of driving in total silence, the carriage stops and Kim gets out. 

VOLITION - Say something. Don’t sob into his arms or anything, but… say something, for Dei’s sake. 

YOU - You get out and follow Kim down the street of which you were instructed to go down. Staring at his back like this is odd; usually  _ you _ were the one leading  _ him _ to points of interests, not the other way around.

Eventually, though, you reach the alleyway. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He turns to you and raises an eyebrow. 

“Be on your guard, detective.”

YOU - “Kim, wait…”

KIM KITSURAGI - He shifts uncomfortably.

YOU - “I’m sorry.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Let’s focus on the case now and think about feelings later. Now, as I said,  _ be on your guard. _ ”

AUTHORITY - He’s protecting himself by keeping you at arm’s length. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - There  _ is _ merit to his statement, though. You’re on the job and about to confront a potentially dangerous suspect. 

YOU - You sigh and turn the corner to the dark, cramped street where your next can-opening opportunity lies before Kim can begin leading you again.

PAIN THRESHOLD - A bang. A burning pain on the right side of your forehead. 

You fall from the impact. 

  
  


-

  
  


ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Oh, Harry, Harry, Harry… quite the predicament you’ve gotten yourself into this time.

Out cold on the ground, bleeding from the temple… Oh baby, you’re in the  _ deep shit _ now.

YOU - What..? Where am I? What happened?

LIMBIC SYSTEM - He doesn’t know. He’s so fucked up by his mistakes that he’s gone down the rabbit hole, gone deep into the familiar darkness of misery. He’s dead! He’s finally died!

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Oh, he’s  _ worse _ than dead. He’s a fucking disappointment.

YOU - No I’m not. Kim is proud of me. I’m proud of me..

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Are you? Do you see yourself in the mirror and not a snivelling manbaby? You seriously don’t see a culmination of death and hatred and malice..?

LIMBIC SYSTEM - He sees a failure of a man. He sees the scorching reds and yellows of the apocalypse, and himself at the center of it. He sees the reason why all life will end on Elysium. 

YOU - Can I wake up now? I don’t want to be here anymore.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - He thinks he can withstand us. When will you learn, Harry? You will never outrun us. You will never see yourself be happy. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - You will die alone, Harry. Dolores Dei herself will cast you from the safe haven of the afterlife into the darkness where you belong. The Haloed One will see you, a sputtering mess, and kick you deeper into the abyss. He’ll be taking out the  _ trash _ .

LIMBIC SYSTEM - Goodbye, Harry. The light is coming. That disgusting, painful light which wants you dead. Have fun.

-

YOU - You open your eyes and squint at your surroundings. You’re in the backseat of Kim’s Coupris Kineema, and something is dripping down your cheek. You look around to see if the lieutenant is there but you can’t see anything past the windshield. 

INLAND EMPIRE - There’s nothing for you here. This is not your domain.

PAIN THRESHOLD - Your head throbs. You have an open wound somewhere.

YOU - What.. happened?

VISUAL CALCULUS - Judging by the way that you’re laying down, you were dragged here, likely from the left side. The radio receiver is hanging from where it usually sits; Probably used to call for backup. 

PERCEPTION - You hear yelling from somewhere far off. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - An RCM-issued Coupris 40 is racing down the streets of Jamrock. Two officers are sitting in it, discussing worriedly about what could have happened. 

_ You think Mullen is…?  _ the red-haired one asks, looking over at his superior. 

_ Of course not. Don’t be stupid, _ the satellite-officer retorts. His knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel so tight.  _ Kitsuragi’s got his back. Not that he deserves it, but.. _

LOGIC - Don’t get up. You’ll get hurt if you do.

ENDURANCE - No, fuck that. Kim might be in danger. It’s the least you could do.

YOU - Your head starts pounding the minute you prop yourself up on your elbows. As you sit up fully and stars appear in your eyes, the distant yelling seems to become louder.

FAMILY FRIEND - “FUCK YOU! I’LL FUCKING GET YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! I’LL KILL YOU AND YOUR COCKSUCKER PARTNER!”

LOGIC - That must’ve been the kid that knocked you out. Kim has to have him under control right now, judging by what you’ve heard so far.

AUTHORITY - Go to him. Show that punk who’s boss. Show him not to fuck with you.

YOU - You get out of the MC and push through the pain while following the punk’s voice. Your head is spinning and you’re struggling to walk straight when you turn down a corner to find your partner. You draw your gun.

FAMILY FRIEND - “Oh, look who came straggling back-- pig’s got his fucking legs back after being straight  _ fucked _ , eh? TURN AROUND, PIG! GO SEE YOUR FUCKING PARTNER!”

KIM KITSURAGI - He doesn’t turn, instead keeping his eyes on the target as well as his pistol. 

“Detective, go back to the motor carriage.” 

AUTHORITY (Failure) -  _ He _ doesn’t tell you what to do, and neither does this pasty-looking speedfreak. 

YOU - You point your pepperbox at the lanky dealer at the end of the alleyway. “You hit me, huh? You gave me this shit?” you ask, gesturing with your free hand to your head. “You did this shit to a cop?”

FAMILY FRIEND - “Yeah, I got the fucking drop on you! I shot you! I got you, and you hit your fucking head on the ground like an idiot! And your pig partner dragged you away like a little baby!”

ENCYCLOPEDIA - So that’s what happened..

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Kim was incredibly worried for you. After putting you in the Kineema, he called for backup immediately and went to keeping the suspect occupied while Jean and Chester made their way to the scene. 

YOU - “You think you’re funny? You think you can take me down?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Officer..” the lieutenant warns you. 

FAMILY FRIEND - “I’m a fucking comedian! I took you down, bitch!”

HALF-LIGHT - Scare him. Show him how terrible you can be. 

VOLITION - No, it’s best to stay calm. This kid has a gun. If you provoke him, he could open fire. Again.

PAIN THRESHOLD (Failure) - You feel like you’re going to vomit. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA - You probably got a concussion when you fell down earlier.

VOLITION - Breathe. Calm, slow breaths. 

COMPOSURE - You manage to stop wobbling and keep your ground while still keeping your sights on the perp.

FAMILY FRIEND - “What are you gonna do?” he spits, “Kill me? Torture me? Take me to the Moralintern and have me locked away for eternity?”

KIM KITSURAGI - His jaw clenches. “You’re going to be charged with armed assault with intent to kill, armed assault of a police officer, and the possession and distribution of illegal substances.”

YOU - The telltale sound of tires screeching to a stop fills your ears. Two officers run up behind you with guns drawn.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Put the gun down,” Jean orders sternly, slowly walking towards the kid. “No one else needs to get hurt tonight.”

CHESTER MCLAINE - Your younger subordinate follows him, guard up and glaring at the dealer, but glances your way before hissing, “Dolores, Mullen, you got fucked up.”

YOU - This is the closest to ‘calm’ that you think you’ve ever seen Jean. He’s still as a stone, watching the man ahead with careful eyes, trying to get him to back down.

INLAND EMPIRE - This is not going to be pretty.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Just drop the gun-- _ slowly _ \--and put your hands behind your head..”

REACTION SPEED - HE’S TRYING SOMETHING

YOU - The next few seconds are a blur. 

The dealer shoots at Kim first, in an attempt to distract the rest of you from him running away, and when Chester tackles him, Jean is shot at as well.

PERCEPTION - It grazes his right arm. It’s a close call, though.

YOU - You rush to Kim’s side. He’s bleeding out of his left calf and trying not to cry out in pain. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Get Kitsuragi to the Kineema! NOW!” Jean barks as he holds his arm. “Chester! Detain the subject and drive us back to the fucking precinct!”

YOU - You lift your groaning partner up and support him on your shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay Kim, you’re gonna be fine..”

KIM KITSURAGI - “You’re.. You can’t walk straight, Harry.. You have a concussion..” he begs, “I’m..”

YOU - “No. I’m.. I’m gonna…”

For the second time tonight, you fall. The lieutenant disappears, as do Jean’s shouts, and the world falls apart beneath you. You sink into the emptiness below. 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhh my god hey guys. writing this fic has been me looking at my writing and going I Hate This I Hate This I Hate This but posting it anyways because like... technically its practice and also i really like trying to write narrative stuff. Anyways! Hope u guys enjoyed :) also sorry if the notes r all buggy... they're buggy for ME at least but like. just in case they are. I am so sorry. 
> 
> enjoy! kudos/comments appreciated as always. thanks for sticking around this far <3


	4. And so with empty arms, we must still believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reconciliation. Memories. New beginnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Old Souls by Jessica Harper!

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Fucking idiot motherfucker piece of shit son of a fucking bitch…”

YOU - Your eyes crack open to a bright, white landscape. After your eyes adjust, you recognize this to be Dr. Nix Gottlieb’s office. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You’re still in your sweaty, dirty, tear-stained clothing from before. However, it seems that the lazareth decided to accessorize you with a relatively large bandage on your right temple.

PAIN THRESHOLD - Oh my dolores your head hurts. Good fucking lord. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He glances over, and does a double-take when he realizes you’re awake. He rushes to your side.

“Harrier you son of a bitch,  _ please _ tell me you remember me.”

YOU - “‘Course I do. How could I forget someone who greets me like  _ that?” _

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He sighs, exasperated. “One hell of a fucking night. Kitsuragi, you, and I got shot,” he rambles. He straightens his back. “Guess we’re lucky that kid had worse aim than a bino in the dark.”

EMPATHY - His nerves have been rattled. He could’ve lost so much tonight.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - You try to sit up, but Jean pushes you back down. When you groan in pain, a flash of remorse crosses his face.

“Shit. Look, just…” he sighs again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What the fuck  _ happened _ out there?”

LOGIC - Lorena must’ve informed the Family Friend beforehand that you were coming. 

YOU - “That fucking.. snake. We..” you try to get out before another twinge of pain hits you.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He gestures dismissively. “It’s fine. I’ll just get it out of Kitsur--”

HALF-LIGHT - WHERE IS KIM

VOLITION - Calm down. Just ask Jean, no need to go barrelling through the entire precinct looking for him.

YOU - “Jean..” you call for him.

DRAMA - Wouldn’t it be funny if you pretended this was your dying breath?

VOLITION - Oh my god please don’t do that.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He looks back, visible concern present for a split-second. “What?”

YOU - “Come here..” you beckon. “I have something to ask of you.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He rolls his eyes. “Come the fuck  _ on, _ Harry..”

YOU - “Please… I don’t have much time left…”

DRAMA - Yes! That’s it! Keep going!

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I’m not gonna play your fucking games, idiot.”

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT -  _ Make  _ him.

YOU - You grab him by the lapels and pull him close.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - His cheeks are flushing. “Harry, if you don’t let the fuck go of my fucking coat I swear to every Innocence above that--”

YOU - “Where.. Is..  _ Kimothy.. _ ” you ask in a breathy voice.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He manages to escape from your grasp and smooths down his coat. “Do that again and I’m killing you.”

DRAMA - T’was an  _ excellent _ performance, milord. 

EMPATHY - He means it, though. The killing-you-thing.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “He’s up on the roof or something. Having his daily cig or whatever. I don’t know. What the fuck do I look like, his keeper?” he snaps.

ENDURANCE - C’mon, bad boy. Let’s get these bones moving.

YOU - You lift yourself up from the hospital bed successfully. Suddenly, your body feels a lot heavier.

PAIN THRESHOLD - You grit your teeth through it all, and somehow manage to stand up.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “You should be sitting your ass down, you know.”

YOU - “But I  _ don’t want to. _ I want to go find Kim.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ Of-fucking-course he does, _ he thinks.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He curls his lip before turning away from you. “Whatever. Not like there’s anyone available to stop you since Gottlieb left, but if you get another goddamned concussion I’m  _ really _ killing you.”

ENCYCLOPEDIA - If you got a second concussion, you would die of SIS (Second Impact Syndrome). Your brain would swell up from all the trauma and kill you.

EMPATHY - Despite his cold demeanour, he really does care about you. You mean a lot to him.

YOU - “Jean, why’d you stay behind to watch over me?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He looks a little taken aback before answering, “Because Gottlieb told me to. God, did you lose a few brain cells when you fell?”

DRAMA - Likely story. 

YOU - You shrug and begin to climb the long staircase up to the roof of the precinct, and along the way you wonder how the hell Kim made it up there with an  _ injured leg. _

ENDURANCE - It’s been a full year and your hip  _ still _ twinges when going up stairs.

PAIN THRESHOLD - That and a concussion  _ plus _ a bullet graze to the head… yeesh.

YOU - After taking many breaks to catch your breath, you finally make it to the stop of the stairs and open the heavy door. The biting chill of the night nips at your skin. Your eyes flutter to a close.

SHIVERS - Shhh. Listen. Hear the quiet bustle of Revachol. Listen to the motor carriages and the mirth from the bars. Lean into the sound of crows cawing and the silence of the air. Feel the veins of Jamrock vibrate with the couples having sex, the elderly sleeping, the youth smoking, the workers driving home after a long day.  _ Feel _ it. 

YOU - You take in a deep breath. Your lungs expand, and with them you feel your view expanding, too.

SHIVERS - The lungs of Elysium are breathing. Inhaling the Pale and all that comes with it. The isola you are on breathes. You breathe. Precinct 41 breathes. 

VOLITION - Open your eyes, detective. You’ve got an admirer. 

YOU - You open your eyes to see a bespectacled face looking back at you.

KIM KITSURAGI - He huffs out a breath of smoke and turns back to staring out across the cityscape. 

COMPOSURE - He’s wobbling, a little bit. The left leg of his pants is rolled up, revealing a bandage which is stained a deep red. His fingers twitch as he holds his cigarette. 

VISUAL CALCULUS - There’s a cigarette butt on the ground beneath him already. He’s been smoking for a while.

RHETORIC - Start out with something lighthearted. If you begin with ‘buhhhh Kim im in love with you and im sorryyyyyy’ he’d probably jump off the roof.

YOU - You step towards him. “Smoking without me, Kim? How could you,” you chuckle.

KIM KITSURAGI - He takes another puff. “You were unconscious. I assumed you would be out for longer.”   
  


YOU - “Oh, you know this Infernal Engine never stops,” you muse as you get a little closer. “I’m the patron god of hedonistic practices.”

CONCEPTUALIZATION -  _ Oooh,  _ that’s good.

KIM KITSURAGI - He leans on the railing that is separating him from a 50ft drop into the streets. He closes his eyes and his shoulders drop; He’s preparing himself for the upcoming conversation. 

“I suppose you want some sort of an explanation, don’t you?”

EMPATHY - He’s running on fumes. He’s been fighting against his own feelings for so long.

YOU - You stop once you get within 5 feet of him. “That’d be nice, yeah.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “What would you like to know, detective?”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - What happened in the alleyway?

SUGGESTION - What happened with us?

EMPATHY - Are you okay?

YOU - “So, back in the alleyway..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He seems pleased that you’re asking about the case first. “The family friend-- we found out his name was Farrin Matisse--was informed by Mrs. Gurenstotte that we were coming. Matisse interpreted this as us coming to arrest him, and so,” he pauses to shift his leg to a more comfortable position, “He opened fire.”

YOU - “We get anything out of him?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He shrugs. “McLaine is with him right now. We’ll find out in the morning, most likely.”

YOU - You let the moment sit for a while. The breeze soothes your headache, and you smell smoke from Kim drift towards you. 

“You okay, Kim?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “No, Harry, I’m not.”

DRAMA - He’s telling the truth in the rawest way he can right now.

KIM KITSURAGI - His fists clench and release as he sighs. “I got shot. Jean got shot.  _ You _ got shot,” he lists, turning to face you, “Harry, I.. I was scared. I  _ am _ scared. I’m, I’m..” he professes. 

SHIVERS - The wind picks up.

YOU - You walk over to him and hesitantly drape an arm over him. He rests his head on your shoulder after a second of deliberation. 

“Kim..”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Don’t apologize. If anything, I should be saying sorry,” he murmurs. 

YOU - “What for?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He carefully finds his words for a minute. “I ran away from you. I was a coward. I was trying to protect myself by not.. By not taking any risks, I suppose.”

EMPATHY - You’re a recovering alcoholic slash narcotics user, you’re extremely mentally unstable, you  _ hear voices in your head, _ and you listen to disco music on the regular.  _ You’re  _ ‘risks’. He was scared of giving himself another project, or another person he could be open with, a warm body to sleep next to.. He was scared of getting hurt. Hurt  _ bad. _

LOGIC - He doesn’t think you would do anything to intentionally hurt him. He’s thinking about what  _ he _ would do that would hurt  _ himself and you _ . 

YOU - “Am I a risk you’re willing to take, Kimball?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He elbows you lightly. “I.. I like you a lot, Lieutenant Du Bois.”

YOU - “Pulling out the full titles, huh? Did I break something?”

KIM KITSURAGI - His ears are red. “ _ I’m saying that I would like to.. Engage romantically.. With you, Harry, in the least embarrassing way possible, _ ” he mutters angrily. “Stop making this so.. So..”

YOU - You chuckle and pull him into a hug. He stays still for a moment, before his own arms snake around your waist and hug you back.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Thank you for giving me another chance, detective.”

SUGGESTION - Ask him what will happen now.

YOU - “What happens now?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He pulls away and puts out his cigarette, throwing it to the ground. “I’m going to have to sleep here, I think. I can’t drive like this.”

YOU - You rub gentle circles into his shoulder. He hums at this. “You deserve better than that ratty old couch in the office, Kim.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “What do you propose, then?” he asks, looking up at you. “You’ve got a concussion. You can’t drive, either.”

LOGIC - If you walked back home, you’d surely fall over before getting 20 feet away from the precinct. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - The couch in the corner of the C-Wing is soft and worn from years of officers sleeping on it. You and Jean spent many, many nights there while you were partners. Tonight  _ could be  _ the first time you and Kim would spend the night together. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - The thought excites you.

SUGGESTION - Could you imagine? His body heat mingling with yours, your arms around his torso.. Kissing his forehead and--

YOU - “Guess we’ll be having a sleepover tonight.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He laughs. “Yes. We’ll share ghost stories and play truth or dare.”

YOU - “Yeah, and we’ll giggle our asses off about the other officers until Jean tells us to go to bed.”

KIM KITSURAGI - His shoulders shake. He’s laughing (like, really actually laughing), but very carefully keeping it controlled. 

“Oh, dolores,” he sighs. “This is getting dumb.” 

YOU - “Ready to head down, then?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He nods. “I think so. It’ll be a hassle getting down the stairs, but..” he trails off, limping to and opening the door. 

“Hello, Satellite-Officer Vicquemare.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - You see Jean leaning against a wall further down the stairwell with a lit cigarette in his mouth. He swears and takes it out.

YOU - “Jean? Did you..?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “--Follow you to make sure you didn’t fall and crack your fucking skull open? Yes, I did,” he rolls his eyes, stamping out his smoke, “I didn’t hear anything, if that’s what you’re worried about. Just.. just fucking whatever.”

You watch him storm down the stairs. 

YOU - You share a look with Kim.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Shall we go, then?”

YOU - You nod and help Kim down the flights of stairs that lead to the C-Wing. It takes a little bit, what with him having to go slow, but eventually you make your way past the entrance, through the maze of desks that is your office, by the quiet communications station and the man running it, and finally into a dark and secluded break room with the aforementioned couch in it. 

You let Kim sit down first to untie his boots, and then relax in the other corner of the sofa. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks a little nervous.

“Um, should I, uh..”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s thinking about how unprofessional it would be to have your coworkers find the two of you tangled up in each other’s arms tomorrow morning. 

SUGGESTION - He’s thinking about cuddling already? Oh, he is letting  _ LOOSE. _

YOU - You toe off your shoes and reach out to him. “Come on. It’s not like the others haven’t done this exact thing before.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “They haven’t  _ been in a relationship and done this before,”  _ he hisses to you, trying not to be overheard by the remaining officers.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - A memory resurfaces of you and Jean.

_ You were a fucking beast, _ he remarks to you as he clutches your arm.  _ You were nasty, and horrible, and as terrible as a fucking raging alcoholic could be, but you.. You.. _ he stops. 

_ I’m sorry, Jean. I’m sorry I wasn’t better to you,  _ you apologize.

He looks at you incredulously.  _ You’re fucking unbelieveable,  _ he says, tightening his grip on your bicep but gingerly running the pad of his thumb over it,  _ God, I just.. Nevermind. Never-fucking-mind. Say a word about this to anyone and.. Fuck _ .

YOU - You blink and let the thought go. “Kim, I promise that no one will pay any mind to us.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He takes off his jacket, gloves, and glasses and sets them gently on the arm of the couch before warily settling into your arms.

YOU - You relax and shift to make yourself--and Kim--more comfortable. He sets his head down on your chest and lets out a tiny sigh. 

SUGGESTION - How could you  _ not _ be head-over-heels in love with him?

VOLITION - You’re literally 5 minutes into being maybe-official. Calm down.

LOGIC (Failure) - Are we official?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - He  _ did _ just say you were in a relationship, which  _ I  _ for one think is pretty indicative of you two being an item.

RHETORIC - ‘Relationship’ means many things. Ask him when you have the time and aren’t actively cuddling what exactly he considers you to be.

YOU - You feel his soft skin on yours, and your heartbeat quickens. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “You’re nervous,” he observes.

YOU - “In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t experienced this in a very long time.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He absentmindedly plays with the collar of your shirt. “Me neither,” he nearly whispers. 

PERCEPTION - You can feel his own pulse beating just as fast as yours. 

YOU - “Well, it feels nice.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes,” he says, “I think I could get used to this.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Dolores Dei he’s gonna do this more than once. He likes us. He wants to sleep with us. 

SUGGESTION - See? What’d I tell you! He’s  _ infatuated. _

YOU - You press a small kiss to his head and close your eyes. “I don’t wanna work tomorrow.”

KIM KISTURAGI - “It’s not like we have much of a choice. We can just talk to Matisse and see what we can get out of him, anyways.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ We had better find something out, _ he thinks,  _ and it better wrap up this damn case. _

KIM KITSURAGI - His hand moves from your collar to your pectorals. “It’s Friday tomorrow, though. After that we’ll have the weekend to recover.”

YOU - You begin to feel yourself drift into your subconsciousness. Kim’s breaths fade away as you withdraw from reality and return to the darkness of your mind.

\--

_ Oh my love _

_ My sweet, my beloved _

_ How can I tell you the truth?  _ (Go to bed, you’re drunk)

_ How might I tell you _

_ That the world is going to end, _

_ And that you will burn away  _ (Please stop, you’re scaring me)

_ That our arms and hands will turn to dust _

_ That my eyes will melt as they look into yours _

_ And our hearts will be no more?  _ (Go to fucking sleep)

_ How can I tell you? _

_ How can I tell you what will happen to us? _

_ Look in the mirror _

_ Look at your glowing skin and your thin fingers, your golden locks and sparkling eyes _

_ And tell me how I should let that be thrown away.  _

(You  _ have _ thrown it away.)

(Goodbye, Harry.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! shorter chapter this time around! sorry for no art at the end. 
> 
> please excuse me if it takes a little longer to post chapters. i'm currently dealing with adjusting to a new dose for my medication along with recent family deaths. 
> 
> thank you all for the kudos and comments! love you guys orz


	5. Where to go, what to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of healing and getting together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from Somebody Super Like You by the Undead and the song playing from Chester's radio is Upholstery by the Beach Bums! :)

CHESTER’S RADIO -  _ I finally lost control and tore my tuck-n-roll upholstery _

_ Where my baby sits up close to me _

_ That's supposed to be _

_ What our life is all about _

_ Upholstery _

_ Where my baby sits up close to me _

_ That's supposed to be _

_ What our life is all about… _

YOU - You sit up and rub your eyes. The room you’re in is startlingly bright, and you feel the lights burn into your retinas. You’re still on the break room couch, yet Kim is nowhere to be seen; He must have gotten up before you.

You look to your right and see your coworkers slowly trickle in. Daylight has just begun to shine through the blinds of the office windows. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Come on, soldier. Get some coffee and spring into action! 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - It’d be greatly appreciated if you did.

YOU - You get up and put on your previously discarded shoes before heading out into the main office. Kim is sitting at his desk. There are two cups of coffee in front of him as he writes something in his notebook.

KIM KITSURAGI - He doesn’t look up as you sit down, instead pushing the second mug towards you and continuing to write down case notes.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s been awake for a while and working hard on catching up with his daily workload.

YOU - “‘Morning, Kim.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Good morning, detective.”

SUGGESTION - That’s it?

YOU - “So…?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “I decided to let you sleep in for a little bit,” he explains, “You seemed comfortable.”

LOGIC - He also wanted to get an early start so that no one would see him cuddling with you. You both know how crass a bunch of middle-aged heterosexual white men can be.

YOU - You take a sip of the coffee Kim got for you and feel the caffeine begin to wake you up. “So what’d Farrin have to say? An apology, maybe?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “I don’t know,” he answers, quickly writing one last sentence in his notes and putting his pen down, “According to officer McClaine, he simply sat in the holding cell and yelled obscenities.”

AUTHORITY - If  _ you _ were there, he would’ve been silent all night.

SUGGESTION - You were too busy nursing two head injuries and being sweet on Kim, though.

PAIN THRESHOLD - Speaking of, your head hurts like hell. Better go see if Gottlieb’s got some painkillers.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY -  _ And _ see if he’s got anything else, if you know what I mean.

VOLITION - You’ve been lectured enough about your past trespasses to not even want to  _ think _ about stealing from the lazareth again. 

COMPOSURE - Kim must be in pain, too. He’s clenching his jaw and gripping the edge of the desk.

KIM KITSURAGI - “If it’s alright, I would like to stop by the lazareth’s office before we interrogate the suspect. I believe both of us need our dressings replaced.”

He begins to stand up when his eyes shut in pain.

LOGIC - You better help him walk today. A bullet to the leg takes a while to heal.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - Thankfully, he was specifically shot in his fibularis brevis. Muscle heals faster than nerves or arteries.

YOU - You walk to his side and help him stand up. He grabs your arm for support and sighs when he fully gets out of his seat.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..My apologies, detective. I’m afraid I won’t be very mobile today.”

YOU - You shrug. “It’s okay. I can carry you if you want,” you wink. “Do you prefer piggyback or bridal style?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He gives you a wry smile. “Absolutely not. Just don’t jog all over the place and I’ll be fine.”

YOU - You set off--slowly--down the stairs to Nix’s office. Occasionally, the lieutenant will put a hand on your shoulder for balance. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You’d never admit it to him, but you  _ really _ like it when he touches you. Even when it’s for something like preventing himself from falling down three flights of stairs. 

NIX GOTTLIEB - You get to the first floor of the precinct and head to your destination. 

Through the white double-doors, you see Dr. Gottlieb himself washing his hands in the sink next to his desk. He notices you and straightens his back, saying, “Ah! Kitsuragi and Du Bois. I’m glad you finally came back.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “We had a bit of difficulty getting down here, I’m afraid.”

NIX GOTTLIEB - “I bet. You’re going to need some drouamine if you expect to work today. Come, sit down,” he instructs, heading to a cabinet behind you to get fresh gauze. “When you’re both done here, I’ll give you some bandages to take home. I trust that you won’t want to run to me every few hours.” 

YOU - Kim sits down and you lean against the counter next to him. He looks calm, and you can sense relief in him.

PERCEPTION - The exposed skin of his calf is pale. He doesn’t seem to have much body hair.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - This isn’t the first time you’ve thought about how the rest of him must look.

EMPATHY - He’s a little anxious about the pain that comes with getting a wound cleaned. 

YOU - You place a hand on his back. He raises his eyebrow at you.

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ I appreciate your support, _ he’s thinking.  _ I’ll be fine, though. _

SUGGESTION - Keep your hand there. He’ll want it.

NIX GOTTLIEB - “You know, if it were up to  _ me, _ you’d be at home resting for a few days,” he starts as he unwraps Kim’s soaked bandages, “But you officers never cease the Jamrock Shuffle, eh?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “We’re just going to interrogate a suspect. We’ll be sure to take it easy for the rest of today, doctor.”

EMPATHY - He doesn’t really mean what he says. He’s itching to be productive in some way or another. 

SUGGESTION - You wouldn’t really mind taking Kim home and making sure he took a break from work. Of course, that would mean going to Kim’s house, and possibly staying with him, and..

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - ..You want that more than any drug or booze in all of Elysium.

VOLITION - Oh shut it, you. You’ve barely been maybe-dating for 12 hours. 

LOGIC - You’ve been fantasizing for  _ way _ longer, though. And for all you know, Kim has too. It’s best to  _ not _ imagine.. cuddling.. with the lieutenant right now.

NIX GOTTLIEB - “Your turn, Harrier.”

YOU - You snap to attention and realize that Nix has already finished with your partner’s treatment. He’s now standing near the doorway, waiting for you.

You sit down and grimace a little from the sudden movement. 

NIX GOTTLIEB - Gentle and controlled hands are now at your temple, taking off the large bandage and getting hydrogen peroxide ready to clean it. 

ENDURANCE - Get ready for this one.

PAIN THRESHOLD - The sudden sting of antiseptic makes your eyes water. 

NIX GOTTLIEB - “You know, you’re  _ really _ lucky that you basically got a scratch from that bullet. Had that kid aimed any better you’d be a floor down in the morgue,” he joked.

YOU - You hum in response.

INLAND EMPIRE - A tie on the ceiling fan. A fearful recount over the radio from an ex-bartender. A lost gun.

These memories have not completely left you.

LOGIC - You’ve been making an effort to actually attend therapy and take your medication. You’ll be fine. You  _ are _ fine.

INLAND EMPIRE - Are you?

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You forgot to take your medication yesterday.

VOLITION - You’ll be okay. Just remember to take it tonight. 

YOU - You blink twice and regain awareness of your surroundings. Gottlieb is putting the finishing touches on your graze and takes a step back to admire his work.

NIX GOTTLIEB - He gives you a small smile and turns to gather a few rolls of gauze and some packets of painkillers.

YOU - You get up, stretching a little as you do so and you walk over to Kim. He addresses you with a short nod.

NIX GOTTLIEB - The lazareth hands you an assortment of items which you promptly stuff into your pockets.

“Be sure to come back if you need anything else, alright? And stay off that leg, Kitsuragi. I don’t want you undoing all my hard work,” he chuckles, “Stay safe.”

YOU - The two of you say your goodbyes to him and walk out of the office. In the hallway, Kim leans close to you.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Are you alright, detective? You seemed a little distracted,” he asks.

YOU - “More distracted than usual, you mean?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He studies your eyes for a moment before shaking his head. “Nevermind,” he says, limping forwards, “We should get to the holding cells.”

EMPATHY - He knows the look you get when you start thinking about  _ deep shit _ . After a whole year together, he’s seen enough to recognize when you’re at your highs and your lows.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - And yet he pushes on. He believes in your ability to keep it together and focus on the investigation.

VOLITION - You hope for both of your sakes that he’s right.

\---

FARRIN MATISSE - “The hell do  _ you two _ want?”

YOU - The walk here was slow, but you’ve finally made it across the building to the holding cells. Your pale, lanky, wiry-haired assailant is glowering at you as you deliberate on how to approach this.

RHETORIC - He’s angry, confused, and upset, just as any arrested dealer would be. Start out understanding and escalate if need be.

AUTHORITY - Show him who holds power here. 

HALF-LIGHT - We’ll be with you every step of the way.

YOU - “So. Farrin.”

FARRIN MATISSE - He gives you another dirty look.

KIM KITSURAGI - “We were informed by one of your clients that you were in contact with multiple members of her family before they died.”

COMPOSURE - A flash of anger. Balled-up fists and hunched shoulders.

FARRIN MATISSE - “You mean that bitch Lorena? Yeah, she told me you guys were coming. She said she was getting her  _ sweet fucking justice _ or whatever.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He gets out his notebook and begins to write.

YOU - “Justice for what?”

FARRIN MATISSE - He narrows his eyes. “You really are dumb, huh? She thinks I killed her kids.”

YOU - “I mean.. Did you?”

FARRIN MATISSE - “Do I look like a fucking murderer to you?! Hell no, I didn’t. I haven’t even seen any of them since last month.”

YOU - You and Kim share a look.

DRAMA - He’s telling the truth, sire. 

YOU - “When was the last time you saw them?”

FARRIN MATISSE - He purses his lips in thought. “Uhh.. like, March 17th, I think. Me and one of her kids got in a fight over prices. He didn’t wanna pay up because he’s been a ‘loyal customer’ for so long or some shit like that. They’re fucking loaded though, so I don’t get why he was being so stingy.”

RHETORIC - Like a dragon hoarding its gold.

LOGIC - If the victims didn’t see  _ him, _ then who did they go out to see?

KIM KITSURAGI - “Have you seen her daughters Yvonne or Yennifer at all?”

FARRIN MATISSE - “What’d I just tell you? Of course I haven’t.”

LOGIC - If the sisters went with each victim to see Farrin, but he didn’t see  _ them… _

INLAND EMPIRE - This feels a lot simpler than it should be.

AUTHORITY - Push him a little harder. There’s more that he isn’t telling us.

YOU - “What’s your view on politics, Farrin?”

KIM KITSURAGI - You hear Kim sigh behind you.

FARRIN MATISSE - He seems off-put by this. “Uhh.. I mean, I believe in, like, the redistribution of wealth and shit. And I fuckin’ hate those Moralintern sons-of-bitches.”

YOU - “Would you consider yourself a  _ communard, _ perhaps?” you smile.

FARRIN MATISSE - “What the hell are you trying to do?”

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant interrupts before you can go on. “What I  _ believe _ my partner is  _ trying to ask _ here is what your views on Lorena’s family would be.”

FARRIN MATISSE - He rolls his eyes. “Ugh. I mean, I hate that they’re rich as hell and that half of them are fascists, but it’s fucking whatever. I get to overcharge them on weed, they get to lounge around and do nothing but get high while profiting off of the exploitation of the poor; we all win.”

YOU - “Which side of the family do you like better? Cantillon or Gurenstotte?”

FARRIN MATISSE - “Gurenstotte..? I don’t know. Yennifer was pretty cool. Her and her sister were, like, the most radical fucking people in that entire family.”

LOGIC - Political motive.. No contact with Farrin.. The victims were last seen with the sisters…

YOU - “Farrin, I think someone’s been trying to frame you.”

KIM KITSURAGI - You see Kim tilt his head in brief confusion.

FARRIN MATISSE - “Fuckin’ course. I may sell people dangerous amounts of drugs, but, like, I wouldn’t  _ kill _ anyone.”

EMPATHY - You look into his pallid face and see tiredness. There are creases at the corners of his mouth and on his forehead, adding years to his otherwise youthful build. He’s angry at Lorena. He’s angry at you. He wishes things were back to how they used to be before this whole mess.

DRAMA - This is not a man who wants blood on his hands.

YOU - You turn to Kim. “Are we done here?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks down at his notebook, scanning the information one last time before closing it. “I believe so, detective.”

FARRIN MATISSE - “So, uhh..”

YOU - You both look at him.

FARRIN MATISSE - “Do I get to go now?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “You shot three officers of the RCM and admitted to various felonies. I’m afraid you’re going to stay here for a little longer.”

FARRIN MATISSE - He looks down. “Right, right.. Okay.”

RHETORIC - You can’t help but feel bad. Sure, he shot you and your friends, but he thought you were going to stop his hustle, his protest against the  _ rich man… _

KIM KITSURAGI - You feel a hand tugging you away from the cell room. 

“Well, detective, I believe an interview with the sisters is in order,” he starts as you walk out, “But first I think we should perhaps get a change of clothing.”

YOU - You furrow your brows and sniff your underarms.

PERCEPTION - Oh dolores. You  _ really _ need to wash this blazer.

YOU - “..You can smell me from over there..?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He sighs. “No. I mean that I would like to wear clothes that I  _ haven’t _ been wearing for the past 24 hours.”

DRAMA - I think you should know that he  _ can _ smell you from his current position, but it’s not as concentrated as it is in your armpits.

YOU - “I guess we’ve gotta drive to our places, huh?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He pauses to think. “..I can definitely drive.”

DRAMA - No, he definitely  _ can’t _ .

YOU - “Kim..”

KIM KITSURAGI - “I don’t even  _ need _ to use my left leg. I’m not letting you drive my MC,” he states, setting off at a brisk limp down the hallway.

YOU - “How many floors up is your apartment again?” you ask, stepping in front of him and stopping him in his tracks.

KIM KITSURAGI - He glares at you and narrows his eyes.

EMPATHY - He’s letting his pride get in the way.

YOU - “Kim, I know you love your Kineema very,  _ very _ much, but seeing as you live on the other side of town…”

KIM KITSURAGI - His expression softens. “Fine. Fine. But..”

YOU - You place a hand on his shoulder. “I know. I promise she’ll be fine. I mean, I passed my driver’s test for the second time, didn’t I?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “...Yes. Yes, you did. Just..  _ please _ be careful,” he pleads, placing a hand on yours. “Please.”

AUTHORITY - He’s yielding--for now. Nonetheless, good work.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s wondering how you even managed to convince him to do this. 

YOU - The journey from one side of the precinct to the other goes quicker than before. Having taken painkillers previously at the lazareth’s, Kim needed fewer breaks from walking and the bright lights on the ceiling pierced your eyes less.

Finally, you arrive at the station garage. The Kineema is sitting pretty on the right end of it and the engine shines in the sunlight. Kim’s eyes grow fond as he looks at it.

COUPRIS KINEEMA - The soft leather of the driver’s seat is unfamiliar to you and worn in the shape of the lieutenant. The steering wheel is cool under your hands.

_ Treat me like you’d treat your badge, _ she seems to say.

VOLITION - Translation: Treat her like she’s the most valuable thing you own and like you would literally be killed by every single member of Precinct 41 if you lost her.

KIM KITSURAGI - He uneasily sits down in one of the two passenger seats. 

YOU - You back out of the garage effortlessly and turn down the street towards your home. 

INTERFACING - Despite your fears, you make it to Central Jamrock without incident. The clutch control feels like it molds to your right hand, and the engine purrs happily as you traverse the streets.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Of course, you can’t drive without a fitting soundtrack. So you put on your favorite disco station.

PERCEPTION - You make out the sound of Kim grumbling over your blasting of the radio and off-key singing. 

YOU - “I don’t get how you don’t love this stuff,” you say, raising your voice above the synth-infused melodies of DiscoFM, “I mean, it’s perfect driving music!”

KIM KITSURAGI - He clears his throat in mild annoyance.

SHIVERS - A breeze flies in from the rolled-down window beside you. 

This breeze has travelled a long way to get here. It came from Revachol East, from chartreuse fields dotted with honey-yellow blossoms, and journeyed through Stella Maris and its streets saturated with history. It glided by Saint-Batiste and carried with it the scents of glory and sweat, and finally arrived at Grand Couron. It brushed by the skyscrapers and gilded buildings, passed briefly by Boogie Street with all of its eccentricities, and ultimately came here, to Central Jamrock, to grace you with its itinerary. 

Lady Revachol’s fingers card through your umber hair. She is kind, and she is caring--for now.

YOU - In due time you arrive outside of your apartment. You park the motor carriage carefully and open the door to get out. 

SUGGESTION - Maybe Kim would like to come in for a bit?

YOU - You look back at your partner. He shakes his head.

EMPATHY - He’s tired. Not today.

YOU - The climb up to your home is steep. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You silently thank yourself for being a gym teacher all those years ago and instilling values of self-regiments and cardio.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - At last, you find yourself in front of your small closet, wondering what you should wear.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Wear something loose-fitting and comfortable. You never know when you’re going to need to do parkour.

LOGIC - All you’re doing is hanging out with Kim and tracking down a few suspects today, so there’s no need to wear something fancy.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Hey, you know those jeans you have? The  _ godly _ ones that make your ass look like angels themselves molded it to perfection?

AUTHORITY - Wear your uniform. Present as an officer of the law  _ should. _

YOU - That’s… a lot of options.

VOLITION - Better choose quick and not keep Kim waiting.

YOU - Here goes nothing..?

CONCEPTUALIZATION (Failure) - You grab your all-mighty FUCK THE WORLD jacket, a white dress shirt, your beloved Horrific Necktie, and your lieutenant’s dress pants. 

VOLITION - This is bad.

LOGIC - But when has any other outfit of yours looked better?

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Your clothes blend in a strange harmony of right and wrong, of muses and poets, of dairy products and the stomach lining of a lactose intolerant person. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And yet, despite this, you make it  _ work. _

KIM KITSURAGI - As you descend the final steps of the stairs leading to the ground and make your way towards the Kineema, you can see that Kim does not share this sentiment. His expression goes from mild boredom, to confusion, to slight horror, and back to his usual poker face as you step into the MC.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You are the sexiest motherfucker on Elysium right now and you won’t let anyone take that away from you.

LOGIC - Actually, you look like a trainwreck of an RCM officer. But you’re used to it. It’s your  _ thing. _

KIM KITSURAGI - He coughs. “Detective, have you ever driven to my home?” he asks.

EMPATHY - It’s a useless question. He knows that he’s your primary source of transportation. He’s just trying to open up the conversation to tell you how to get to his place.

YOU - “Can’t say that I have. I’m guessing that you’re gonna tell me how to get there?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Precisely. You’re going to want to take a left at the end of this street,” he begins…

\---

  
  


INTERFACING - You follow your partner’s directions as carefully as possible, even having a few close calls here and there where you almost missed an exit or had to perform a U-Turn. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective--!” 

INTERFACING - A motor carriage speeds through a red light and nearly crashes into you, but you swerve at the last second and avoid murdering Kim’s precious MC. 

YOU - You try to continue down your route, albeit a bit shell-shocked, and ask, “Should--Should we arrest that guy? Chase after him and all that?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes. Turn around and follow him.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Even though his calm voice masks it, he’s seething. That asshole almost killed his car and he is  _ not _ going to let him off easy. Plus, you may have a DUI case on your hands, and you’re on-duty.

YOU - The Kineema races down the road and makes a right at the end of the block. You then make another right, and then swerve left as you enter the street you saw the offender drive down. 

PERCEPTION - You remember their car being a dark grey. You scan the street, on the lookout for an MC fitting your fleeting memory of it..

KIM KITSURAGI - “There! On the left!”

YOU - You hear a loud crash and turn the car to face where the lieutenant is pointing when you see it; a motor carriage halfway on the sidewalk with one door open and the other on the ground behind it. The front of it has been crumpled. Another motor carriage, which the former most likely crashed into, sits helplessly in the middle of the street.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I’ll handle the paperwork. You work with the suspect,” he says as he gets out of the Kineema and pulls out his ledger in all of its brightly-colored-paper glory.

YOU - You approach the car and see a clearly inebriated driver crawl out. Thankfully, he’s relatively unscathed.

SPEED FREAK - “Fuck… dude, what the fuck..”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - This guy’s high. Take caution-- or ask him if he has any leftovers.

YOU - “Excuse me, sir, but are you alright?”

SPEED FREAK - He gets up and brushes off his front. “Yeah, yeah, uhh... fuck. Where am I?”

YOU - “Are you aware that you were speeding, almost crashed into an RCM vehicle, and almost killed three people?”

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim is checking in with the hurt driver as you talk with the speedster.

VISUAL CALCULUS - Judging by the amount of damage dealt to both cars, you can safely say that the sudden turn diminished its momentum greatly. It wasn’t going  _ nearly  _ as fast as it was when it almost hit you. 

SPEED FREAK - “Aw, dude.. Fuck.. Uh.. shit..”

AUTHORITY - He isn’t going to give you a straight answer unless you threaten him.

EMPATHY - He’s  _ high. _ That could freak him out. Address him calmly.

YOU - You hazard placing your hand on the shoulder of his tailored suit. “Sir, are you aware of where you are right now?”

SPEED FREAK - “Uh… dude, my car.. Aw man…”

YOU - “Yes. Your car. You almost  _ killed _ three people with it.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Somewhere in the recesses of your mind, a memory lingers of your previous partner speaking to you in the same way. Calm, cold, worried, angry. Wanting to get through the fog of drugs and into your volatile mind.

SPEED FREAK - “Dude.. um.. I’m sorry… fuck, man. Shit.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Khm. Detective, if I may?”

YOU - You snap out of your haze and look back at your partner. He’s waiting patiently for you to step back and let him take control.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I’ll take it from here. You report this to the precinct.”

YOU - “Right, right.”

You walk back to the Kineema, and after a brief conversation with Jules, you’re sat alone with your thoughts. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - That could’ve been you, you know.

YOU - Huh?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Look at the 20-something party boy that Kim is currently talking to.  _ Look _ at him-- coked out of his mind, crashed his car, looks like shit, probably has no one to go home to; that could be you. It  _ was _ you.

YOU - I gave that life up. I’m  _ not _ going to take god-knows-what just to please you.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Kitty’s got  _ claws, _ huh? You’ll see. Party planet misses its God-King.

VOLITION - You’ve been doing well. Don’t worry about the nonsense he’s spewing. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Don’t you miss at least a  _ tiny _ part of it? Having wild adventures while under the influence, one-night-stands, winning drinking games and proving your worth as an alcoholic, escaping into the sweet, sweet world of amphetamines…

YOU - I mean, a little, but..

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - What did one little drink do to hurt anybody, huh?

VOLITION - No. Just no. Don’t listen to him.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Think about how disappointed everyone would be in you.

RHETORIC - Think about the joy that comes with proving people  _ wrong. _

SUGGESTION - Think about how Kim would feel if he found you black-out drunk.

YOU - I.. don’t want to think about this anymore.

The thought is waved away by your partner’s comforting presence reentering the vehicle.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I issued him a fine and a notice to appear at the precinct within the month. I trust that you reported this to the station?”

YOU - “Yeah,” you confirm, shifting in your seat and getting ready to start driving again, “We ready to go?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He takes one last glance at the wrecked car and grimaces. “Seeing as there’s not much more we can do here, I suppose so, yes.”

YOU - The rest of the ride to Kim’s residence is smooth and quiet. You’re both a bit shaken by the near-death experience, and you’re also still reeling from thinking about relapsing again. Thankfully, Kim’s consistent directions distract you from most of your negative thoughts.

Soon enough, you’re parked outside of a large brick building. You wonder which of the windows along the sides belong to Kim.

KIM KITSURAGI - He leads you up two floors and soon enough you’re outside of his door, waiting for him to unlock it.

A click. A turn of the knob. The door opens. A lightswitch is flicked. “Come in if you’d like, detective. I’ll only be a moment.”

YOU - You step in. The apartment is relatively bare; The walls are an off-white, and the main room you are greeted with is a small living room with a couch, a radio, a coffee table and a red oval rug.

You look down the hallway Kim has retreated down and see doors that you presume lead to his bedroom and a bathroom, as well as a semi-open kitchen area. There is a houseplant on the windowsill next to the kitchen sink.

LOGIC - This space fits Kim especially well.

PERCEPTION - There are a few books on the coffee table. Go see what he likes to read.

YOU - You pick up the first book that catches your eye and find it to be a Coupris-issued instruction manual on how to care for their Kineema model. The pages are worn at the edges, and the cover has the hint of a coffee stain on it. 

INTERFACING - You imagine that Kim pours many, many hours into reading and re-reading this book, making sure that he’s doing everything right.

YOU - The second book you see seems to be a historical fiction novel about the exploits of an airship pilot sometime after the revolution.

INLAND EMPIRE - This book feels sad. It feels like horror and reality and dreams and love, all at once.

YOU - You look at the last book on the table, but can’t properly read it before Kim emerges from his bedroom, distracting you.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I don’t usually read much fiction. It just.. caught my eye,” he admits when he sees you holding his reading material. 

He’s wearing a black v-neck t-shirt, his regular bomber jacket, and tan cargo pants. It’s not as much of a difference from his regular attire as  _ your _ clothing is, but dear god, he looks..

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Hot, as usual.

SUGGESTION - You’ve  _ gotta _ compliment him.

LOGIC - All he did was change his shirt and pants to slightly-different-looking versions. Relax. Ask him about his reading habits instead.

YOU - “You have any other books, or is this it?” you ask, looking him up and down one last time.

KIM KITSURAGI - He takes a step towards you. “No. I have more in my bedroom,” he explains, “I like that one. It’s well written, and hasn’t been exploited into a franchise with 20 sequels, unlike… some books.”

EMPATHY - He means Hjelmdall. Also Dick Mullen, but mostly Hjelmdall.

INLAND EMPIRE - Try reading it.

YOU - You put down the Coupris manual and flip to a random page in the historical fiction novel.

THE ADVENTURES AND DOWNFALLS OF CAPTAIN JOHN HAWKINS, AIRSHIP PILOT EXTRAORDINAIRE AND HERO - --and when I arose, my love awaited me, in all his naked glory, and he embraced me, and from where I was laid bare for him, I once again was on t--

KIM KITSURAGI - He snatches the book from your hands the second he realizes what part you were reading. 

“Khm. That is merely an intermission in the book that you accidentally found, I’m afraid.”

DRAMA (Failure) - You can’t tell if that’s the truth or not. For all you know, the whole book could be smut.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You make a mental note to look for  _ The Adventures and Downfalls of Captain John Hawkins, Airship Pilot Extraordinaire and Hero _ next time you’re in a bookstore.

EMPATHY - Kim is  _ incredibly _ embarrassed right now. Don’t make this any worse than it has to be.

KIM KITSURAGI - You can see the tips of his ears pinken as he takes a step back, clutching the book to his chest like it’s a matter of life or death.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Or you could, y’know, seduce him.

YOU - Seduce…  _ Kim? _

SUGGESTION (Failure) - Oh yeah, he’s totally in the mood right now.

YOU - You approach him and say, “Y’know, Kim, I was actually reading something there, if you don’t mind..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He takes another step back. “Detective, we are still on-duty. I am  _ not  _ going to let you read glorified porn on the clock and  _ in my apartment.” _

YOU - You keep walking towards him. “I didn’t know that  _ you _ of all people would be interested in that genre, you know. Not that I have a problem with it! I don’t care what you read in your free time.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He places the book on the kitchen counter behind him and continues to keep the distance between you. There is a firm glare on his face aimed directly at you. 

SUGGESTION (Failure) - Yes! Keep going! 

YOU - You continue until he’s nearly flush against the wall. “I mean, you’re, like, the coolest guy I’ve ever met. And I thought,  _ y’know, what’s Mr. Cool doing with a book like this?  _ And honestly, I--”

KIM KITSUARGI - He’s had enough.

REACTION SPEED (Failure) - Uh oh.

KIM KITSURAGI - In one swift motion, your partner grabs you by the shoulders and flips positions with you. His face is inches from yours as you collide with the wall.

“Officer, must I remind you that we are _investigating a murder right now?_ _And that you’re a guest in my home?”_

AUTHORITY (Failure) - Um.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - OHHHH YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH BABYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VOLITION - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

YOU - You can’t help but blush and give him a weak smile. “Aha. Um, I don’t think I.. um. I-I think I made a mistake.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes. You did.” he angrily mutters, his grip on you still tight as ever.

YOU - You look at his mouth. “Well then.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Well then indeed.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - The tension is  _ killing _ me. You’re killing me, Harry. I’m dead. I’ve died.

VOLITION - Thank Dolores for that..

SUGGESTION - Test the waters. See if he’s not too angry to have a good time.

YOU - “So, uhh… kiss any hot dudes recently?”

SUGGESTION - …

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - …

EMPATHY - …

ESPRIT DE CORPS - …

SAVOIR FAIRE - …

VOLITION - …

LOGIC - ... You are the worst. You. are.  _ The. Worst. _

KIM KITSURAGI - His brow furrows in confusion. He’s trying to figure out if that was genuine or some sort of fucked-up joke that only someone like  _ you _ would tell. No, scratch that, that IS a joke that  _ only you, specifically, would tell. _

Unexpectedly, he begins to laugh. “Harry, you really frustrate me to no end.”

SUGGESTION - ...He said your name.

EMPATHY - This entire situation is way too absurd for his liking. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “You--” he pauses, chuckling, “God. You’re.. You’re…”

YOU - “Did I win? Have I absolved myself? Are we good now?”

KIM KITSURAGI - His hands move from a vice grip on either side of you to resting on your chest. 

“For invading my privacy and talking openly about sexual matters during work hours? No.”

YOU - “Oh. Right. Sorry about that. I was, um..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He raises an eyebrow.

YOU - “..I was trying to flirt,” you mumble. You feel shame creep up on your cheeks.

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks into your eyes. His own are full of shy fondness. “In that case, you’re the worst flirt I’ve ever met.”

EMPATHY - He hopes that you never do that ever again.

VOLITION -  _ We  _ also hope that you never do that again.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..You’re also very lucky that you are, in fact, technically a ‘hot dude’ that I have kissed.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - He called you hot! He called you hot!!!

YOU - You tentatively place your hands on his sides. “Could I get a second chance, then?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry…”

YOU - You begin to lean in.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..This isn’t how an officer should act, especially during work hours,” he murmurs, fingers now tracing your spine.

YOU - “You’re sending me some very mixed signals here, Lieutenant.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He huffs out a laugh before meeting you halfway.

YOU - His lips are soft and taste like sweetened coffee. It’s definitely not like your first kiss together; despite chasteness still being a factor, there’s passion behind it.

KIM KITSURAGI - He pulls away. “We shouldn’t be doing this,” he says, smiling, “We have to talk to the Gurenstotte family..”

RHETORIC - It’s Friday. He’s under orders to rest. Who said he needed to solve the case  _ today? _

YOU - You press another kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Ever heard of Casual Friday, Kim?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He laughs and kisses you again, but this time he’s moving slower, more deliberately, and leaning into you. “Maybe I have. Maybe I haven’t,” he utters, feeling up your back, “It depends.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s trying to decide if this is worth it. 

EMPATHY - But he  _ does _ want this, in the end.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - He wants  _ you, _ in all of your fucked-up glory.

YOU - You press in, a tad more aggressive this time as you lightly bite his lower lip. He groans and moves to unbutton your shirt. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You’re already getting a little hard. You slide your thigh up between Kim’s legs, and--

KIM KITSURAGI - “Mm. No, not today.”

YOU - “Why?” you whine, retracting your leg immediately. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “I don’t think I’m ready for that quite yet, if that’s alright,” he explains, giving you an apologetic smile, “But we can still have fun in other ways.”

YOU - You get back to making out with him instead, undeterred by this, and work on getting his jacket off. His arms are warm, and although they’re a bit smaller than yours, you can still feel firm muscle underneath his soft skin. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He pulls on your waist, having completely undone your shirt and tie, and starts to lead you to the couch. 

SUGGESTION - You follow him, of course, and shrug off your jacket and shirt before pinning him down on the sofa. He’s truly letting go; strands of his usually combed-back hair have fallen in his face, his glasses have fallen down the bridge of his nose, and there’s saliva running down the corners of his lips. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION - If it was up to you, you’d declare him an Innocence right here and now.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Getting second thoughts, detective?”

YOU - You can’t help but keep staring at him. “You’re the coolest, most handsome person I have ever met.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He averts his gaze. “I-I, um.. Thank you,” he mutters shyly.

YOU - “I mean it,” you say, leaving a trail of small kisses down his neck, “God, I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Please don’t leave any visible marks,” he breathes, “ _ Fuck,  _ Harry--”

YOU - You bite gently above his collar, and he grabs a fistful of your hair and pulls.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - This is, like, the  _ hottest _ thing we’ve ever done. Ever.

KIM KITSURAGI - He tugs you away from his chest and cups your face in his hands. “Detective..” he whispers, “I think I’ve done a little too much walking for today.”

YOU - You brush your lips against his for one last time before backing off and rolling up the left leg of his pants. Sure enough, a deep red stain permeates the tightly wrapped gauze, and you grimace at the sight of it.

“How long has this been bothering you?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “It started feeling uncomfortable when we got here, I think,” he expresses, adjusting his position so that he’s sitting up.

YOU - You dig out some of the supplies that the lazareth had given you this morning and look worriedly at his calf and then at him. “Should we do this here, or..?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He thinks for a moment. “I think the bedroom would be best.”

YOU - You nod and stand up, holding out your hand for Kim to grab. He takes it, and together the two of you proceed to his room.

It’s a bit small, but charming. A few bookshelves line the walls, and there’s a poster hanging next to his bed of a map of Revachol. Kim sits on the bed while you kneel down in front of him, and begin the process of treating his gunshot wound.

HAND-EYE COORDINATION - Your hands shake a little from your previous rush of adrenaline, but otherwise you work efficiently and carefully.

YOU - Midway through the process, you look up at Kim.

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s looking down at you, expression calm and relaxed. His hair and clothing are still a bit mussed, but he seems unbothered by this. 

INLAND EMPIRE - Looking up at him like this.. The position you’re in.. it reminds you of a time long past.

YOU - Does it?

INLAND EMPIRE - Don’t you see?

YOU - As you marvel at Kim, for a second it feels like something around him is moving. It’s as if something is clawing out from his form, digging through your subconscious in an attempt to make you remember  _ something. _

INLAND EMPIRE - Just like your dreams. Something dark. Something painful.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..Is something wrong?”

YOU - You blink and the apparitions are gone. 

“I’m fine. Sorry. I got distracted, I guess.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “It’s alright.”

YOU - You finish up your handiwork and stand, once again offering a hand to support Kim. He shakes his head and gestures for you to sit with him.

SUGGESTION - Is he..?

YOU - You cautiously sit down beside him, and he softly pushes you down on the bed.

KIM KITSURAGI - He gives you a small kiss before taking off his glasses and laying his head on your bare chest. “I need to rest for a bit, and no officer should confront a suspect alone. This is perfectly reasonable,” he affirms, “And I’m sure you don’t mind.”

EMPATHY - He’s saying this less for you and more for himself, to justify in his mind why he’s taking a nap with another officer when he could be working.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He isn’t lying, though; were it not for the painkillers, he wouldn’t be able to stand, much less walk anywhere. As it is, he really does need some rest, and this is the perfect way to get it.

YOU - You place a hand on his back and hold him close as you close your eyes. 

All is well. 

\---

_ Place your hand on your heart _

_ And swear to me _

_ That you’ll never leave, _

_ Swear to me that you will stay _

_ Til my dying breath _

_ And follow me into death. _

_ Promise me this, _

_ Promise this one little thing _

_ And I will let you go. _

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW long chapter to make up for the shortness of the last one! my god this was a monster. i hope u all enjoyed!! thank u all for being patient and for the nice comments<33 orz Y_Y


	6. Old emotions may they rest in peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprising event sets Kim and Harry back in the case. They recover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from Faust by william finley!

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “T-t-t-they’re missing.”

YOU - “What? Where’d they go?”

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - “I don’t know! I don’t-- I--  _ shit..” _

The woman sobs into the other end of the buzzer. 

EMPATHY - Despite her detachment to reality fueled by obscene riches, she can still feel pain. 

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant frowns and leans in to ask, “Ma’am, can we come back later to ask you some questions?”

LORENA GURENSTOTTE - She sniffles and gives one more wail before answering, “Y-yes. Please--tomorrow, p-please, if you don’t mind..”

YOU - You give a worried look to Kim. “Alright, Mrs. Gurenstotte. We’ll do everything we can to help find them. Goodbye.”

You sigh and move away from the mansion’s intercom.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - The sunset peeking out from behind the towers of Grand Couron is the color of marigolds and coral. It looks like the gold from The Pernikarnassian’s holy mouth itself.

SUGGESTION - You move your gaze to Kim. He’s as kempt as usual; when you awoke in each other’s arms, his hair was all over his face and there was a considerable amount of drool on your chest.

He may have been embarrassed by it, but you found it adorable.

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks back and walks closer to you. “I think it’s safe to say that there’s not much for us to do here.”

YOU - “Yeah. Yeah,” you grumble, taking one last look at the Gurenstotte-Cantillon residence, “Fuck. I mean, maybe Farrin has more info on them?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “It’s unlikely,” he shakes his head, “He hasn’t seen them since March and they went missing while he was in our custody.”

EMPATHY - He’s just as disparaged as you are.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - An irritated Jean Vicquemare is furiously writing out a report for a newly closed case. He takes a look out the window perpendicular to his desk and sniffs.

He could really use a smoke right now.

YOU - You walk back to the Kineema and get in the driver’s seat once more. The seat is comfortable to you now, even if you know Kim should be sitting here.

VOLITION - What else can you do now but wait for Lorena to calm down enough to talk to the two of you?

VISUAL CALCULUS - Check out the premises for signs of a struggle or a message left by the sisters. Maybe they’re hiding  _ in _ the mansion? It is pretty big..

LOGIC - Interview neighbors. Search for any of their friends. See if their siblings know anything. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You’re itching for a cigarette. Also a drink.

KIM KITSURAGI - “What do you suppose we do now, detective?” the lieutenant asks, taking off his glasses to clean them.

YOU - “I mean, we should try the neighbors and the family, of course, but..” you drift off. “Fuck. We were so close.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes, we were..” he murmurs, deep in thought, “We were.”

YOU - You let the silence stagnate for a bit. It’s comforting, you decide, to sit with Kim, even if you’re both stewing about your recent setback. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Relax a little. You deserve it. Get loose! Get wild!

VOLITION - You’re still technically on the clock and you should really be trying to solve the case right now. You’ve relaxed enough today.

RHETORIC - Kim is still hurt, though.. Who says we can’t take care of him for the weekend?

EMPATHY - An uncertain air fills the vehicle.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..Detective, if you don’t mind, could we get some food?”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He shares your sentiments of wanting to work but also wanting to take it easy. 

YOU - You realize that your stomach is feeling particularly empty. You had a snack on the way to Lorena’s home, but it wasn’t as fulfilling as an actual meal.

“Where do you want to go?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He pauses, deciding, before saying, “There’s Kuklov’s.”

YOU - You don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve had a kebab from there, but you don’t even think about it before turning on the engine and backing out of your parking space.

Once you’re on the road, you turn on the radio. It’s tuned to your beloved DiscoFM, but you try to change it to the station Kim likes.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - It takes a bit of trial and error, but finally you get the right frequency.

RADIO - -- _ tried _

_ Here on the stand with the book in my hand _

_ And truth on my side _

_ Accusations, lies _

_ Hand me my sentence, I'll show no repentance _

_ I'll suffer with pride.. _

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim hums and begins tapping his (uninjured) foot to the steady beat.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - The song reminds you of humanism and the Innocences. Particularly, Dolores Dei’s may-be war crimes.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - It’s hauntingly beautiful, though. The baritone timbre of the chorus resonates with you.

INLAND EMPIRE - The streets begin to blend into a painting of cobalt squares and grey rectangles, of lamp posts showering dandelion light onto winding streets. It feels like you’re being ripped from the waking world by your own mind. Why?

YOU - “Kim?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes?”

YOU - “Nothing. Just making sure you were still there.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Did you think I would spontaneously disappear?” he chuckles.

YOU - “I mean, I don’t know. I guess I just, um.. Got a little lost. In the head. Sorry.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “It’s probably fatigue. Just keep your eyes on the road,” he reassures you.

YOU - You blink. The road returns to normal. You’re halfway to the precinct by now.

\--

ESPRIT DE CORPS - It’s an often-heard urban legend around the Precinct that eating three of these kebabs will make you immortal.

ENDURANCE - Right now, though, you feel like your entire body is turning into pure grease.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT (Failure) - You feel sick. This is so, so good, yet positively  _ bad _ for your body.

COMPOSURE - Kim feels the same. As you sit across from him on a small bench near the kebab stand (he outright refuses to let you eat in his car, and for good reason) you see him frown as he eats; he feels the fats and salts tearing through his organs. 

YOU - You take another bite of pita-wrapped goodness and sigh. 

LOGIC - You’re thinking about the weekend, and the inevitable loneliness that comes with it. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Of course, it’s nice to get time away from work…

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - ...But  _ not  _ good to be alone with your thoughts for two days. 

YOU - You look over to the bar a little ways up and across the street. 

SHIVERS - The first time you relapsed, you felt the streets bring you there, where you were apparently known by the staff.

EMPATHY - You told them everything, and in return, they told you about what you were like before Martinaise. There was pain in their voices. 

VOLITION - You’ve since tried your best to avoid that place like the plague. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - But when you found your way back there--Once, twice, three times--they made sure you didn’t spiral too bad. 

AUTHORITY - Each time you resolved to do better. You decided to keep a firm grip on your urges as best as you can. 

VOLITION - And it works. Mostly.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant follows your line of sight. “Harry, if you feel like you’re about to… make a mistake, we can leave.”

YOU - You make a vague gesture with your hand. “Eh, it’s fine. Was just thinkin’ about… y’know.” 

KIM KITSURAGI - He nods, understanding.

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ The animal you used to be _ , he fills in the blank.

YOU - “It’s been hard,” you blurt out.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I believe that.”

YOU - “Sorry. I just.. I don’t know. It just.. It’s hard to ignore.”

KIM KITAURAGI - He nods and gives you a sympathetic look. “I’ll be here to support you as always, detective.”

YOU - “So what’re you doing for the weekend?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s a little taken aback by the sudden change in conversation.“I don’t know,” he shrugs, taking another bite of kebab, “I don’t usually do much.”

ENCYCLOPEDIA - He’s said this exact thing every time you’ve asked him.

SUGGESTION - Ask him out on a date!

PAIN THRESHOLD - No, he’s still fucked up. He can’t go anywhere.

LOGIC - However, he  _ will  _ need someone to make sure he doesn’t bleed out and die. 

YOU - You finish your meal and close your eyes as you rest your head on your fist. Despite your frequent breaks from any actual work, you’re still pretty tired, and your head is throbbing. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He wipes his hands on a napkin he procured from his jacket and stands. “I believe we’re ready to head home, unless…?”

YOU - You nod and get up, walking him back to the Kineema. 

The ride to his home is swift, considering how far away he lives from the Precinct. At last, when you arrive at his place, you get out and walk him up to his apartment once more.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Wait,” he stops you before you leave, “Would you.. care for a cigarette?”

YOU - You give him a weary smile and step in.

KIM KITSURAGI - He leads you to a sliding door in the kitchenette that you didn’t notice earlier. His balcony is somewhat wider than yours, but still cramped nonetheless. He lights up, and upon igniting your own smoke, leans against the railing. 

“I think, all things considered, today was productive.”

YOU - “...Are you  _ sure?” _

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You’re still a little bitter over Yvonne and Yennifer going missing  _ right  _ when you’re about to pin them.

KIM KITSURAGI - He nods. “We received key information that could’ve led to a possible confession or arrest, for one.”

LOGIC - He  _ does  _ have a point.

YOU - “And..?” you ask, looking to him and smiling.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I’m not counting that,” he huffs wryly.

YOU - “Well, it may not be work-related, but it  _ was _ progress, don’t you think?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He raises an eyebrow. 

AUTHORITY (Failure) - Yowch. Don’t mention it. Not now, at least.

YOU - You smoke in silence for a bit, listening to the distant sounds of Revachol. At some point, Kim puts his head on your shoulder. You sling an arm around his waist. 

“Tired?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes,” he confesses.

YOU - His presence comforts you immensely. Unfortunately, as all things must come to an end, eventually your cigarette is nothing more than a butt and you’re forced to leave the balcony--and Kim’s home--as to not make things awkward. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He grabs your wrist before you can make it out of the kitchenette.

“How are you going to get home?”

YOU - “I’ll…”

LOGIC - You can’t drive  _ his _ car home. It’s a long walk to Central Jamrock, and with it being nighttime.. 

YOU - “Uh. I’ll--I’ll…”

KIM KITSURAGI - “You can stay here tonight, if you want.”

YOU - “You sure? I wouldn’t want to impose..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks down. “I apologize if I’m being… needy. I just don’t want you to have to walk all that way.” 

EMPATHY - He hasn’t had someone else sleep in his apartment for so long. He’s ashamed that he’s being this open with his emotions, and yet wishes you would stay with him. 

DRAMA - Ah, the duality of man…

YOU - You turn towards him. “I’ll stay. You want me to sleep on the couch?”

COMPOSURE - He bites his cheek in annoyance--more with himself than at you--and shakes his head.

KIM KITSURAGI - “No. Come on,” he says, putting out his cigarette in the sink and tugging you to the bedroom.

YOU - You can’t help but feel a little nervous. You  _ did _ literally sleep with him twice, but never under the covers and without being partially clothed. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s already taking off his boots. You’ve never seen Kim without at least a shirt and pants on.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Get those clothes off, baby!

YOU - You take off your shoes first, and then work on getting your pants off. You look over at Kim, and your heart skips a beat.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Oh my god. His backside. His shoulder muscles.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - His teres major, to be specific.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Fuck. Fuck he’s hot.

YOU - You take off your shirt and jacket, and fold your clothes as neatly as you can before setting them aside and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s wearing nothing but boxers and socks. He slides under the covers and looks at you expectantly.

PERCEPTION - Hang on. He has scars-- normal ones, of course, from years of work-related injuries, most likely-- but there are scars on his chest, as well.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - ...Why doesn’t he have nipples?

EMPATHY - He’s just as anxious as you are about all of this.

YOU - You get under the covers with him and relax. This is fine. It’s just you, half-naked, sleeping with another man who is half-naked. It’s fine. 

PERCEPTION - His pillows smell like him.

ENCYCLOPEDIA (Failure) - You’re still very, very confused as to why he has no nipples.

YOU - “Um, Kim?” you ask quietly.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes, d--Harry?”

YOU - “Uh, excuse me if, um, this is a weird question at all, but, um..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He frowns a little. “It’s about my chest, isn’t it?”

YOU - You nod sheepishly.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..This is what I was going to talk to you about a few days ago, at your apartment,” he explains, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes, “To put it in terms you’ll understand, there’s a.. Separate underground for people whose gender is not what they were assigned as at birth.”   
  


LOGIC - You think you may have heard of it before, whether from witnesses or youths you’ve encountered on the field. You somewhat understand what’s going on. 

All you know is that Kim is a man and nothing will ever change that for you.

YOU - “What’s it called?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “It’s most often called being trans-gender. I, ah.. Thought that given your acceptance of me being homo-sexual, as well as you being bi-sexual, I thought..”

EMPATHY - This is an incredibly important thing he’s telling you right now. He’s trying not to show it, but he’s scared.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Do not tell this to anyone. Do not expose him for his identity. 

YOU - “So those scars are..”

KIM KITSURAGI - “A special operation to remove mammary glands and reduce breast tissue. Some other trans-gender individuals keep their nipples; I decided they weren’t very important.”

YOU - You nod. “That must have been tough to recover from.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “It was.”

He puts his glasses on his nightstand before beginning to fidget with the edge of the duvet. He swallows. You’ve never seen him this.. Vulnerable, before.

SUGGESTION - Reassure him.

EMPATHY - He needs your support.

YOU - You gently hold his hand in both of yours. “Kim, I promise that I lo--like you the way you are. Your past doesn’t change that, and I think that it’s pretty damn cool that you’ve come all this way. Plus you taught me a new thing.  _ That’s _ disco.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He gives you a weak smile. “Thank you, Harry. It means a lot to me.”

YOU - You kiss the back of his palm. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” you add, turning onto your side to face him properly, “I, um, didn’t mean to.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “It’s fine. Conversations like these are always uncomfortable.”

COMPOSURE - The tips of his ears are reddening again; most likely from your shows of affection.

YOU - You move from his hand to his face, planting kisses on his cheeks and eyelashes, and then his forehead, and then finally his lips.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Please,” he whispers, “Your sideburns..” 

YOU - “Sorry. It’s scratchy, I know.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He begins to kiss back, hands traveling up your arms and around your chest. You feel him shift closer to you and hitch his leg around yours.

YOU - You can’t help but smile as your mouths move against each other, and soon enough he’s on top of you, feeling up your muscles.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - He kisses with the same hunger that you have. He’s yearning for affection, for attention, for  _ anything _ \-- he hesitates every now and then, but always comes back with that same voracity. 

YOU - You pause to catch your breath, and find yourself looking at Kim.

PERCEPTION - Slight wrinkles carve through his skin. Up close, his age shows a bit better; his years are revealed.

SUGGESTION - He’s still handsome to you, no matter what.

YOU - “Been a while?” you ask, breathlessly.

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks to the side. “Y-yeah.”

YOU - “Same here,” you murmur before going back in. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You tend to him gently and lovingly. His torso seems to fit perfectly against yours, and it feels like your bodies were simply  _ meant  _ to be together. You kiss his neck, taking in his scent as much as you can, and he rewards you with a small moan every time you nip at his skin. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “ _ Fffuck…” _

YOU - “Mm. I missed this.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He hides his face in the crook of your neck. “Dolores Dei.. god,” he mumbles, “Oh my god.”

YOU - You hold him close to your chest and take respite. It’s comfortable, you realize, having his weight on top of you. He’s panting and idly lacing his fingers through your hair, curling and untangling it over and over. It’s soothing.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I’ve been.. Pent up for quite a while, so to say,” he finally admits.

YOU - “Shit, me too,” you laugh, “I don’t think I’ve done something like this in…”

LOGIC - You don’t actually remember. 

YOU “...Forever, probably.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He hums, relaxing in your arms. 

YOU - “Thank you for, um, le--”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Shh,” he hushes you, “It’s fine. I needed this.”

YOU - “...I think I did, too,” you say after a long time.

KIM KITSURAGI - His hand wanders from your hair to your cheek. He cups it and rises to kiss you--slowly, passionately--before rolling off you and settling on your side.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Damn. And you were getting in the mood, too.

VOLITION - We’ll wait until he’s ready to do it. Until then, there’s always your hand..

KIM KITSURAGI - There’s the small trace of a smile on his face. His eyes are closed as he rests against you, and you can’t help but wish you had this view every night.

YOU - You lay your head on his and wonder what tonight means in the grand scheme of things.

SUGGESTION - If you haven’t gathered that you’re  _ in a romantic relationship _ by now, then I really have no clue what to tell you.

LOGIC - He  _ has _ implied the possibility of sex to you.

EMPATHY -  _ And _ shared a close secret with you!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY (Failure) - But the only reason you’re here is because you have no way of getting home.

VOLITION - We shouldn’t be getting caught up in emotions, anyways..

YOU - But Kim’s into it. I’m into it! I want to be with him!

RHETORIC - But does  _ he _ want to be with you?

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Look at the gentle curve of his eyelashes. Look at the slow rise and fall of his chest, the jutting polygons and soft circles of his bone structure.. His soft yet calloused hands, his swollen lips.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - If this were anyone else he was sleeping with, he wouldn’t be this relaxed,  _ or _ this happy. 

SAVOIR FAIRE - Instead, he’d slink out of bed, getting fully clothed again before ordering them out.

AUTHORITY - He’d wash his sheets afterwards, even. Anything to cleanse his moment of weakness from sight.

SUGGESTION - And yet here you are.

INLAND EMPIRE - You will not sleep much tonight. Neither will he.

ENDURANCE - But you’re both glad to have someone who you can rely on for when it gets bad.

\---

_ You dream of bodies. _

_ You dream of flesh, floating in an unmeasurable space; _

_ Of limbs and hands, tugging you apart whilst you struggle, _

_ Of teeth and nails _

_ Of eyes, and mouths, and noses _

_ You dream of yourself, every aspect milling around you _

_ In a small room. _

_ You see your agility and strength,  _

_ Your mind and spirit _

_ You see everything you hate _

_ As well as the things you love. _

_ You dream of Her and Him and Him, looking down upon you _

_ As you struggle to stay afloat in this mass of sin and trespass, _

_ You see them stare _

_ With searing eyes _

_ And finally, _

_ After an eternity of pain  _

_ And screaming _

_ And tears, and spit, and blood,  _

_ The lights behind them grow so bright _

_ That you see nothing but the blood vessels in your eyes _

_ And you wake up. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song from the radio is Condemnation by Depeche Mode! :)
> 
> aagghhgh hope you guys dont mind the shorter chapter. stuffs been getting really hectic over here (we're moving soon) and overall havent been feeling that well but seeing yall like this fic makes me really happy ! so ill try to work on it some more
> 
> also rlly sorry abt the writing in this one.. def not my best work. but oh well! ty for the hits and kudos and comments<3333 love yall


	7. The days are long and the nights are frightenin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from The Hell of It by Paul Williams! :)

YOU - It’s been a week.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - An entire week of interviews, of searching, of working day after day on this godforsaken case.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - An entire week of wanting release. Of wanting to pick up a bottle of pills or alcohol and  _ relax. _

LOGIC - A week of cross-examinations, of comparing notes and begging for it to make sense.

SAVOIR FAIRE - A  _ week _ of revisiting every location, every alley way and abandoned building, looking for two snotty, rich, and incredibly smart sisters.

YOU - You look at the clock. It’s 1:00.

You look back at your notes. Lorena’s account of events is written in Kim’s neat handwriting.

NOTES -  _ L. Gurenstotte states she came home from outing with friends to see sisters in the living room. Matching violet clothing. Approximately 3 hours passed before she went to check in on them. They were not in the living room. Checked every room in house. Found Yvonne’s bedroom windows open.  _

_ HDB and I checked out perimeter and interior. No signs of struggle. Note left in Yennifer’s room. Says ‘Everything will be okay […] Coming back soon’.  _

YOU - You huff out a breath and look back at the map of Revachol sitting in front of you. Red X-marks of possible hideouts are everywhere, as well as circles on places that you and Kim plan to check regularly. 

EMPATHY - Kim had gone home a few hours ago. He was afraid of being too tired to drive home, and being in somewhat better condition than he was last Friday, you decided to let him go. You also understood why he wouldn’t want to sleep in the office.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Kim Kitsuragi lays in bed, hugging a pillow close to his face and breathing softly. He moves in his sleep; his brows furrow and his hands grip the pillowcase for a second before he relaxes and exhales deeply. 

YOU - You shift your gaze to the stained coffee cup to your right. It’s empty.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - No more chemicals to fuel your infernal engine.. Looks like someone needs to head home for the night.

YOU - But the case…

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You can’t keep going forever. You  _ need _ to rest. Sleep is an important aspect of staying healthy.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - Lack of sleep causes your brain to shut down. Also, you’ve been out of antidepressants for 4 days now. You should order a refill sooner rather than later, because that can  _ also _ cause your brain to shut down.

VOLITION - It  _ has _ been shutting your brain down.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - But misery = need for that sweet, sweet hooch!

LOGIC - Misery = an untimely death. Don’t tempt fate.

YOU - You frown and stand up, grabbing your coat and pushing in your chair. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION - The office surrounding you is exceptionally dark, save for the few lights scattered about here and there for the night crew. The darkness hugs the sharp corners of the desks surrounding you, and the walls seem gaunt in the pale yellow lights. 

INLAND EMPIRE - Precinct 41 is watching you.

SHIVERS - It has not forgotten, unlike you.

YOU - You eventually snap out of your long stare into the dark and begin heading down the stairs to the exit. 

PERCEPTION - You see a shadow move in the corner of your eye. Just around that corner!

HALF-LIGHT (Failure) - Intruder? Murderer? Someone is coming to kill you, in your own Precinct. 

YOU - You bite the inside of your cheek and stop, waiting for further movement. 

INLAND EMPIRE - The essence of night swirls around you. You feel it pull you towards the movement, this mysterious spot shrouded in black, the phantom of the precinct..

SAVOIR FAIRE - You very, very carefully take the few steps remaining on this particular flight before managing to sneak to the corner of the entrance to the 2nd floor--the B-wing.

YOU - You’re about to tilt around the corner when something comes out of it. 

REACTION SPEED (Failure) - WHO?? HUH?? WHAT

YOU - You shriek. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Like a little girl.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “DOLORES DEI--FUCK!”

A very shocked Jean stands before you, cowering with arms raised over his head before he realizes who it is in front of him. “Fucking--My GOD, Harrier, what the  _ FUCK _ is wrong with you??”

YOU - “S-sorry. Oh god,” you sigh, feeling your heart still thump in your chest. “Oh god, Jean, I’m sorry, I thought--”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “--That I was some sort of monster that the  _ walls _ told you about, or something?” he asks angrily, straightening up. “Just--fucking hell. Heart attack, just what I fucking needed..” he grumbles.

EMPATHY - He thought  _ you _ were some sort of monster the moment you shrieked like that. 

YOU - You swallow nervously. “Um, sorry. Really. I didn’t expect you to be down here at all..”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Well, next time you see someone by surprise, maybe  _ don’t _ scream in their faces?” he rolls his eyes. 

SAVOIR FAIRE - He  _ does _ have a point.

YOU - “Right,” you say. 

SUGGESTION - You realize that this situation is becoming very awkward very quickly.

YOU - “So…”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “So?” he gives you a dirty look.

YOU - “You, uh… Where’re you heading?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “The Pale. I’m moving there. Permanently. I’m gonna be the first man to survive in that hellscape.”

DRAMA (Failure) - ...It’s a noble cause, at least..?

YOU - “Are you sure? I’d miss you, the entire Major Crimes Unit would miss you, and I think that you’d actually die after a few days, and I--”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He stares at you.

EMPATHY - His eyes contain confusion. A little bit of pity, and a reasonable amount of anger, but mostly confusion.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “You’re.. Whatever,” he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I’ve had a long night. I’m not gonna do this with you.”

YOU - “S--”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Stop saying sorry. It’s--It’s fine. Just go home.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Jean is going through a tough investigation himself. It hasn’t gone on for nearly as long as yours, but it’s taken just about the same toll on his spirit.

YOU - You wait for a moment before asking, “..Hard case?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Yes. God, yes,” he admits defeatedly.

YOU - “Do you want some company?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He looks at you sadly for a second. “Only until we leave the building. After that, if you even so much as take one step towards me..”

YOU - “Got it. I promise I won’t.”

EMPATHY - There’s a flash of regret on his face before he begins down the stairs.

YOU - You follow him. “So what’s it about?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He shrugs. “Double murder, possible suicide.”

YOU - “The hitch?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Missing weapon, no witnesses. None of the deceased had friends or surviving family members.”

YOU - You whistle. “Yeesh. Could the neighbors have heard anything..?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He shakes his head. “They were found in a recording studio. The only person nearby was a janitor who reported a muffled crash.”

YOU - You go quiet in thought.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - At first glance, it should be an open and shut case. Jean and Judit have been trying their damned hardest for the past few days on finding any sort of evidence pointing towards  _ anyone. _ The janitor proved to be unhelpful, the manager of the studio wasn’t even there during the time of the murders, and poisoning or other weapon-less causes of death have been ruled out already.

YOU - “Were there any windows in the room?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Yes. Half-open, so it’s possible that..” he pauses, racking through his memories for previous theories, “..No. The trajectory would’ve been off. No enemies that we know of, either.”

COMPOSURE - Scratch that thought from last week.  _ This _ is the calmest you’ve ever seen Jean. 

EMPATHY - You don’t remember what being partners with him was like, but it was probably something like this; bouncing ideas off of each other, calm speech and long walks together. 

YOU - You look at him. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - His grey eyes are pointed at the ground, deep in concentration as he struggles to figure out what could’ve happened. His pockmarked cheeks seem softer in the light (or lack thereof).

INLAND EMPIRE - Something about this scene feels familiar to you.

YOU - “Jean?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I’m not going to tuck you into bed or  _ whatever the fuck it is _ that you want from me.”

YOU - “That’s not--Have I..?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - Even in the darkness, you can make out the gentle shift in color in his cheeks. “Yes. Unfortunately.”

YOU - “Oh.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - How fucked up  _ were you? _ Because I’d like to get to that state again.

VOLITION - No. Positively not.

RHETORIC (Failure) - Not  _ yet. _ You deserve a  _ little _ sip, at the very least. You’ve been fine for months--You have enough self-control by now to enjoy a beer.

YOU - You grimace at the thought before you feel a hand on your shoulder shake you gently.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Hey, shitkid, you still here with me?”

YOU - You realize that you’re now in the entrance of the precinct. 

“S--Yeah, I’m here. Was just thinking.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “‘Thinking’. Right,” he scoffs, removing his hand from your shoulder. “I’m headed home. Stay safe out there and for the love of all that is holy,  _ please _ don’t get fucking wasted.”

He walks out the doors and makes a left, leaving you alone.

EMPATHY - There was legitimate concern in his words. He’s amazed at how far you’ve come and  _ really _ doesn’t want you to fuck this up.

YOU - You find yourself walking towards your home. 

SHIVERS - It’s still early in spring, and the winter’s icy grasp is holding on for dear life midway into April. You feel yourself taking a deep breath, smelling incoming rain as well as exhaust from cars as you roam the streets.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You miss Jean’s presence, as well as Kim’s. 

INTERFACING - Try calling them when you get home. You and the lieutenant reinstated your phone line when you came home from Martinaise-- calling them should be no problem, as long as you still remember their numbers.

LOGIC - It’s past midnight, though. What if you wake them up?

SUGGESTION - You can always try calling another time. 

YOU - As you walk under the many yellow street lights lining the path to your apartment building, you can’t help but feel like something--or someone--is watching you.

HALF-LIFE (Failure) - You are being hunted. Run. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA - ‘Gaze detection’, or the ‘Supra-natural staring effect’, is a phenomenon that has been contested by researchers for about a century now. The theory states that humans can detect when someone is looking at them without actually seeing them in the act--many studies have been conducted, always concluding in mixed results.

YOU - You look back and don’t see anything.

PERCEPTION (Failure) - It’s too dark to tell. Be on your guard, but it’s probably nothing.

YOU - You continue on your way, silently counting the remaining blocks until you reach your destination. 7 becomes 6, which becomes 5, which becomes 4, until you stop at 3.

HALF-LIGHT (Failure) - YOU ARE BEING HUNTED. YOU ARE GOING TO BE KILLED.

PERCEPTION (Failure) - Once again, you look around, scanning for any sort of presence that might be watching you.

SHIVERS (Failure) - The city air and the concrete beneath your feet tell you nothing.

INLAND EMPIRE - The darkness. It moves. It listens. It speaks.

CONCEPTUALIZATION (Failure) - Out of the shadows, you make out a bundle of possible shapes and forms. Nothing human. 

The world seems to collapse in on it. It is swallowing you.

HALF-LIGHT - RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

YOU - You sprint the remaining distance between you and the safety of your home. Once you step inside the front door of the building, you feel the adrenaline begin to wear off.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Your limbs sag as you drag yourself up to the third floor. 

PAIN THRESHOLD - Your ribs hurt--probably a cramp from running. You manage to get in your door without collapsing.

YOU - “..Fuck,” you whisper.

LOGIC - You’ve been seeing weird shit for a while now. What is it? What does it mean?

YOU - You’re undressing in your room now. You look over at your nightstand, and see an open drawer with an empty pill bottle within it. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA - You’ve never hallucinated  _ this bad _ before, and as far as you know, the medicine doesn’t affect it. 

EMPATHY - Stress? From emotional honesty to trying to solve a case, you’ve been going through the ringer lately. 

SUGGESTION - But that can’t include seeing the lieutenant as.. Whatever it was you saw.

INLAND EMPIRE - Something deeper. Something from long ago.

YOU - You uneasily walk to your bedroom window and make sure it’s locked, just in case.

VISUAL CALCULUS - Your gaze instinctually scans for any signs of a break-in during your absence, and thankfully you find none.

INTERFACING - You  _ do _ see your landline in the living room, though.

EMPATHY - He’ll understand. It’s not like he gets much sleep either.

YOU - You hesitate, but dial Kim’s number into the numpad. 

You hear it ring four times before he picks up.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..Harry? What’s wrong?” he mumbles.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He just woke up to talk to you. 

INLAND EMPIRE - There’s thankfulness in his voice, though. You get the feeling that he was having a nightmare.

DRAMA (Failure) - Don’t tell him the truth. He’ll think you’re going crazy.

YOU - “Um.. I-I, uh. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Somehow I find that hard to believe.”

PERCEPTION - You hear him yawn through the receiver.

YOU - You close your eyes. “..I don’t want to keep you up that long.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “I’m already awake, Harry. You can tell me what it is.”

LOGIC (Failure) - Don’t. He’s mad and wants to go back to sleep. 

YOU - “Sorry. I mean, I’m fine. I-I just wanted to check in and make sure you were safe and stuff, since you were pretty tired when you left. Y’know. Normal partner things. Fuck, sorry.”

COMPOSURE (Failure) - You’re still afraid, and you’re letting it show.

KIM KITSURAGI - He sighs. “You can talk to me, detective.”

YOU - “No, it’s fine. I’m sorry. I woke you up. I’m sorry,” you apologize, feeling guilt begin to weigh you down.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective, I--”

YOU - You hang up before he can go on.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - A confused (and somewhat concerned) lieutenant Kitsuragi holds a phone handset, looking down at it as if  _ it _ was the one that abruptly hung up on him.

PAIN THRESHOLD (Failure) - Your own mistakes are enough to bring tears to your eyes.

ENDURANCE (Failure) - You also feel like you’re going to fall asleep right here, right now. Get your ass in bed.

YOU - It feels like an impossibly long trek back to your room, but eventually you make it. 

Kim’s parting words stick with you as you drift away.

\---

YOU - You’re outside of your apartment. Light shines on the street, but the sky is pitch black. 

You’re on your way to work. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Look at you go. You’re retracing your steps, just as you have for the last 18 years. Of course, you didn’t always have to go on foot.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - No, heavens no. You used to have a car! A motorized, mechanical horse, brought to life through wizardry. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - And you’d drive that deathtrap of a motor carriage back and forth, from the precinct to your home, like some sort of vile tide. 

LIMBIC SYSTEM - An ocean of drug paraphernalia and wine bottles. You were the saint of fermented waters. You were a pagan god.

YOU - You’ve now made it to the first crosswalk of your morning commute. So far, you haven’t seen anyone else on your walk. It’s just you and this facsimile of Revachol.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - Do you remember this place?

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - To your left is a small family restaurant. You used to go there all the time. Don’t you remember? Oh, silly me. I  _ forgot. _

YOU - You cross to the next sidewalk and keep walking, ignoring the voices. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - This street used to have a corner store. 

LIMBIC SYSTEM - And then, miraculously, it went out of business. Sunk into the disparity of life on this side of the isola. It died, just like you did.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - And you threw a  _ fit. _

LIMBIC SYSTEM - A tantrum of epic proportions. Yelling and seething, throwing things, pissing yourself because you didn’t have a local  _ plug _ anymore for your vices.

YOU - Well, I’m not like that anymore. I don’t know why you’re telling me this. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Oh yes you do, baby.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - You know  _ exactly _ why we’re telling you.

YOU - Nope. Don’t know a thing. I’d like to wake up, if you don’t mind.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Be our guest.

YOU - You try to stop walking. 

You can’t.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - He’s trapped here. He’s going to suffocate on all of his sins being pushed down his windpipe. He is going to sink. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Well, looky here. This ice cream shop, wedged between the bookstore and the apartment. 

LIMBIC SYSTEM - You and the Apricot-Scented One went here every so often. Her favorite flavor was orange sorbet. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Keeping with the fruit theme. No wonder she liked you.

YOU - ..Can homophobia even  _ be _ THIS internalized?

LIMBIC SYSTEM - No. Only you, only ever you, have been this deep in pure  _ shit _ .

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - You’re walking straight into quicksand, baby. 

YOU - You walk faster. You figure that if you can’t wake up right  _ now _ , maybe making it to the Precinct will allow you some sort of release.

The buildings are blurring together as you focus on getting to ‘work’. You pass the spot where you felt you were being watched, and see that all that resides is a fence separating you from what you assume to be someone’s backyard.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Still thinking about your earlier weakness, are you?

LIMBIC SYSTEM - Thinking about how you couldn’t bring yourself to spit out your problems to your partner?

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Your partner who you rudely awoke? 

LIMBIC SYSTEM - Your partner who just wants you for a quick fuck. He just wants to leave you  _ leaking. _

YOU - No he doesn’t. I  _ know _ he doesn’t. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Do you now, Harry-boy? Do you really think you know what’s going on in his brain?

LIMBIC SYSTEM - His perfect, intact, pristine brain.  _ His _ brain that isn’t as diseased as  _ yours. _

YOU - I mean, he let me sleep over, and we haven’t even fucked yet, and..

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - You’re getting better at this, you know.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - Shutting yourself down and soldiering on.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - But how much longer do you think you can hold it back? How much longer until you feel the tears seep through again, until you collapse under the weight of your own mistakes--

LIMBIC SYSTEM - --Until you finally give in to that next hit, that next sip, that next party?

YOU - Shut up. I don’t want to listen to you.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - What other choice do you have, baby?

YOU - You’re halfway there. You begin jogging, just as you did in the waking world.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - You are still the prey.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - The red building with the black overhang you just passed was the scene of a murder some years ago. Place was a front for drug trafficking.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - And  _ he _ was still with you. He was still coming to your home, checking in on you, yelling and screaming for you to just  _ get a psychiatrist already,  _ because you were hitting rock bottom and still going deeper.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - He cared for you, and look at what you did.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - You tore him apart while looking for your last shred of sanity.

YOU - Jean’s…

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - ..Not okay. He hasn’t been okay since you entered his life.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - No amount of apologies will cure mental illness.

YOU - You’re running now, and as you get closer to Precinct 41 and the buildings stop blocking the horizon as much, you see that the sky isn’t just black.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - See that? That beam of light that makes you feel microscopic. See what it is and you’ll understand, baby. 

YOU - The dome roof and double chimneys poke out behind what looks to be a cafe, and as you round the corner, going as fast as you can, heart thumping harder than it ever has, eyes wide and afraid--

LIMBIC SYSTEM - You see it. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - You see Him.

YOU - You see what looks like a large, classical-style marble statue, toppled from its base and crushing the entrance of the Precinct. It has a hand outstretched and pointing to the sky, pristine white skin starkly contrasting the darkness of the world surrounding you.

You look at the statue’s intact face. It’s Kim.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - Get closer. See what he’s leading you to, see what he wants you to do  _ so badly _ since you can’t do anything yourself.

YOU - You step closer to the statue’s enormous side until you can place a hand on it’s huge, broken arm.

ANCIENT REPTILIAN - And yet you still can’t see. Time to get climbing, Harry-boy.

YOU - And so you do. You use the debris of the toppled statue as support to get on top of it’s--Kim’s--torso, and from there you climb to his left shoulder, and begin the journey up his arm.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - It’s steep. Don’t look down.

YOU - You look down.

Revachol has disappeared, and now it’s just you, Kim’s statue, and the Light. Beneath the marble supporting you, the darkness rises-- first it swallows the chipped-off marble boulders, and then the bottom half of the legs, and now the base. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Better climb faster before it swallows you too.

YOU - You almost slip in the crook of his elbow, but claw yourself up his hand.

LIMBIC SYSTEM - And there She is…

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - She’s come to have an _ audience _ with you, to  _ humor _ your pleas. 

LIMBIC SYSTEM - She has come to finally get rid of you once and for all.

YOU - A ginormous stained glass window towers over you, depicting Dolores Dei in all of Her heavenly glory. The glass shifts, and She moves--Her head turns down to look at you.

DOLORES DEI - “Do you know what day it is, Harry?”

YOU - Her voice is so loud you feel like your eardrums are about to burst.

“It’s.. It’s Thursday.”

DOLORES DEI - The glass moves once more, pieces moving and changing in color in accordance to Her movements. “It’s Thursday, yes. Do you know how many days are left?”

YOU - “Days left until what?”

DOLORES DEI - The obsidian waters have already claimed Her legs. But unlike anything else reclaimed by this wine-dark ocean, you can still see the glow of Her Innocence beneath.

“..You don’t remember?” She frowns.

YOU - You rack through what little memories you have of your time with Her. “No, I don’t. I’m sorry.”

DOLORES DEI - She looks off to the side. “You always apologize, these days.”

YOU - “Well, i-it’s an improvement, right?”

DOLORES DEI - “Maybe.”

YOU - The ooze has now submerged Statue Kim’s head. It slowly climbs up his arm, and now threatens to take you, too.

DOLORES DEI - She looks back down at you, sighing. “You’ll remember soon, I hope. You always remembered.”

YOU - “What do I need to--?” you try to ask before something tugs on your leg. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - Time’s up, I’m afraid. 

LIMBIC SYSTEM - Into the drink you go.

YOU - The tar-like substance soon comes up to your belly. “Dora, please, just tell me..”

DOLORES DEI - The window She inhibits grows brighter by the second. “Goodbye, Harry. I’ll see you soon.”

YOU - “WAIT!” you scream.

It’s too late. By the time you’re neck deep, you realize what this liquid is. Her glow blinds you, and the darkness silences you, and everything disappears. 

You drown in Commodore Red. 

-

HALF-LIGHT (Failure) - You cannot breathe. You are rocking back and forth on the cold bathroom tile. Everything is pushing in on you. The buzzing of the lights hurts your ears. Your senses are attacking you from all directions.

PERCEPTION - From somewhere far-off, you hear knuckles rap against a door.

LOGIC - It was just a dream. Just a nightmare, that’s all--

INLAND EMPIRE - It was a warning.

PAIN THRESHOLD (Failure) - The light and the noise coming from it is driving you fucking insane from the pain. Kill it. Kill it before it kills you. 

YOU - You get up and yank the lightbulb from it’s chain and throw it at the ground.

ENDURANCE - Your hand is burnt from where you grabbed it-- the light has been on for quite a while.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You can’t even cry out in pain. Every single inch of you is shutting down. It  _ has _ been shutting down for what feels like hours now.

YOU - You look at your reflection in the mirror next to you. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION (Failure) - You look crazed. You look like a corpse. You look like you just killed someone and ate their intestines. 

EMPATHY - You look like a man who is having a panic attack.

YOU - You look down at the shattered remains of your bathroom light and sob.

There are still sounds and feelings. There is still the biting cold and the sound of a door opening and hurried footsteps.

SHIVERS - There are still the sounds of other tenants living their lives, the sounds of the city moving and pulsing and working and living, the sound of The Pale creeping upon the isolas, the sounds of every living organism at once.

YOU - You collapse against the sink. The rim poking into your spine only causes more pain, and you continue to sob.

PERCEPTION (Failure) - Hands are on your shoulders, pulling on you and supporting you, and there is a voice talking to you. 

But you do not know who it is.

COMPOSURE - You feel something soft. Something familiar. You curl into it, hiding your face behind your knees and covering your ears. 

INLAND EMPIRE - You’re safe for now. You are not alone in this.

PERCEPTION - Slowly--Very very slowly-- the world comes back to you.

YOU - You finish crying after an indeterminable amount of time, and as you feel the minutes stretch on, the noise dies down as well. Everything is back to how it is supposed to be.

You sniffle and slowly raise your head from where it was previously sheltered.

VISUAL CALCULUS - You are on your couch. Your front door is closed, but judging by the temperature of the room, it was open for a while. Blue footsteps show a path of someone taking long strides through your apartment until they stopped in front of your bathroom and dragged you out. 

You follow the remaining steps until your eyes land upon..

EMPATHY - ...Kim, sitting next to you, concern written all over his face.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry? Do you feel comfortable talking?”

YOU - You wordlessly reach out a hand and he holds it.

INLAND EMPIRE - He’s here. He’s real. He squeezes your hand, and you feel his body heat. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENTS - You feel your lungs expand and deflate in time with Kim’s. The wetness on your cheeks begins to dry. 

YOU - You move to a more comfortable position closer to the lieutenant and rest your head on his shoulder. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “I’m here. I’m here.”

YOU - Your eyes close. You fall into a--thankfully, dreamless--sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE GAP IN UPLOADS OTZ been having a rough week ngl.. but i finished the chapter finally! i hope u all enjoyed this one. it was really fun to write the dream sequence seeing as I have really weird vivid dreams so i tried to emulate it as accurately as possible 
> 
> hope u all have a good night! thank u for reading<333


	8. And though your music lingers on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trail is found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from The Hell of It by Paul Williams!

KIM KITSURAGI - Your partner hands a steaming cup of coffee to you. “Do you think you could tell me what happened, detective?”

YOU - You take it. It’s too hot to drink now, but the warmth soothes you. 

“I, um.. Had a bad night.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He sits across from you at your kitchen table, taking a sip from his own cup. He looks at you expectantly.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - It’s gonna take a lot more than that to explain that weird phone call.

YOU - “I was walking home, and, uh.. I think someone was chasing me.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Chasing you?” he asks, surprised.

YOU - “I mean, I didn’t exactly  _ see _ anything, but I felt it, and I felt like something was just--just  _ staring _ , and it..” you ramble, staring into your beverage, “I started running because I was scared, and when I called you I thought it’d help, but I.. I felt guilty keeping you up.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He takes in your statement for a moment before nodding silently.

EMPATHY - He knows there’s more to this story. 

AUTHORITY - He’ll chastise you later.

YOU - You swallow. “I had a nightmare.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Bad?”

YOU - “Yeah. Really bad. I--I just, it was…” you stutter, feeling a lump form in your throat once more.

KIM KITSURAGI - “You don’t have to tell me everything if you don’t want to, Harry. It’s okay.”

YOU - You give him a very weak yet grateful smile. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS (Failure) - Hey, why is he here anyways? He doesn’t normally escort you to work.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Maybe he had a case of morning wood?

LOGIC - Morning wood that needed solving by barging into his partner’s home to  _ demand _ that he solves it? No way.

YOU - You come to a sudden realization. “Kim, what time is it?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He checks his watch. “It’s currently 9:28. Jean was worried you were.. Inebriated, and asked me to check on you.”

EMPATHY -  _ He  _ was also worried. Kim thought something very, very bad happened to you, and wanted to make sure you were okay.

YOU - You nod and take a swig of coffee.

PAIN THRESHOLD - It burns your tongue, but only slightly. At least you’re able to feel things other than mind-numbing overstimulation. 

YOU - “I’m gonna have to buy a new light,” you sigh.

KIM KITSURAGI - “It’s..”

EMPATHY - He’s trying to say this in a way that won’t come off as disciplinary.

KIM KITSURAGI - “It’s understandable that someone going through an anxiety attack would do something like this. Thankfully, it’s not permanent damage.”

ENDURANCE - Your hand still stings slightly from when you grabbed the bulb. 

YOU - You check your hand; your palm is a little pink, but otherwise there’s no visible damage.

“I’m sorry for making you worry. And for not coming into work.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He takes your free hand into his own. “Harry, you don’t have to apologize for this. You were going through a very tough moment, and it’s not your fault you reacted the way you did.”

YOU - You look at him.

PERCEPTION - There are worry lines etched into his skin. His eyes are stern, but have an underlying softness within them. 

SUGGESTION - This man cares about you. He wants you to understand this.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Do you feel like you’re ready to come to work, detective? Or would you like some more time to..?”

YOU - You shake your head. “No, I’ll go get ready. Thank you for staying here with me.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He lets go of your hand and leans back in his chair, watching you leave.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You have just now realized that all you’ve been wearing this entire time was your underwear, a tank top, and socks. 

VOLITION - There’s absolutely no way Kim would get hard from looking at you in this state.

SUGGESTION - But.. 

SAVOIR FAIRE - Let’s just focus on getting dressed in a timely manner  _ without _ falling on our ass, instead of.. Whatever  _ that _ train of thought was going to be.

YOU - Your thoughts transition from Kim’s possible raging hard-on to finding something to wear that wouldn’t violate workplace protocol.

KIM KITSURAGI - When you return, he gives you a once-over and stands. “Are you ready to leave?”

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ Do you have your shit together?  _

YOU - You nod. The two of you traverse the stairs and head out to the lieutenant’s Kineema.

SHIVERS - The morning breeze tousles your hair. Your gaze shifts down the street, and you look back on the previous night’s happenings.

VISUAL CALCULUS - Check the spots you felt you were being watched. Just in case.

YOU - You get in the car--the passenger seat, of course--and look out the window, searching not only the street but your memory for where you were when you felt those eyes on you.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - You see the embers of a memory, the ghostly traces of a landscape.

PERCEPTION - But through the darkened remnants of the previous night, you see it.

INLAND EMPIRE - That lamppost. The one on your left, in front of the blue house. That’s the one.

YOU - “Can we pull over for a second?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Do you feel okay?” he asks immediately, slowing down the MC and pulling into the nearest free spot.

YOU - You get out and stride towards the lamppost. Behind it is a home alright, but beyond that, just up the street, you see a faded yellow fence.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant jogs up to you and follows your line of sight. He raises an eyebrow.

VISUAL CALCULUS - There’s a gap between the 14th and 15th pickets. Someone hiding behind there could’ve easily seen you if they were flush against it, and it’s far enough from the post that the light would just barely reach it.

YOU - You step closer and look through the gap. Behind the fence lays a relatively well-kept backyard; puddles are strewn about, with enough mud to match. A child’s playset sits near the backdoor to the opposing building, dirt-covered and forgotten. 

PERCEPTION - You crane your neck and squint to see down the yard, pushing your cheek against the wooden fence. You can’t see much farther than 20 feet or so, but it clearly stretches on.

YOU - You step back, looking at your partner before asking, “Do you think we could hop this?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks at the fence, observing its height and silently judging it. “I think so, detective, but is this really pertinent to the investigation?”

LOGIC - It could’ve just been a kid, or maybe even an animal. Not everything is out to hurt you.

INLAND EMPIRE - It’s different, though. You feel it. A strange energy.

SAVOIR FAIRE (Failure) - You grip the top of the fence and attempt to pull yourself over. Your snakeskin shoes definitely don’t help as you scramble your way up the fence, and when you get to the top--

KIM KITSURAGI - Your partner snorts as you fall on your back into the muddy grass on the other side. 

VOLITION (Failure) - Yowch. Your pride.

AUTHORITY - Laughing at his superior? Make him pay!

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT (Failure) - God, you’re a fucking pansy. 

PAIN THRESHOLD (Failure) - Your spine aches. The mud is soaking through your jacket as well. You should get up.

YOU - “Are you coming or are you just going to laugh at me?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “You seem comfortable enough,” he says, already perched on the top of the fence, “But I suppose it would get a little boring standing around by myself,” he smiles, hopping down next to you.

YOU - You get up, albeit slowly, and dust yourself off as best as you can. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks at your backside. “You missed a spot, detective.”

YOU - You put a hand on your ass to make sure and cold, soggy wetness greets your fingertips.

“Kim, does it look like I shit myself?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He suppresses a smile. “As long as you don’t take your jacket off, no.”

YOU - You sigh and look around the yard. 

PERCEPTION - It’s about 20 feet in width, and maybe 150 feet in length. 

SHIVERS - Shared by the various tenants of the surrounding homes. Ruins of fence dividers lay in your wake, trampled by dogs and children. A small garden sits along one wall, managed by a woman in her late 60s. A rain-soaked seesaw covered in lichen resides near the center of the yard, it’s metal parts rusted and left abandoned.

INLAND EMPIRE - The ground. Look at the ground.

YOU - You look.

VISUAL CALCULUS - From where you stand, you see the imprint you left in the mud from falling and Kim’s footprints. A small bit aways, however, are shoes outlined in mind’s eye-induced blue vectors. 

There are two pairs, matching size, matching type. Casual boots, it seems, from wearers of average build. A brand logo was imprinted in the sole-- VLB, which stands for  _ Vêtements de Lanterne Brillants,  _ a popular luxury brand. The steps don’t start here, though--it seems like they originate from a building down the right end of the yard, and go down to the left.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - Yvonne and Yennifer are known to wear matching outfits. They’re also on the run right now.

YOU - “Something’s not right here, Kim.”

KIM KITSURAGI - It seems he’s noticed the footsteps as well. “Are you sure? It could be just someone who lives here.”

YOU - “Yeah, but the shoes are from an expensive brand. You think anyone outside of Grand Couron could get their hands on _ Lanterne Brillants _ ?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He nods thoughtfully.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - His eyes suddenly light up, followed by a cloud of doubt. The synapses of his brain are making similar connections to yours. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “So,” he starts slowly, “You think the person--people--who were watching you last night were from a rich background. That still doesn’t..”

EMPATHY - He’s hesitant to investigate anything that might take away from the actual case at hand. However, he  _ is _ humoring the idea...

YOU - You set off down the yard, careful to keep a bit of distance between you and the trail you’re currently following, just in case. You end up stopping in front of a dull red door.

KIM KITSURAGI - “See? Just a resident’s home.”

RHETORIC - Isn’t detecting all about following every last lead to the end?

YOU - “That’s not very detective-like of you, Kim.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He shoots you a look. “And what is  _ that _ supposed to mean?”

EMPATHY - He’s been stressed out as much as you about this ordeal. As much as he would really, really,  _ really _ like to find your missing suspects, he’s afraid of getting his hopes up too high. This has translated as irritation, unfortunately.

YOU - You knock on the door. 

DOOR OF DISAPPOINTMENT - It falls down backwards, colliding with the floor with a loud  _ whump. _

PERCEPTION - You smell dust from the home before you. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He stares quizzically at the door, and then at you, and then at the space beyond the doorway. 

YOU - “You have a light, by any chance?”

-

SAVOIR FAIRE (Failure) - Even with the lieutenant’s flashlight, you find yourself tripping over furniture and trash left over from the previous tenants.

PERCEPTION - However, a path remains--The same muddy shoes from before are now leading you through an abandoned apartment, inhabited only by rats these days.

SHIVERS - This building was once an attempt to gentrify Central Jamrock. You still see what remains of cubist-style couches and beds. Generic abstract paintings line the walls, once used to entice rich tenants to come live here. Of course, the project failed, and the shell of an apartment remains.

KIM KITSURAGI - His eyes are inspecting every inch of the place. Cool, analytical,  _ skeptical, _ and..

EMPATHY - ..Afraid. He has a hand hovering near his holster. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s thinking about all the other times the two of you have entered abandoned buildings together over the past year. Not all of them ended well.

YOU - You frown slightly as you remember the danger you were put in. The danger  _ Kim _ was put in.

KIM KITSURAGI - He stops in front of an open window. “They went through here,” he observes, “To the rooftops.”

YOU - You look over his shoulder and see that, sure enough, the ledge of the windowsill drops off about a meter or so onto the neighboring building’s roof. 

PERCEPTION (Failure) - You can’t make out footprints on any of the roofs. The trail stops here.

KIM KITSURAGI - He sighs, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes. “Fuck.”

YOU - You hesitantly place a hand on his back. “Well, we tried, at least.”

VOLITION (Failure) - You almost had them. They were right in your grasp, and then..

LOGIC - Maybe the lieutenant was right? It could’ve been anyone.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - It _ had to have been them. It had to. It just had to,  _ Kim thinks. You find yourself thinking this too.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I’m tired,” he mumbles, leaning against you. 

SUGGESTION - He’s going to you for comfort.

EMPATHY - He doesn’t want to give up. He doesn’t want to go back to the office yet again, doing paperwork until it’s time to go home, or patrol the city and ask around if people have seen either of the sisters. He doesn’t want this to end like  _ this. _

SAVOIR FAIRE - The jump from the window to the surface below isn’t too far. You could still try following them.

YOU - “Are you up for a little  _ parkour _ ?”

KIM KTSURAGI - He looks up at you, squinting. “ _ Surely _ you don’t mean..”

YOU - “They couldn’t’ve gone that far. It looks like it’d be pretty hard to jump from some of these buildings.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks back out the window, thinking. “I mean, it  _ is _ possible..”

SAVOIR FAIRE - As opposed to last time you tried to climb something, you find that crawling through the window and hanging off the ledge is easier than you’d expect.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - And when you boost off the face of the building onto the roof below, you find that your knees  _ don’t _ buckle and ache.

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim follows close behind and lands next to you gracefully.

PERCEPTION - Hundreds of buildings span out across the horizon, some taller than others. From your position, you see ventilation units and water tanks in every direction.

VISUAL CALCULUS - Someone on the run would’ve been looking for the easiest and fastest ways out. 

YOU - You begin your journey by hopping across the smallest gap you can find. Kim follows suit, and soon enough you’re jumping and climbing your way across Central Jamrock and heading into the Eminent Domain. 

SHIVERS - This perspective reveals a new edge of Revachol to you. Tar and smoke surrounds you, and the haze of an industrial city is clogging your senses, but you find that it’s easier to think up here than down on the ground.

VOLITION - After you and Kim end up at a dead end, you find yourself looking down into the road below.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Jump.

YOU - Huh?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You heard me. Jump! Imagine the wind through your hair, the adrenaline running through your veins.. 

KIM KITSURAGI - Your partner is staring at you. 

INLAND EMPIRE - Years long gone manifest in your mind. You visualize three empty bottles next to you, and one in your hand. The sky is dark in this vision, and a familiar voice is pleading from somewhere behind you.

You feel a familiar ache, a sort of longing--But, alas, this is just a dream.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry?”

YOU - You look back to see that Kim has stepped closer to you. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “Are you okay?” he asks, “I’ve been.. Very worried about you. You’re taking your medication, right?”

DRAMA - Lie. Lie so you don’t worry him. You’ll order a refill tonight anyways.

YOU - You nod. “Yeah, I just.. I wish things were easier.” 

KIM KITSURAGI - “Well.. we may have narrowed down the search area, at least. There’s that.”

YOU - You gaze at the neighborhood surrounding you. “I suppose we did, yeah.”

You both sit in silence, looking across the city and wondering where the suspects could be. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “Shall we get going? It’s about time we started getting back.”

LOGIC (Failure) - You realize that you have no idea how to get down.

YOU - You turn around from the ledge and search for any sign of a fire escape or ladder you could use.

PERCEPTION - There’s a ladder on the opposite side of the roof you’re on. It looks sturdy enough.

YOU - You motion to Kim to follow you and proceed to the ladder.

SAVOIR FAIRE - You’re doing quite the bit of climbing today; better hope you don’t get tired anytime soon.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Your upper body strength is strong enough to hold yourself up should you slip. 

VISUAL CALCULUS - Wait. 

PERCEPTION - Rust. Smog. And..

YOU - The rung you’re eye-level with has a small patch of dirt on it.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Holy shit.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You feel like you’re going to bust.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective..?”

YOU - “They went this way. There’s still some mud on here.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “This is..”

YOU - “Yeah.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “There’s no way of knowing for sure. Do you have an evidence bag?”

YOU - You take one hand off the ladder and pat your pockets. 

“Nope. Sorry.”

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim takes out a small plastic bag and hands it to you. “Scoop it up inside-out so you don’t contaminate it,” he instructs, “We’ll get a sample of the backyard mud on the way to the Kineema.”

YOU - You do as you’re told and pocket the small bag. 

LOGIC - This could be it. You could finally close this case.

YOU - The climb down is much shorter than the trek here. You inspect every rung and then every stair of the fire escape you’re walking down to no avail-- the trail ended somewhere along the ladder. 

You end up somewhere near the underside of the 8/81. 

INTERFACING - Oh god. You’re probably miles away from the Kineema by now.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - If there’s one good thing you got out of today, it’s tons of extra cardio.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant frowns. “Detective, would it be alright if we got some food before returning to Central? All of that running and jumping took it out of me.”

ENDURANCE - Your stomach growls as you remember that you didn’t have breakfast this morning.

YOU - “Oh god, yes. Where to?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “There’s a small cafeteria near here. Come on, I’ll lead the way.”

YOU - You follow right behind him, mind wandering as the lieutenant brings the two of you towards your destination. 

SUGGESTION - Does this count as a date?

LOGIC - You’ve been to get food together before and  _ those _ weren’t dates.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - But you’ve been kissing! You’ve slept in the same bed together! You haven’t fucked, but..

RHETORIC - If you aren’t romantically involved, why would he literally lean on  _ you _ for support, like earlier?

YOU - I don’t want to force him into anything..

VOLITION - How long have you been wondering this? Just ask him.

YOU - “Kim..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He turns around to face you, waiting for what you’re about to say.

RHETORIC (Failure) - You feel sweat begin to manifest in your armpits. You look away from his eyes, nervous, and croak out:

YOU - “A-are we going-- _ together?” _

KIM KITSURAGI - “I wouldn’t leave you waiting outside, detective,” he says, the corners of his mouth quirking up, “Unless..?”

YOU - “No! No,” you sputter, blushing, “I mean, I’d love to eat with you. I--I was just, um, worried. In case I got banned from there before..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He nods, taking your excuse into consideration. “Well, if you were, we can go somewhere else. It's located in a commercial area, so we won’t have to worry about finding another place.”

YOU - “Cool. Carry on, Kim.”

SAVOIR FAIRE - ...That could’ve gone better.

COMPOSURE - You’re feeling that adrenaline you were craving earlier. The sweat continues to pour from your underarms.

LOGIC (Failure) - This still confirms nothing. You are completely oblivious to everything.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Ooh, hang on. Look at Kim.

YOU - Tentatively, you look.

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s walking ahead of you, oriented on getting to the cafeteria as quick as possible. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - No, shit-for-brains, look  _ down. _

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant’s ass greets your eyes. You’re not sure if you’ve ever really  _ looked _ at his ass like this. You definitely have, just…

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You want to touch it. You want to touch it so fucking bad that you feel like you’re going to die if you don’t.

SUGGESTION - His baggy cargo pants usually hide it, but now that he’s walking you see that it’s.. Really nice. It’s small, but nice.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He feels you staring.

YOU - You look away just as he spares a glance at you. 

PERCEPTION - Out of your peripheral vision, you see his eyebrow raise just a little.

EMPATHY - He’d rather you do that later in private rather than out in broad daylight for everyone to see.

AUTHORITY - An RCM officer checking out his partner’s ass during work? Unacceptable.

RHETORIC - Pigs like cops don’t exactly do anything better with their time, though. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “Ah. We’re here.”

YOU - You look up out of the fog that is your brain to see that you’re stopped in front of a small but cozy-looking building. Chipped paint on a large sign spells out its name, but Kim ushers you inside too quickly for you to read it. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “I assume you’ve never been here before, so I’ll let you take a look at the menu before you order,” he assures, “Oh--and I’ll pay.”

SUGGESTION - He’s paying for our meal. It’s a date. A really weird one during work hours, but..

YOU - You look at him with more adoration than you’ve ever had for anyone before as he hands you a laminated menu. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He smiles, and it's the most beautiful he’s ever looked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A BIT OF A CASE-HEAVY CHAPTER.... my apologies lads but the next one is gonna be. erm. A Tad Emotional i think. we're in the endgame! im a little sad but also excited to write these final installments and get to the real meat of this story..
> 
> i hope u all enjoyed!! yr comments and kudos are greatly appreciated<3333


	9. For love (For love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new lead. Awkward encounters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from Goodbye Eddie, Goodbye by The Juicy Fruits!
> 
> CW this chapter gets erm. really nsfw so if you're not into that feel free to stop after the timeskip :]

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim takes a forkful of salad into his mouth and chews thoughtfully, mulling over your question.

“I don’t think I can say for sure if the mud we found was evidence or not. We’ll just have to wait and see.” 

YOU - You sigh and tap your fingers against the table impatiently. “Well, that sucks. I don’t like it.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He shrugs. “Too bad, then. It’ll take another week or two for the results to come back.”

YOU - You groan and take a bite of your own food--an overcooked plate of pierogi-- and lean back in your seat, looking out the window.

SHIVERS - It’s just another day for Revachol. The usual melancholy tinges the edges of this fleeting feeling. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Kim isn’t exactly happy that it’ll take that long for the two of you to find out if it’s a match, either. He’s just as peeved as you are.

KIM KITSURAGI - “In the meantime, we can search around the Eminent Domain area for them. It’ll be easier than searching all of Revachol West.”

YOU - You nod. 

LOGIC - Yvonne and Yennifer ran from Grand Couron, to Central Jamrock, to (possibly) the Eminent Domain. Why? Why go near the precinct and risk being caught?

HALF-LIGHT - Why  _ hunt you? _

YOU - “Kim, why do you think they were stalking me?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “I think.. Well, I don’t know,” he pauses, frowning, “Maybe they were trying to find where you live.”

HALF-LIGHT - But why would they.. Unless..?

LOGIC - These  _ are _ alleged murderers you’re dealing with here.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You could take them. You’re stronger than them, anyways.

INTERFACING - It’s been a while since you’ve actually used a gun.

HAND-EYE COORDINATION - You’re not even sure if you  _ want to. _

YOU - “Do you think they were going to try to kill me?” you ask, looking at Kim.

KIM KITSURAGI - His expression is unreadable. 

EMPATHY - But a pang of fear settles into his stomach.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..Maybe. They didn’t see what apartment you went into, right?”

YOU - “I don’t think so. I was a few blocks away, but they  _ might’ve _ gotten to the rooftops and..”

KIM KITSURAGI - “We can’t tell for sure until we get those results back. Either way, I don’t think it’d be safe for you to stay there until we find them.”

YOU - You think about all the places you could possibly stay at. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA - There’s the precinct couch, a cheap hotel room, and--

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Oh my god please ask Kim if you can stay with him for an indeterminate amount of time.

LOGIC - That’s the key word-- _ indeterminate. _ How long would you have to sleep on that couch? How much reàl would you be willing to sink into a hotel room?

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant must see your worried expression because next he says, “You can stay with me for the time being, if you’d like.”

YOU - “I’ve been staying at yours a lot recently,” you remark, “Are you sure it’s okay?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “You’re a good houseguest.”

SUGGESTION - And a better lover.

VOLITION - He didn’t say that. Calm down. This is an act of generosity--don’t take it for granted.

YOU - “Th-thanks,” you choke out, feeling your cheeks blush, “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Kim.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He gives you a look. It’s a mixture of amusement, affection, and sternness, but it suits him perfectly. 

YOU - Your gaze drifts back to the outside world as the two of you eat. 

SUGGESTION - You start to wonder what life will be like for the next few days or so.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Steamy showers, romantic dinners…

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT (Failure) - How is he gonna be able to put up with, I don’t know,  _ everything about you _ though??

COMPOSURE - You sweat a  _ lot _ if you haven’t noticed.

PAIN THRESHOLD - You also eat a lot of weird shit when you’re left to your own devices. Are you sure Kim would be able to stand seeing that?

VOLITION - You can and  _ will _ hold off on eating god-awful combinations of things while you’re staying with him.

LOGIC - His fridge is undoubtedly better-stocked than yours, anyways. 

INTERFACING - You could do some real cooking for once! Imagine it-- using the stove, putting things in the oven, boiling water… 

SUGGESTION - A home-cooked meal. Kim eating food made by you,  _ real _ food made by you, and  _ enjoying it. _

INLAND EMPIRE - Domesticity. 

EMPATHY - Something neither of you have had in a while. 

DRAMA - Like one of those romcom radio shows. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA - In the past you’ve read about homo-sexual couples who, in the face of marriage discrimination, simply moved in together to avoid persecution and be considered ‘married’ by Common Law. 

PERCEPTION - Someone plays a song on the cafeteria’s jukebox. A lofty tune fills the air..

ASCENDED JUKEBOX OF LOVE -  _ I know you want me _

_ Like a can of baked beans _

_ Gotta open me up and tell me _

_ Just what to masticate means _

_ ‘Cause I know you want me on toast _

_ I know you want me the most, yeah… _

KIM KITSURAGI - You steal another glance at your partner as you listen along. He’s nearly finished with his food, and is about to take one last bite when he catches you staring. 

“Something wrong, detective?”

SUGGESTION - You should ask him to dance.

VOLITION - Not right now, of course. But sometime soon.

INLAND EMPIRE - That’s not a good idea.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Oh, shut up! You never let us have any fun.

COMPOSURE - It might be a little awkward to ask someone on a date right after they say you can stay at their house, though..

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You’re also on the job.

AUTHORITY - You’re his superior! Of course he’d let you stay over. Ask him out!

INLAND EMPIRE - If you ask him to dance you will die.

SHIVERS - Revachol freezes for what feels like minutes as you stare into the lieutenant’s eyes. 

SUGGESTION - ASK. HIM. OUT.

VOLITION - It’s best to file this away for later. Preferably at night. When you can die in private and not in a public establishment.

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s looking at you expectantly.

YOU - Your eyes refocus and you shake your head. “Sorry. Got a little lost.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Hm. Just make sure to stay focused for the rest of today, alright? We’re going to be doing a lot of work between turning in those soil samples and searching for our suspects.” 

YOU - You nod and bite your lip. “Right, right.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You wish that there wasn’t so much work to be done all the time.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Murders aren’t gonna solve themselves!

YOU - You feel something poke your ankle under the table.

KIM KITSURAGI - “We’ll relax later, alright?” he smirks at you, now nudging your calf with his boot, “Just hold on a little longer.”

SUGGESTION - Oh  _ god _ , he knows how to get us.

YOU - You nod and suppress a boner by focusing on finishing your meal and flagging down a waiter to pay for your meal.

SHIVERS - The air outside of the cafeteria is significantly cooler.

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim takes the lead once more and you are left to follow him like some sort of lost puppy. The way he confidently navigates his way back to Central Jamrock leaves you in awe. 

PERCEPTION - There’s a slight limp to his gait-- the painkillers he’s been taking must be wearing off.

SHIVERS - Revachol does not speak to him. He takes it into his calloused hands and observes every inch, yielding the information from it and then letting it loose like a snake into the underbrush.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s been on the beat for 20 years and has lived here for his entire life. He doesn’t  _ need _ to have  _ her _ sweet voice croon into his ears and warn him of his impending doom. 

SAVOIR FAIRE - You’ve seen him take shortcuts and track people down in ways you would’ve never thought of. At times he moves like the shadows themselves, at others like a pillar of light; in other words, he’s cool.

SUGGESTION - You feel like you should fill the quiet air between you.

AUTHORITY - Stay professional. Ask about the case.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Why not ask what ‘later’ means?

YOU - “How does soil testing work?” you ask, quickening your pace to match Kim’s.

KIM KITSURAGI - He glances over at you as you break the silence before answering, “Well, they take the samples to a laboratory and have two forensics experts look over each sample separately. Then they compare their findings to see if they’re a match.”

YOU - “Why separately?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “To avoid contamination. I never took you for one interested in the forensic process, detective,” he notes. “New hobby?”

EMPATHY - He’s wondering if this is another one of your erratic ventures.

YOU - “No,” you shake your head, “Just wondering.”

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant nods and continues on. The atmosphere grows quiet once more. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Only one more option now…

LOGIC - Not every moment has to be full with conversation, y’know? 

YOU - But I  _ want _ to talk to him. 

INLAND EMPIRE - This feeling-- butterflies in your stomach, the longing, the excitement..

SUGGESTION - You know this. You’ve been through it before. 

PAIN THRESHOLD (Failure) - A dull, sinking pain blossoms in your chest.

YOU - No way. We’ve only…

RHETORIC - ...Known each other for a year, across which you’ve said  _ god _ knows what to him…

YOU - Okay. So I love him. 

..

I love him. Um. What now?

COMPOSURE (Failure) - Your hands start shaking a little as you look at Kim.

SUGGESTION - Show it to him. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Once you get back to the Kineema, and you have a little privacy, just reach over and--

VOLITION - As hot as that would be,  _ no. _

ENCYCLOPEDIA - As far as you know, open displays of affection aren’t particularly looked down upon in this part of Jamrock. The richer, more ‘professional’ and snobby sectors, on the other hand…

REACTION SPEED - He’s checking his watch right now. 

YOU - As your partner’s arms relax and they settle by his sides, you grab the hand closest to yours. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He raises his eyebrows. “Detective? What are you..?”

YOU - You continue walking, lacing your fingers through his. 

PERCEPTION - Even through the leather of his gloves, you can feel warmth emanating from him.

ESPRIT DE CORPS -  _ Here? Right now? What are you thinking?  _ he asks mentally.

EMPATHY - This is a little embarrassing, and a little surprising, and worst of all  _ scary, _ but he’s not letting go.

COMPOSURE - He walks a little closer to you to try to at least somewhat hide your clasped hands.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Well, this isn’t exactly what I was thinking of, but it’s.. Nice.

SUGGESTION - Very nice. Better than nice. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Your mind harkens back to the song playing in the cafeteria. 

‘ _ I don’t understand _

_ Why you looked at me _

_ I know when the wind blows _

_ Out at sea _

_ I also know _

_ You want to sail with me..’ _

It was a good song. A really good song. A song that makes you want to get up and proclaim that Disco is still alive and  _ you’re _ still alive and you want to sail with Kim all over Elysium. 

YOU - You squeeze his hand once, as if you’re reassuring yourself that he’s still there and not a cruel figment of your imagination.

KIM KITSURAGI - You see him smile a little bit as he relaxes, becoming less tense over time as you continue to hold his hand. 

“I, ah, have to admit that I’m not sure what you’re doing right now.”

YOU - “I’m.. holding your hand?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “R-right. But..”

EMPATHY - He’s used to saving affection for later, when people weren’t around to see.  _ You _ aren’t, and he’s worried about what could happen should someone spot you two.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - Not to mention the professional implications.

AUTHORITY - What was it that we said? ‘Nobody fucks with Kim Kitsuragi’, and nobody fucks with  _ you _ , either.

HALF-LIGHT - As we said previously; you could take them. You could take anyone.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You could take Kim, too.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Are you sure this is fine?”

YOU - “Hell yeah, it is. Fuck anyone who tries calling us out for it.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He smiles bittersweetly. He appreciates your positive sentiment. And yet..

EMPATHY - ..He knows what happens to people like you who show their love publicly. 

HALF-LIGHT - No one says anything to you, though. The entirety of your walk back to the yard with the yellow fence is relatively quiet, save for your occasional comment on something that caught your eye. 

SUGGESTION - And when you finally return, Kim’s hand lets go of yours so he can collect mud. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - But when he finishes, and gets back into the Kineema with you, his eyes pass over you and you feel like you just got shot.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He frowns for the shortest second as he thinks,  _ Work comes first. _

He’s been reminding himself of this fact much more than he’d like to lately.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You’re the KING of sex. That’s why. Kim just can’t resist you.

LOGIC - You are  _ far _ from being the ‘King of Sex’, much less a king of any kind. 

VOLITION - Calm down. It’s only 12:30. You’ve got way more time to go until you can slack off for a few days.

ENCYCLOPEDIA (Failure) - The weekend’s here already..?

ESPRIT DE CORPS - It’s been 5 days of non-stop work, so.. Yes.

-

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - 5 days of non-stop work, now to be rewarded with 2 days of non-stop  _ play. _

SUGGESTION - After work, you headed to your apartment together to collect some spare clothes for the days ahead of you, and then went back to your partner’s home. You just finished eating dinner with Kim, and you’re now sitting on his sofa, half-listening to a radio broadcast on whatever the  _ fuck _ a Chess Tournament is, and Kim is sat against you, reading a book he borrowed from the library on classical Mundian art. 

COMPOSURE - You’re freaking out a little on the inside. You’ve never been this relaxed around him. Thankfully, you have it under control on the  _ outside _ .

EMPATHY - The lieutenant is just as disconcerted. It’s been a very long time since he’s been this… open.

KIM KITSURAGI - He sighs suddenly and closes his book, putting it on the table before telling you, “I’m going to go shower. It’s 20:00 already. Do you want to go after I finish, or..?”

LOGIC - You haven’t showered in a day or two. It’s for the best.

YOU - You nod. “That’d be great.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He gets up to go to the bathroom, but twinges for a second and loses his balance. 

REACTION SPEED (Failure) - He’s already falling. That damned leg.. 

YOU - At the last second you reach over and catch him by the small of his back, but he has to brace himself against the back of the couch anyways. 

You get up and help Kim stand, keeping your hands near his waist. “Are you alright? Do you need any help?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Khm. I’m fine, thank you,” he mutters, ears reddening, “If you could let go of me now..?”

YOU - “Oh. Right. ‘Course, sorry,” you apologize, arms dropping to your side. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You miss the warmth already. 

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim walks to the bathroom and shuts the door, leaving you alone in the small living room.

VOLITION - What are we supposed to do while we wait..?

INLAND EMPIRE - Don’t look at his reading material again. 

YOU - You sit back down on the couch and look around.

VISUAL CALCULUS - You see your bag of clothes and some of Kim’s belongings scattered about the apartment.

INTERFACING (Failure) - Not a lot to entertain yourself with.

INLAND EMPIRE - You’re alone with your thoughts now.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Exactly. So let’s talk!

YOU - ...About what?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Kim is showering, right?

YOU - Okay. And?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - When he gets out of the shower, he’s gonna be practically naked.

YOU - ...Okay…

VOLITION - Please don’t get horny right now.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - No,  _ listen.  _ He’s gonna be half-dry, his hair is gonna be messed up, you’re gonna see his absolutely  _ fucking gorgeous _ body--

VOLITION (Failure) - You’re hard. Not enough to be  _ super _ noticeable, but hard nonetheless. 

LOGIC - Oh god. Better hide it from Kim.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Why? This is your chance!!

SUGGESTION - If you’re gonna try  _ seducing  _ him again, it’d be better to wait until after you shower. 

HALF-LIGHT - So you don’t overpower him with whatever the hell you’ve got going on right now.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry? It’s your turn,” you hear the lieutenant call out, “I left a towel in there for you. Get in before it goes cold.”

YOU - You’re snapped back to reality as he retreats to his bedroom.

VOLITION - Maybe a cold shower would be  _ good _ in this situation.

ENDURANCE (Failure) - No thanks. Warm, cozy showers only. Your bones need it.

YOU - You make your way to Kim’s small bathroom and undress, leaving your clothes on the toilet seat and stepping into the shower.

PERCEPTION - The water is hot on your skin. It’s comforting to your aching body.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Slowly but surely, the blood rushing to your cock redistributes itself. 

VOLITION - Focus on cleaning yourself instead of looking at your dick, weirdo. 

YOU - And so you do. You make sure to scrub away all the grime you accumulated over the course of the past few days, and you wash the grease out of your hair.

LOGIC (Failure) - And when you step out and turn the water off, and wrap the towel Kim graciously left for you around your waist, you realize that you have  _ no _ idea where you’re supposed to change.

YOU - You wander back out into the living room. Kim is on the couch again, this time in leisurewear as he is seemingly waiting for you. He looks at your exposed torso with an unreadable expression.

KIM KITSURAGI - “That didn’t take long.”

YOU - “Were you expecting me to take a while?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “No,” he shakes his head, “My apologies. I just, ah..”

COMPOSURE - He’s staring again.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT (Failure) - Cup your breasts and show them off for him. C’mon! It’ll be funny!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Great idea, but how about we just get closer and give him a better look? Wink wink.

VOLITION - You are both insufferable. Just flirt like a normal person for the love of all that is holy.

YOU - “Like what you see, huh?” you smile, gesturing to yourself. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He gives you a dry smile and stands up--successfully, this time--and walks over to you. “Perhaps. I’m not quite sure yet.”

YOU - Your hands gravitate to his hips. “W-What’s that supposed to mean?” you ask nervously, leaning ever-so-closer to him.

KIM KITSURAGI - “You’re just going to have to find out, detective,” he says, brushing his lips against yours.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Oh yeah baby. Now  _ this _ is what I’m talking about. Romance!

YOU - You pull him closer to you and kiss him, letting your fingertips travel down his backside as he leans into you.

KIM KITSURAGI - He separates for a second, saying, “You’re still wet, Harry.”

YOU - “Well, I  _ was  _ expecting to get redressed when I got out,” you confess, giving his ass a hesitant squeeze. “I didn’t think you’d be in the mood tonight.” 

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim grips your wrist tightly and mutters, “I wouldn’t say  _ that.” _

YOU - “Then what  _ would  _ you say?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He shrugs and smirks at you. “It’s subject to change.”

He moves his hand up your arm and to your chest, gently pushing you backwards. 

YOU - You let yourself be guided by him while pushing in and kissing him all over until the back of your knees are touching the edge of Kim’s bed.

KIM KITSURAGI - He climbs on top of you as you lower yourself to the bed. His hands reach for your pectorals, and quickly his deft fingers are pleasing you in all the right ways.

YOU - “Please,” you whimper between kisses as he rolls one nipple between his fingertips, “Oh god, you’re so..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He silences you with another more forceful kiss and plays with the edge of your towel with his free hand.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Is he..?

YOU - “Wait-- wait,” you pause.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Is this too much?” he asks, concern written all over him as he retracts.

YOU - “No, no--just.. Do you feel ready? To, you know, uh..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He nods. “I am if you are. Just let me know if you get uncomfortable.”

YOU - “Will do, Lieutenant,” you wink.

KIM KITSURAGI - You see the telltale blush of his ears as you say this. “You.. god, Harrier,” he growls, diving back in.

YOU - You’re a bit taken aback by this sudden rush, but when his tongue slides into your mouth you definitely don’t complain.

You glide your own tongue over his teeth and slip a hand under his t-shirt, feeling up his back and into the hem of his sweatpants. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You’re finally getting everything you fucking wanted. 

AUTHORITY (Failure) - You don’t even mind that  _ he’s _ on top of  _ you. _

KIM KITSURAGI - He grunts as he shifts his position to give himself better ease of access to your body. 

SUGGESTION - He can’t do all the work here-- help him out!

YOU - You move your mouth from Kim’s own to his neck and gently nip at it.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry--Ah!” he gasps as you bite down once more, soothing the bruise with the tip of your tongue. 

YOU - You continue this crusade of leaving marks all over every inch of his neck, making sure to be gentle enough that it wouldn’t hurt too much, yet firm as to leave lavender-colored spots wherever you choose. You grip at his shirt, tugging at it in an attempt to signal that you want it  _ off, you want to see his body, you want him all over you-- _

KIM KITSURAGI - --And he listens. He pulls away to take off his t-shirt and throws it further up the bed, and then finally he pulls down your towel and reveals your cock.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You feel like you’re harder than you’ve ever been in your life. 

YOU - “Is it, um, alright?” You ask timidly.

KIM KITSURAGI - He gives you an incredulous look. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

YOU - “S-sorry. I’ve never done this before, and I just, um..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He leans over you and places a hand on your still-drying cheek. “It’s okay, Harry. I haven’t done this in years, either,” he reassures. 

EMPATHY - There’s an awkward edge to his voice as he says this. This is not only him baring his body to you. This is him baring a side that he wouldn’t let anyone else in all of Revachol see. 

YOU - You pull him down and press your lips against his, practically begging for more before he stops you and pulls away. 

KIM KITSURAGI - “Patience,” he murmurs, “You.. know what’s going to happen, yes?”

ENCYCLOPEDIA - Judging off of the literature you’ve read, you can deduce that--

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - His dick is going up your ass!!!!!

YOU - “You’re gonna fuck me, right?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “That’s a crass way of putting it, but yes. I’m going to need to prepare you first, though.”

YOU - You watch as he moves past you and to his bedside table, pulling out condoms and what you can only assume is lube.

“Should I, uh..” you begin, not really knowing what to say or do.

KIM KITSURAGI - He returns and gently coaxes your legs apart before applying lotion to his dominant hand. He starts by pressing on the area around your asshole, rubbing inwards and teasing the area around it. 

INTERFACING - Despite his earlier statement, he clearly knows what he’s doing. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s since placed his career as his top priority, but he’s had partners in the past. People he connected with. Men who he eventually let go. 

EMPATHY - Not maliciously, of course. It was out of necessity.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Um. Hey, can we  _ not _ talk about Kim’s depressing love life? Let’s focus on, y’know, the fact that we’re literally having sex right now.

COMPOSURE - Speaking of, it feels good. He hasn’t even entered you yet but you find yourself unable to stop biting your lip in discomposure. 

KIM KITSURAGI - While he works on loosening you, his other hand rests on your inner thigh, inching towards your balls and rubbing circles into your skin along the way. 

SUGGESTION - He’s doing his best to make this as comfortable as possible for you. He cares. He’s beautiful. He’s your partner.

YOU - “You’re so handsome, Kim,” you say as you look down at him, “God, you’re so good.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks up in surprise, pausing before stammering out, “Y-you’re vocal, aren’t you?”

YOU - You reach for your dick, wanting so badly to jack off and spill your load all over Kim’s face but not wanting to cum before he actually enters you. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He seems to pick up on this though, because his free hand is now at the base and squeezing slightly, slowly moving up and down in a way that's leaving your body absolutely screaming for more. 

VOLITION - You haven’t been touched like this in.. well, you don’t know when the last time you had sex was, but it’s been a while. Either way, try not to bust before getting to the good part.

KIM KITSURAGI - To your dismay, he takes his hand off your cock and stops massaging your anus. You hear him squirt more lube onto his hand.

“Harry, I’m going to need you to take a deep breath for me, alright?”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Okay. Brace yourself for this.

ENDURANCE (Failure) - A finger slides in and  _ good god.  _

YOU - “Shit!”

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim immediately stops. “Are you okay?”

YOU - It takes a moment for you to adjust to this new sensation, but a few seconds pass and your breathing returns to normal. “I’m fine, just--it’s cold.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He smiles. “Ah. You’ll get used to it, I promise. I’ll go slow.”

PAIN THRESHOLD - He begins to stretch you, lightly pulling at the edges and pressing on the muscles in your sphincter. The cold and the stretching combined are difficult to handle at first, but as he continues working on you the feeling subsides.

KIM KITSURAGI - It takes time--and it takes lots of self-restraint on your end, but eventually he seems satisfied with the state of you. He stands and pulls down his underwear, and--

VOLITION (Failure) - Holy fuck. You’re looking at his dick for the first time ever. Oh my god. 

PERCEPTION - There’s a large scar peeking out from one of his thighs. How come you never noticed it before?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Ask about it later. Focus on the now.

KIM KITSURAGI - He first puts on a condom, and then wipes the excess lube on his fingers onto his cock before lining himself up with you and putting his hands on your sides.”Are you, ah, ready for this?”

YOU - “Abso-fucking-lutely.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - The feeling of him entering you is probably the best feeling you’ve ever had.

LOGIC - You’re having a lot of firsts tonight.

KIM KITSURAGI - He moves in and then out, testing the waters and making sure you’re not experiencing any discomfort before speeding up.

“You’re so tight,” he mumbles, “Oh dolores..”

YOU - You grab his hands and pull him down close to you, nuzzling your face in his neck and he gets deeper and deeper into your ass, and whisper, “Kim, Kim..”

KIM KITSURAGI - He gasps at this sudden change in position, but doesn’t seem to mind. He buries a hand in your hair and uses the other to steady himself as he pushes and stretches..

ENCYCLOPEDIA - The prostate is a gland located between the rectal wall and the penis that produces fluids that, when combined with other bodily fluids, creates semen. It is also known for being a very sensitive and pleasure-inducing spot in a man’s rectum. It is about four inches deep in your ass, and--

YOU - You groan maybe a little too loud when he thrusts into you at just the right angle. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - He's not even balls deep yet.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - There’s something melodic about the sounds the two of you are making right now, from the rhythmic wet slaps of his hips against your butt, to his hitched breath in your ear, to the obscene moans and muffled sounds the two of you are making as you go on. It’s a song of love. It’s a poem unraveling from your lips as you kiss Kim. It’s a painting of sweat and cum and saliva, a tapestry being woven with strings of spit as you gulp air into your lungs..

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - It’s your precum smearing against his stomach and yours. It’s Kim’s glasses sliding down his nose as he fucks you. It’s you saying his name like a prayer, begging every deity above that this euphoria lasts forever.

PERCEPTION - It’s every one of your senses being heightened at the same time. It’s smelling the soap he uses, having your eyes roll back into your head, holding on to his back for dear life, tasting every gorgeous inch of  _ him _ , and hearing him whisper your name.

INLAND EMPIRE - It’s the connection, the union of souls happening right now--

SHIVERS - --The bedroom is the only thing in the universe that exists--

HALF-LIGHT - --You’re tearing each other apart, ripping into his flesh--

LOGIC (Failure) - --You have no idea how much time has passed, it’s impossible to tell--

RHETORIC - --He’s cracking your mind open, looking at what makes you fucking tick--

EMPATHY - --He’s close, so close--

ESPRIT DE CORPS - -- _ Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,  _ he thinks--

SAVOIR FAIRE - --He’s stroking your dick now, how did he manage to--?

REACTION SPEED (Failure) - --You can’t focus on that now, every neuron in your brain is  _ exploding _ \--

YOU - You arch your back as you release, and soon after Kim’s hips buck and he shudders. 

KIM KITSURAGI - He catches his breath for a second, panting and relaxing his body as he basks in the afterglow before peeling himself off of you and pulling out. 

LOGIC - And then he leaves, most likely to get something to clean the two of you with.

HALF-LIGHT - But now you’re alone. His warmth is gone, and you’d be in a panic if you weren’t in the middle of an aftershock of that amazing orgasm.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You feel something on your stomach; a hand towel, wiping up your seed.

YOU - And now you’re being helped up by Kim. You have to lean on him for the first few moments of being upright as your knees buckle. Soon enough, however, you’re putting on a fresh pair of underwear and trudging back to the bed to collapse next to the lieutenant.

PAIN THRESHOLD (Failure) - Pain shoots up through you when you sit down.

KIM KITSURAGI - He notices you wince. “It’s normal to feel pain when sitting. You just have to be gentle,” he murmurs sleepily.

YOU - You lay on your side, facing him. “That’s dumb. That’s-- eugh..” you groan.

KIM KITSURAGI - He smiles and scoots over to be closer to you. 

INLAND EMPIRE - This feeling is like having a sunset run through your veins.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Pillow talk time. Remember all those questions you filed for later?

SUGGESTION - Now’s a better time than ever, I guess.

YOU - “Kim?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Hmm?”

YOU - “What’s the story about your thigh scar?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He’s silent, figuring out which thigh scar you’re talking about. 

VOLITION - His brain is still addled. Be patient.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Mm. That one. It’s from my phalloplasty.”

ENCYCLOPEDIA (Failure) - Phallo. Like penis. Laugh.

YOU - You don’t laugh, even though you really want to. “What’s that?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “A surgeon gave me a dick. That’s all there is to say.”

EMPATHY - He doesn’t want to go into it right now.

YOU - You let the room grow quiet, listening to your combined breaths and half-hugging him close to you.

“What are we?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He props himself up on his elbows to look at you, narrowing his eyes as he asks, “What do you mean?”

YOU - “I-I mean, like, is this just a friends-with-benefits thing? Or are we..?” you trail off, nervously placing one of your hands on top of his.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry..”

HALF-LIGHT (Failure) - Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no

KIM KITSURAGI - “..We’ve been dating for a week or so now, haven’t we?”

COMPOSURE - You let out a sigh of relief you didn’t know you were holding in. 

YOU - “Oh, god. You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He gives you a small smile and settles back down. 

SUGGESTION - Add another first to the list, because this? Laying in bed with Kim after having what must’ve been the best fuck of your  _ life? _ Best you’ve ever felt emotionally. 

ENDURANCE (Failure) - You feel like you’re about to pass out at any second.

RHETORIC - One more question. One more question until you can sleep and wake up in his arms.

INLAND EMPIRE - I’m telling you again.  _ Don’t fucking do this. _

SUGGESTION - What’s the harm in eight little words, huh?

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Seeing him in action again, under all those gorgeous lights..

LOGIC - There’s realistically nothing wrong with asking him this. Just say it.

YOU - “What do you say we go dancing sometime?”

SHIVERS - Freezing temperatures go to unbearable heat to crushing pressure to feeling like you’re floating in a never-ending void.

INLAND EMPIRE - You said these words to her, once. Long, long ago, in an April not unlike this one.

KIM KITSURAGI - He grimaces. “I’m afraid that I’ve danced enough for a lifetime already at the church in Martinaise. Surely you haven’t forgotten?”

COMPOSURE - You’re too busy keeping the bile from rising any further up your throat to reply. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA (Failure) - Has it been that long already?

LOGIC (Failure) - Time has no meaning right now. Martinaise could’ve been yesterday, just as easily as how the April of ‘32 is happening right now.

VOLITION - Nope. Nope. We are NOT having another panic attack here. Not now. Not in front of Kim.

INLAND EMPIRE - That’s what she meant last night, you know. This. The near-anniversary.

PAIN THRESHOLD - We’re definitely going to start crying soon, but we can hold off the brunt of the colossal emotional pain for now.

KIM KITSURAGI - “..Harry..?”

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You can’t see him through the fog of your tear-filled eyes, but he’s getting worried. 

YOU - “Y-yeah. I think--I think you’re right.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He doesn’t feel like he’s there anymore. In fact,  _ nothing _ is there anymore.

INLAND EMPIRE - You’re falling once more. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION - The geometry of your mind greets you coldly as you close your eyes and everything falls apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song played by the jukebox is Bean Voyage! by Costco Boyfriend. check out their entire album!! its very good.
> 
> uh anyways sorry this took WAY too long to get out. ive been dealing with a lot of personal family stuff, so i offer my sincerest apologies for being waaaaay late with the update.
> 
> otherwise i hope you guys liked this chapter! this is my first time ever writing nsfw as.. detailed.. as this was so. enjoy?
> 
> kudos/comments appreciated as always. hope you guys are doing better than i am. stay safe!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I wrote it! I wrote the first chapter of this huge thing I'm gonna write!
> 
> ahaha but seriously im very proud of this. I know the first chapter is a little slow but I still hope you guys enjoy it! thanks to my friend pluto for peer reviewing this :) 
> 
> once again I hope you all enjoy and stay for the ride! also i hope you dont mind that i slipped in some poetry at the end lol. kudos/comments appreciated!  
> (and if you want, check out my twitter @horsetailthread!)


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